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How do I talk to my wife about my sex fetish?

You can talk to the Experienced Mistress about anything.  One topic that many of you talk about is the issue of your real life partner and the fetish fantasies that you explore via phone sex.  We had a lively discussion about this on the earlier two blog post about sex secrets.  The first post started the conversation, asking how you handle your sex secrets and the second post gave the results of the sex secrets poll on our adult networking site Enchantrix Empire.

The “how do I get my wife to participate” question is something I hear all the time.  So, once again, I’m going to address it here and would love to find out what you think.  I did a full IM session with a long time phone sex caller who has that question AND a foot fetish.  You can read the whole conversation when you eavesdrop on Olivia’s IM conversations. (Note:  He knows I’m going to post the text session and I’ve taken out his name and identifiers.)

Excerpt of IM conversation with long time caller

man: she’s been my little honey for over 30 yrs, we dated a couple before we got married

empress.olivia: I understand.
empress.olivia: This will be very NEW territory for you both.

man: yes it is

empress.olivia: *nods*

man: a total role reversal

empress.olivia: I’m helping you to negotiate the terrain…….
empress.olivia: YOU want to change the rules, so to speak, in THIS aspect of your relationship in the bedroom.  So you FIRST need to have the conversation about whether she is even willing to investigate it and consider the role reversal.

What comes next?

What comes next?  Ideally, HE will cum next !  LOL … aren’t you cheering him on?  I sure am!  Tell Me about you.  Is it helpful to see the full IM conversation?  What have you learned?  What are you feeling or thinking?

Looking forward to all your comments.

Ms Olivia

 


 

42 comments to How do I talk to my wife about my sex fetish?

  • magnus

    Hi MsOlivia! Broaching the subject with a partner for the first time has to be the hardest part. She might feel all the things we’ve talked about before or the relationship itself might suffer. She might totally be into too.

    I’ve heard advice before from a good friend of mine and I think it’s the best. Just sit down with her and a bottle of wine (or drink of your choice) and talk but in a back and forth way. (Granted, ALL communication should be back and forth.) Get a little tipsy and make a list of things that you *both* might be interested in. Break the ice first and the rest would go easier. Encourage her to tell what she would like too and maybe you can come up with things that you hadn’t thought of before too.

    • olivia

      @ magnus …. good advice about how to have *the* conversation. One caution though, not too much wine because you do want it to be a *real* conversation and not one that can be written off to the ‘hey I was drunk” sentiment! LOL

      I talked about this post with My real life boyfriend and he said, “One of the many things I love about you is your ability to separate the “real life me” from the fetish me.”

      THAT is part of the new territory for someone who is either new to fetish or kink sexuality and/or someone who doesn’t have a lot of experience making that distinction. Since I’ve been a professional phone sex Mistress for three years, I’ve talked with a lot of men about a lot of things. I am the Experienced Mistress in the phone fantasy world and real life fetish sex play. Chances are, your partner doesn’t have that wealth of knowledge!

      I’d love to hear from y’all, do you worry that if you disclose your kinky sex needs that your partner will see you differently in the totality of your real life together? How do you think and feel about that issue?

  • Nicholas

    I have been thinking a LOT about this very topic over the past week or so due to the thought provoking discussion of the past few blog entries, and I’ve been inspired to take a similar plunge and will let you know how it goes.

    • olivia

      WOAH N ….. ! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that! I sometimes wonder if this blog gets too serious or is too willing to discuss really difficult topics. It’s not like the normal phone sex blog!
      I sometimes worry that I should leave a disclaimer saying…..I really CAN be hot and flirty, sensual and nasty! LOL

      But, then I see a comment like yours and I realize that these tough topics are just as important as the fun, flirty, fantasy sex topics. One of the things I want to provide in this blog is the acknowledgment that we are whole human beings. I don’t think the erotic fantasy or fetish sex (or whatever you want to call it) is separate from the person. I think that’s unrealistic.
      Question…..was it helpful to read the IM session where I *coach* My caller about how to talk with his wife?
      Will you please share with us YOUR journey. I’d really like to know. Every time I talk with a *civilian* woman about My career as a phone sex artist one of the first questions she asks is, “how can I do that with my man?” I know there are a lot of women who WANT to connect more fully with their partners just like the men who call me often want to connect ….. but someone that connection got shorted out. I’m curious about that. And, I’m VERY curious why something as important a sexuality in a relationship gets (often) less time and realistic attention than say, the discussion of which new car to buy!

  • Cassie

    I think thats a great start and it depends on the woman how its going to go next. If the man brings up his fetish in the right way and allows time for her to digest the fact her man likes (insert fetish here) then the man did everything he possibly could to bring it up to her in an agreeable way.

    • olivia

      YES cassie !! My experience is that a (real life) woman has many sides to her. When you’re in a relationship with any other person you are in a relationship with all those aspects.

      That’s one reason why phone fantasy is so appealing. You get the best of Me, totally focused on you in a controlled environment. It’s safe, exciting and wonderful. AND, it’s not real life …. just like when you go see a movie and love it on the screen but the ‘movie fantasy’ begins to break down when you see (learn) how the movie is made. It’s the same with a phone sex Mistress — we are your fantasy and that’s exactly what is wanted and needed at that moment. Real women in real life circumstances don’t have the luxury we have of being ABLE to be exactly what you want.

      In My experience, when you approach a partner — like you’ve said cassie — and talk WITH her, giving her time to digest the information then she will often SHOCK you with how open she will be. But, cassie you say it best…..it depends on the woman how it’s going to go next. Human beings do tend to resist when pushed or manipulated so that’s generally not such an effective approach. LOL

      THANK YOU cassie for posting a comment!

  • I had a discussion and some luck with getting my wife to try some of my kinks. It never got as deep as I would have liked and playing those games didn’t happen as often as I would have hoped for but the recognition of those desires and a willingness to at least try was great. I wish things had not changed.

    • olivia

      b4 ….. that’s FANTASTIC that you were able to have the conversation with her and that she was willing to explore with you. You bring up a couple things that I want to highlight.

      The initial hurdle is the conversation about the sexual kink or fetish. Once you bring that up and find out (in a direct way) whether she is willing to explore that with you then the next phase comes in.

      You mentioned that your wife is not as “into” your kinks as you would like. *nods* Yes, most women are not natural born Femdoms! That’s one reason why the phone sex Mistress is popular! I love what I do but I do things a little (or a lot) differently than most vanilla women! ~~ laughs ~~

      Another thing that you allude to are changing life circumstances. That’s also something that is the reality of real life. There are things that get in the way of real life fetish play. I know certain things about you and send you a cyber hug …. oh, wait…..a cyber WHIPPING ! LOL

  • magnus

    MsOlivia, oh absolutely, on the amount of wine. I was thinking of having some inhibitions broken down a bit, not getting blitzed and losing control. The communication should be a fun sexy time, a time for sharing something that can be difficult to share at first.

    • olivia

      LOL magnus……and, if not the wine, some non-sex cuddling is a great time to also have the conversation. Best NOT to do it when y’all are, for example, driving in the car – on the cell phone – doing something other than being totally focused on one another!
      ~~giggles~~ Altho, some of those visual images might be funny on a youtube video.

  • Nicholas

    @Olivia — Well, I broached the subject, opened up a brief line of dialogue on the subject. Since I tend to be a tad wordy, and I am certain that it is poor blog etiquette to post replies that are longer that the original post, I will put the details and particulars in another blog post later and then link it here.

    However, in answering your followup questions… How did it go? Well, I’ll say… unsuccessfully. On the bright side, it didn’t have any negative consequences.

    As to the question of the IM log being helpful… I am going to say sort of. Perhaps the unabridged log might have additional insights but I think that this log/post/idea offers two potential items that can help someone in this kind of situation.

    First, the trite yet true idea that hey, you are not the only person with this problem, and that others have overcome it before.

    Second, I do not think you can totally discount the value in your encouragement to proceed. Without intending to be silly, I think it is fair to say that the audience of a blog like this one has been somewhat conditioned to want to follow your instructions, and may have even been further conditioned to associate pleasure with following your instructions :-p

    So, hey… if that helps get someone off the fence and overcome fear in opening such communication, all the better! :-)

    • olivia

      @ N ….. quick answer about the unabridged version of the IM chat log.
      I’ve created a page that says…..Eavesdrop on Olivia’s IM …. click on that and you’ll see the WHOLE IM conversation.
      More after this phone call :)

    • olivia

      Dear N … THANK YOU for your post and NEVER EVER be concerned about being wordy here…….write ALL you want! I look back at some of My comment replies and realize My reply is longer than the original post! LOL

      My intentions with the posts are to begin the conversation about whatever topic is on your minds (and yes I will soon post some blatantly erotic topics from current phone sex calls and hot stroking audios).

      My particular joy is in this blog is the community conversation that we’ve created. Some people choose to post ….. others call or IM … but our comments (and replies) are what are furthering the conversation. I’m so grateful when people leave more than the ‘hey, great post’ comment because there’s no place to go with that kind of post except to say thank you and move on.

      I (and we) would LOVE to hear more about broaching the subject of your erotic fetish fantasies with your partner. When you say the conversation went “unsuccessfully” …. what does that mean? Maybe I can help the translation to ‘non-fetish girl language.’ LOL I am after all a woman who also has non-fetish sides to my personality.

      Like always N, you made Me think. Hmmmmm…..I hadn’t thought about the blog readers being ‘conditioned’ to obey Mistress. LOL I know in the Femdom play that’s the case but hadn’t thought about it when you all are the non-fetish you. So, WOW, I’m going to think about this. THANK YOU !

  • Nicholas

    OK, wow! Yes, the full chat log paints an entirely different picture. I am sorry I missed that. I think your advice was totally spot on and I imagine will be very helpful to many.

    At the risk of throwing stones in my glass house over here, I think that the chatter has two issues that are really difficult to get around, and kudos to your patient explanations, especially when/if boundaries get danced across.

    First, it seemed to me he was looking for an easy way to get his wife to become everything he looks for in an LDW phone mistress, which isn’t very realistic.

    Second, he falls into the trap of “I want her to want to do X without me having to ask her to do X.” I think a lot of us get a little caught up in certain elements of fantasy and forget that a certain amount of “make believe” is implicit and inherent in “fantasy.”

    I think we all can learn from this in that we have to open, honest, and true to ourselves, but always remember that the other party has the same needs, even if they are expressed differently.

    • olivia

      Dearest N:

      You are totally RIGHT about the two things you spotted in the IM conversation. And THAT is why it was extraordinary and above the call of fetish or duty for HIM to be willing to go through the ‘process’ with Me and allow Me to publish it. Both points (which I’ll talk about in the next paragraphs) are UNIVERSAL and I hear them all the time. So, for HIM to be willing to be the example touches Me deeply.

      You put the first point this way. “First, it seemed to me he was looking for an easy way to get his wife to become everything he looks for in an LDW phone mistress, which isn’t very realistic.” I disagree with you. I don’t think he was looking for an easy way OUT of doing what needed to do ….what he was experiencing was such a level of frustration that he was asking for HELP. And My point to him is that he’s been saying this for 30 years but maybe his wife hasn’t HEARD it. It’s a similar existential issue to the question: if the tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it ….

      I can’t tell you how many men want Me to talk to their wives. The requests generally come from sheer frustration of not being able for them to feel HEARD coupled with the profoundly male response of looking for a solution. Actually it WOULD be a solution if the women would be willing to talk with Me as a sort of sexual facilitator or negotiator. But, I know women …. she probably wouldn’t be able to get back the phone sex part.

      If you get her agreement first and then let her move at her own pace you’re more likely to get what you want. That is what the IM conversation is about … in HIS world he’d said it all … but, that’s probably not the case from her perspective.

      I am BEYOND TOUCHED that HE was willing to stay engaged long enough to hear that re-framing, get it and then be willing to hear the coaching and, hopefully, take My direction. *touches hand to My heart* EXTRAORDINARY!

      The second issue that you point out is ” …. he falls into the trap of “I want her to want to do X without me having to ask her to do X.” Once again, it’s the re-framing. I heard HIM say he’s been telling her for three decades but she didn’t or wouldn’t do it. To re-frame… maybe HE needs a way to tell her so she hears what he is saying. I hear HIM willing to ask for what HE wants, but doesn’t have the skill set to do it. This combined with sexual frustration and the years of not effectively communicating have taken it’s toll.

      So….there’s no right or wrong here…..just simply ways to try and communicate between partners who do obviously love and care for one another.

      I ALWAYS look forward to your comments ! You make me think and smile :)

  • castaway

    Ms Olivia,

    Thank you very much for sharing that entire IM conversation. I’ve had a more vanilla lifestyle, and am a bit undecided how much I am looking to open up in my next hypothetical relationship (I’m single at the moment), but it was very instructive to read that conversation. You did a terrific job of making sure he was answering your questions, while being empathetical and supportive of his efforts. This is a perfect example of how you ladies are more than just a PSO. Bravo.

    • olivia

      Thank you castaway! In the blog post before this I talk about how much MORE we do than what most people think of when they see “ phone sex “. The Mistresses of LDW, of course, are a significant cut above some of the ads I see for other sites. LOL I have the best time when I get someone new to LDW as an erotic fantasy service!

      Being single you can begin the conversation with gentle questions or comments and see how your “potential partner” reacts. Jamie Rose mentioned in the sex secrets blog post that she made sure to tell all before she got married because she didn’t want to be in a marriage without being able to be all of herself. Others get married and then the fetish or kink comes *out* …. so that makes the conversation more difficult.

      Being able to negotiate this at the beginning of a relationship is ideal IMHO.
      THANK YOU so much for taking your time to leave a comment, it’s great to see you here!

  • Nicholas

    Here’s a link to my Enchantrix Empire reply.

  • Nicholas

    I tried to get fancy with html tags and I think my last post was eaten. Here is the link to what I wrote in response to this on my Enchantrix Empire blog:

    http://enchantrixempire.com/enchantsocial/blog.php?user=Jupiter&blogentry_id=1992

    I’ll reply to the question of what unsuccessfully means here (full context in my post):

    So I came out and said that I’d be interested if perhaps she would use a strap-on on me. Ironically that hasn’t even been a fantasy much on my radar, except it seemed to keep coming up recently in my writings, and therefore on my mind…

    Her response was “Ewwwwww! No.” :-p

    She wasn’t into it. She is not interested in anal sex for herself and absolutely no interest in doing it to me. She also volunteered that she wouldn’t even stick a finger up there, perhaps figuring that might be a follow up request.

    I don’t think I really need Girl Translation for that though :-p

    As for my conditioning comment, I stand by it even if it’s partly tongue in cheek. While there is absolutely a “non-fetish” me, and everyone, some people blur those lines. Certainly in the chat log you shared with us, your correspondent seemed to be dancing back and forth across that line. He was asking for honest advice outside of a “play” scenario, but still also continued the mistress/foot boy roleplay, even as you tried to demarcate those limits.

  • DCmike

    “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid” Goethe

    While there may be great risk, we choose to be with our spouses because we believe them to be our soulmates……….If you still believe her to be so, there is a much greater reward to be gained in the asking than risked in the withholding.

    Conversely, if one decides not to share their wants, desires and hungers, then both partners are condemned to live the comfortably numb existence of an inconvienent lie.

    I choose truth and light. Go on and tell her.

    • olivia

      @ mike…..
      I love that Goethe quote and I DO think that there is a place for boldness … and the Universe often comes together to honor that bold move. YET … in the reality of a marriage I think there is also place for caution. If one person comes into a marriage with a set of expectations, life and lifestyle, sexual style, communication standards … it CAN be offputting to have your partner ‘change’ things on your. It can be akin to changing the direction of the Queen Mary in a bathtub….bulky and unwieldy. AND, if that is the case in an intimate relationship like a marriage caution is always best because no one wants to ‘blow up’ what is otherwise a good relationship. It’s good aiming for the possibility of even better which is very different from the ‘lie’ which is generally bad.
      Does that make sense?
      Now, I’ve got lots to say about the whole concept of soulmates but that’s a different post. LOL
      THANK YOU !

  • Nicholas

    Hmmm… Definitely some interesting food for thought. I want to first reiterate that my comments were not intended to come across as judgmental, and for that I apologize. I agree that it was very courageous of him to bring this up AND be willing to have his private conversation posted publicly and be subject to scrutiny.

    I certainly lack your experience and expertise. I am actually completely astonished that so many men would ask you to intervene with their wives or partners, but perhaps that is just a step that I have not yet reached.

    I still struggle with the idea of identity in all this. From my reading of the logs, he has told his wife he has a foot fetish, and she is ok with him showering her feet with affection. His problem is that she doesn’t act out the roleplay scenarios that go along with his fantasies. So it would seem he’s past the very first hurdle which is broaching the subject, but he’s stuck at what seems to me to be the most difficult hurdle, which is asking for the partner to change behavior.

    I certainly can’t criticize and am myself probably in a very similar situation.

    But I will respectfully disagree on one point. It is entirely possible that his wife just will never enjoy/embrace his fetish to the same level as he does, and that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with her that can be “fixed.” Now *I* would think that if she’s willing to indulge his desire for play at all, that is a victory. So perhaps I was being too cynical in my language choice but I would think these are almost always going to be compromise situations, and maybe have to settle for less than ideal at times.

    Of course, my own flaw seems to be I want to over analyze things and come up with reasons for things that just may not be easily categorized :-)

    • olivia

      WOW ! N B …… what a post! Of course, you know I’m a fan of your writing and you ‘hit it’ again with this blog.
      I’ve got a couple of questions.
      Specifically about language. One thing that I’ve noticed in having “the fetish talk” with a RL partner is that the man get’s frustrated trying to communicate what he wants. You mentioned that you “danced around” the subject for a bit. Can you say more about that? Sometimes what is dancing around a subject to one person doesn’t even register on the communication radar for the other …. because, well, dancing around something is hard to catch.
      I notice this style of communication a lot with callers who either are new to Me, new to phone sex or really embarassed/shy about their sexual desires. They dance. Because of My experience AND because I’m totally focused on the caller and HIS NEEDS, I can ‘dance’ with him…..draw him out…..ask questions that can help him articulate what he wants.
      “Civilian” women don’t tend to do that for a couple of reasons … one, she doesn’t have the wealth of experience in terms of knowing how men communicate their sexual needs and two she may know you (and how you communicate) well enough to know that you want to say something she suspects she doesn’t want to hear.
      The first is lack of experience …. the second might be a tad bit of avoidance.
      But, both look the same in ‘guy-world’ and then the BLURT happens. The BLURT often lands like a thud in HER world. Were you so frustrated that she wasn’t ‘getting it’ that you did the BLURT? I ask because you mentioned that ironically strap on play wasn’t even “on your radar” to talk to her about.
      So….the BLURT is generally hyper direct and often not even what the guy intended to talk about. In her world, it’s too much OR can be used as the (legitimate) reason in her world to respond with the “Ewwwwww” comment (ie it can be rationalized in her world that she’s not hearing your attempts to communicate but rather than you came out with an extreme BLURT).
      I don’t know your communication status or style with your wife so I’m throwing out ideas here in the attempt to give you some perspective.
      Have you actually something direct but VERY delicate like …. “I love you. You are my wife and so amazing in every way. I have some sexual fantasies I think about. They turn me on and I’d love to be able to share them with you. Are you willing to have a conversation about this?” If she’s as glass of water as you say and not willing to change she WILL tell you. If she’s NOT willing to discuss this then chances are she won’t be willing to DO the things you think about and the BLURT won’t help. In her world, it would land like you’re pushing her boundaries. Sometimes in the “sex talk” NO actually is no.
      What are your thoughts about this.
      AND, can I just say that this blog post and what you’re talking about really touches on so many things that I would love to start a page on My blog that has the complete post. ((I wouldn’t have minded you posting the whole thing in the comments! YET, as I get up this morning, I realize I’d like to profile it (and other thoughtful posts from EE personal blogs) in a way that it’s easy to find on My blog. How would you feel about that? I’m going to post this comment in My comments section in response to your comment but I’d love for people to have a spot on My blog where they can read the whole thing. Would you be kind enough to allow that?
      CONGRATULATIONS on trying something and again, I’m thrilled there was no backblow (LOL) and think there still might be ways to continue the conversation with someone you obviously love who loves you also in real life. THOSE relationship are always more ‘complicated’ aren’t they?

  • HM

    We had our talk, and wow- she is absolutely into gaining control. She likes the idea of getting pictures of me at her feet, to have on file in case she needs them. She says it’ll give her a sense of control. If having me at her feet is what I want, and I’m willing to go along with her wishes, she’s up for it. After all of these years, it’s coming together awesome now. Now I have to be careful not to give up to much.

    • olivia

      @ HM … wow wow wow !
      @ the other readers waiting for HM’s update on having the fetish talk with his wife (AFTER coaching by the Experienced Mistress) … I’ll be posting our followup IM conversation here AND in the Eavesdrop on Olivia’s IM section. I’m going to post the whole thing in both places because I think it is THAT important. :) If this is the first you’ve read about this phone sex love life fetish coaching session….click on the Eavesdrop on Olivia IM and you can read the whole thing!

      HM: Hey hon, I saw your post, and alot of comments. We had our talk, and wow- she actually started me at her

      feet. She never said a word, maybe not quite comfy yet
      empress.olivia: don’t go…..
      HM: she wants to take pics of me at her feet, and not sure what else

      empress.olivia: on call back asap
      HM: ok

      empress.olivia: Off the call now, thanks for waiting! OMG !!!!!!
      empress.olivia: GET OUT !
      empress.olivia: So, are you telling Me it WORKED !?

      HM: yes

      empress.olivia: You both are beginning the direct conversation about what you really want?

      HM: it has the ice broke

      empress.olivia: awwww…….you’re going to make Me cry….and Mistresses don’t CRY!
      empress.olivia: *sniffle*

      HM: mmmmeerrrcccyyyyyy

      empress.olivia: but, remember this is the girl version of SO HAPPY …….
      empress.olivia: it’s the burst of emotion.
      empress.olivia: I’m SO PROUD of you !

      HM: she is wanting pics to make her feel in control

      empress.olivia: Now, let HER take the pace for the time being……..
      HM: I am

      empress.olivia: just let HER begin to experiment…….she’ll feel more comfortable if she’s in control.
      empress.olivia: And you might be pleasantly suprised at just HOW MUCH in control she wants LOL

      HM: and I’ve been rubbing her feet when she props them up in my lap
      HM: which she has done on and off all day
      HM: likes she’s trying to tease me now

      empress.olivia: GET OUT !
      empress.olivia: *snicker*

      HM: I thought it was cute

      empress.olivia: *nods* ……happy Mistress dance.
      empress.olivia: oh yeah…….
      empress.olivia: how do YOU feel towards your wife right now?

      HM: I told ya, this isn’t new, I’ve been trying for 30 yrs
      HM: hells fire, love the crap out of it
      HM: not sure what kind of pics she is wanting

      empress.olivia: Is what’s happening today NEW as a result of your conversation with her?

      HM: oh yeah, I’m sure of it
      HM: but I told her if the pics made her feel comfy, and they stayed on file as long as I went along with her, I

      would let her take any pic she wanted

      empress.olivia: Tell me what feels NEW about today’s events from the previous times.

      HM: she actually made the first move
      HM: and continued making the moves, just didnt have any conversation

      empress.olivia: HER making the first move is HUGE for you BOTH.
      empress.olivia: Now, don’t get caught up in the pictures…….let HER lead.

      empress.olivia: do you want MORE conversation?
      empress.olivia: WHILE she’s making the moves?

      HM: I don’t really care
      HM: hope she can relax, and have fun with it

      empress.olivia: okay…..today is the first day she’s trying it……and she IS not only trying it but she’s DOING IT.
      empress.olivia: savor this baby….SAVOR.

      HM: which I let it lead to her getting the kind of loving she likes too

      empress.olivia: TRY TRY TRY not to push…..or worry about what she’s going to do or whether she’s going to

      do it right.
      empress.olivia: SHE might be worried about disappointing you.
      empress.olivia: You don’t want to inspire that.

      HM: no chance, I told her it was awesome

      empress.olivia: here’s what you do…..don’t say ANYTHING negative about anything.
      empress.olivia: YES sweetie, YES !
      empress.olivia: just keep telling her that is the absolute hottest damn time ever!
      empress.olivia: Say THANK YOU !!!!

      HM: Thank you Mistress
      HM: you’re awesome

      empress.olivia: oh honey, not to ME !!!! LOL…..to HER !
      empress.olivia: giggle……say thank you to her.

      HM: to you too

      empress.olivia: tonite, tomorrow morning……thank your wife.
      empress.olivia: slip a note in her wallet that says something along the lines of baby thank you so much for

      listening to me and exploring this with me……I love you so much and you are my partner.
      empress.olivia: something like that.

      HM: she knows she’s mine, but you’re right, don’t hurt to let her hear it every now and then
      HM: wants me waking her up with me loving on her feet

      empress.olivia: Did she ask you to wake her up lovin’ on her feet?

      HM: yes

      empress.olivia: OMG !!!
      empress.olivia: I’m cryin’ …. I swear there are tears in My eyes I’m so touched.

      HM: do you think you can make a foot mistress out of her…..lol

      empress.olivia: Now, the next several days to a full week is CRITICAL…….
      empress.olivia: shower her with TONS of praise, hugs, lovin’ SHE likes and let HER make all the moves.

      HM: sounds good
      HM: she’s been all huggy today

      empress.olivia: MY suggestion is to get the issue of *will she be My foot Mistress* is too soon……whatever you

      do….get that out of your head.
      empress.olivia: THIS Experienced Mistress says, don’t think about that for ONE FULL WEEK.
      empress.olivia: *stern tone*

      HM: oh, she’s is just playing with the idea of it every now and then, that’s a big step forward

      empress.olivia: I’ll just BET she was huggy all day ….. that says a lot in girl-world ….. want to know what’s

      probably happening in HER WORLD?

      HM: once she finds she likes the power, I might have to slow her down……lol
      HM: sure

      empress.olivia: Okay……
      empress.olivia: the huggy is this: I just had great sex with my man and I feel close and intimate…..so I’m going

      to be cuddly.
      empress.olivia: THE SAME cuddly can also express…..I’m excited but also a little nervous so I want

      reassurance from my man.
      empress.olivia: It can be either …. but, I bet it’s probably BOTH !
      empress.olivia: So……when in doubt…..go for the reassurance…..and SHOWER HER WITH LOVIN’……

      HM: I’ll re-assure her no problem

      empress.olivia: and extra lovin’ that is non-sexual.
      empress.olivia: Don’t reassure her verbally….that’s kind of a guy thing.

      HM: she’s been getting hugs and kisses all day

      empress.olivia: That’s EXACTLY RIGHT !
      empress.olivia: awww……I’m so damn PROUD of you!

      HM: just ’cause I’m country, don’t mean I don’t have any sense

      empress.olivia: I knew you could do it……we are ALL rooting for you both!
      empress.olivia: ROFLOL!

      HM: lmao

      empress.olivia: it’s not that…..I know you’re smart and loyal and dedicated……

      HM: I left you a comment on your post of it

      empress.olivia: in girl-world the snuggles go a HUGE LONG way !
      empress.olivia: FANTASTIC !
      empress.olivia: Can I post this IM too?
      empress.olivia: The guys are all curious……

      HM: if you want
      HM: I’ll keep ya informed

      empress.olivia: and I want you to know that you’ve inspired others to have similar conversations.

      HM: you go girl……….

      empress.olivia: Now what’s the next step for you….for the next week?

      HM: wake her up at her feet, and keep hugs kisses, and re-assurances coming by the buckets

      empress.olivia: YES !
      empress.olivia: and put all thoughts about what’s next out of your mind.

      HM: and I guess, let her take her pictures

      empress.olivia: YES, if she wants to take pics, let her……let her lead.
      empress.olivia: Let her begin to ask YOU about what you’ve read…..
      empress.olivia: that will probably be in the next week or so.

      HM: don’t care about next if it keeps up like this

      empress.olivia: But, don’t get too needy about wanting MORE because women can sense that and it gets weird

      to be on the receiving end of that.

      HM: I hear ya

      empress.olivia: OH baby……I’m going for the GOLD for you !
      empress.olivia: I want you to have your Wife as your FOOT MISTRESS…….
      empress.olivia: and have the most amazing freakin’ hot foot fetish sex !

      HM: I’m already walking with my arms raised in victory

      empress.olivia: That’s amazing !!!!!

      HM: ok I’ll get back to ya later, just wanted ya to know what was up

      empress.olivia: HUGS YOU SO MUCH !

      HM: hugs

      empress.olivia: YES, get back to lovin’ on your wife…..and CONGRATULATIONS !
      empress.olivia: I’m thrilled for you BOTH!

      HM: thx again………you’re the bomb baby!!!!!!!!

      empress.olivia: *wink*….YOU did it…..I just *helped* ….. go on outta yer bad self.

      HM: lol c ya

  • castaway

    Hey Ms. Olivia,

    Don’t ask me how I came across this site, but this article might be helpful to your IM buddy (or anyone else with whom you are having a similar conversation). He sounds like he has “researched” his situation online pretty thoroughly, but it seemed like it contained a few ideas specifically referring to gently involving a wife in his interest and predicament.

    http://elisesutton.homestead.com/page3.html

    • olivia

      Hey castaway — THANK YOU so much for that link !
      As you know, I think more information, conversation, etc. is always better. I hope y’all on this blog take everything that’s said and then use your own judgment according to your own situation and personal standards. Safe, sane and consensual! LOL

      I totally *get* the whole female supremacy thing and will get into that in a roleplay or fetish situation but I’m not into so called Lifestyle Femdom or being Mistress to a sub on a 24/7 basis. It feels clingy and gooey in a bad way to Me.

      So, I disagree with the start of the article. I actually don’t think that women are superior to men just because we have a vagina and you have a penis. LOL I’ve known women that are …. really quite distasteful to be around. Same with men. THAT part of the link doesn’t ring true for Me or me.

      I view the Femdom play as hot erotic Power Exchange … where the submissive gives up his power to Me. I’ve done posts about the Gift of submission. Personally, it’s no fun for Me to play with someone who has no thoughts, passions, ideas, strength or courage. It’s not a good fetish match if someone is looking for Me to make all the decisions as a way for the sub to avoid personal responsibility. ONCE I have a good and clear idea of what the sub is looking for THEN I can begin to play with Female Supremacy, Femdom, Dominance/submission, etc. It’s a tool of play not a world absolute. I know some will disagree and that’s fine.

      Other than THAT personal pet peeve LOL the article was great! And, as you know, I don’t have to agree with someone to find the conversation interesting and valuable !

      LOVES all your music postings on EE castaway! Hugs in a naughty way. ~~laughs~~

  • Nicholas

    @MsOlivia — Hmm… Well, in terms of the “dancing” comment I mean that I broached the subject as we were relaxing together along the lines of doing something to new, or creative, or experimental, with our sex play. I asked if there was anything that she might be interested in doing or trying. She did not have anything new or whatnot that she was interested in trying. Then she asked if I did, since she figured that I must have had something in mind since I brought it up.

    So I don’t think I would categorize it completely as a BLURT, but I suppose I can see why you’d say so. The problem with the approach like “I love you. You are my wife and so amazing in every way….” is that is not really how we talk, so as soon as I get overy effusive about anything she goes into “What did you do?” mode. Not in a bad way, but she can get suspicious if I am using flowery language, “buttering her up,” or even just smiling (“Why are you smirking? What did you do?”) :-p

    So, I let the conversation drop at that point because I didn’t see the value in pressing too hard, too fast. At this point it is already out there, so that is a point to perhaps build upon slightly down the road.

    As for the “not on my radar” comment, I simply meant that particular facet/act of fetish and fantasy was not like something that I was intensely passionate about and really, really, really needed… But it’s an exciting and intriguing idea, and I thought perhaps is something that can eventually be compromised on.

    My main concern is that I don’t want to get my heart set on, or try and insist upon something that isn’t her. By that I mean I don’t want to try and /change/ her to meet my desires. She is who she is, and that is why I love her. Now, this is not my fantasy at all, but for sake of discussion IF my fantasy were to be something like “I want my wife to dominate me, take me out in public on a leash and make me suck on her friend’s toes” that is SO far away from who my wife is that I feel like it would be incredibly selfish and insulting to even ask it.

    Perhaps that is the kind of thing I was thinking about, or projecting, when I was wondering if your chat correspondent was perhaps overreaching with his goals. But the followup chat log seems to say things are working out well for him so that is good :-)

    As far as re-using any of this material on your blog, please feel free :-)

    • olivia

      Dear N …. THANK YOU for the clarification. You are SO RIGHT about how the conversation has to be within the ‘normal’ bounds of how you and your wife talk with each other. I ~laughed~ at your description of the ‘hey want do you want’ comment! Yeah, I can TOTALLY relate to that.
      So, my words don’t fit. You, like everyone who reads this, do ALWAYS need to filter what is being said through your own internal experiences, knowledge and style. What I’m doing is throwing out possibilities that may not have been thought of. Sounds like you’ve got this very well in hand and THANK YOU for sharing it with us !
      THANK YOU also for the okay to post your Enchantrix Empire blog here. What I’m planning on doing in the coming weeks is have a section in the essays page that is “In Your Words” …. for example your blog post, mylene’s blog post, etc.
      OH! Did you notice in the followup IM conversation that I incorporated your insight that people who come here might be ready/willing to take Direction from Mistress? I thought of you as I gave the instruction and then put the ” *stern voice* ” part so I wanted to publicly acknowledge you for telling Me that insight.
      You are a fantastic addition to our community. You make me think, laugh and explore.
      THANK YOU again for taking your time to share and respond !

  • DCmike

    Thanks for your thoughtful response Ms. Olivia. Your caveats are well received. I had not, however, meant in acting boldy that such a course of action should be taken absent thought or reason.

    Clearly, acting boldly does not mean acting foolishly. I still believe, in the balance, being honest is the best approach to almost every situation…………but, perhaps not ‘too’ honest about everything, depending on the folks involved. Some fantasies, perhaps, should not be shared in a particular relationship, or at least not all at once. :)

    • olivia

      WELL PUT Mike !!! I totally agree with you and for Me I “am” all about the honesty! I am who I am. I like it and while I certainly DO comprise / change in the mutuality of any relationship I’m blunt about the things that I don’t compromise.

      I’m really lucky that I met My sweetie AFTER starting in phone sex. Because this is My career as well as My kinky passion we HAD to have the sex talk in terms of how he feels about My business life …. and, of course, that naturally lead to lots of questions about WHAT I talk about ! LOL He got online and started reading various kinky stuff I’d posted and we began to have conversations about fetish play, erotic desires, kinky sex, etc. It was a natural progression in our conversations.

      WHEW I’m really really really happy and grateful that HE turns out to be equally open minded and adventurous. Now, I’d have never gotten involved with him had he reacted badly to Me doing phone sex and then the question of our personal erotic play wouldn’t even NEED to come up! LOL We’re creating the ‘rules’ at the beginning so that’s a HUGE advantage for us….and it’s a luxury that I do recognize that many (most) do not have.

      We’ve talked about this before Mike…..you say HE is the lucky one….*giggle* and yes he is….AND, so am I !!

      ps for My birthday he loaded hundreds of songs on a player…..it’s a really HUGE mix tape. Oh yeah, he totally gets me and Me.

  • castaway

    You know Ms Olivia,

    I agree that many of the overriding themes in that article where extreme as far as I was concerned. The one excerpt though that really tied into you conversations w/ your IM friend was the suggestion to begin by simply giving your wife or gf massages at the top b/c it has the dual benefit of you getting to handle the object of your fetish (in this man’s case, his wife’s feet), yet performing an act that is quite natural and primarily showing interest in her comfort and pleasure. That excerpt did a good job that arguing that some repeat activity in this manner can perhaps lay the groundwork for kinkier adventures to come. Of course, the other (even more important part is the communication, which you hammered home repeatedly in your IMs)

    I read some of the latest IMs–sounds like they’ve had some advances of late, congrats to them and your role as a wise conduit. Truly a courtesan!

    • olivia

      @ castaway ….. As per usual you’ve left a FANTASTIC comment! Of course, from you I expect nothing less!

      *big smile*

      AND, you now have the honor of being the inspiration for My next blog post. When you called Me a courtesan you struck a chord in Me because that IS how I see Myself in these relationships that are linked to My phone sex career.

      So, castaway…..since you started the blog post going up next I can’t want to see your comments !
      Look for it shortly, depending on calls ! LOL :)

  • Ms. Olivia you’ve done it again! This is such an intense topic and one I’ve lived in my personal life as well as working here at LDW so I’ve been on both sides of the situation. I once had a boyfriend who had a huge foot/stocking fetish and was totally unable to enjoy the experience as he judged himself “different”. We went to high school together and dated later in life and I found out that he used to sit and fantasize about my socks and feet in history! We talked extensively about his feelings, I would entice and seduce him physically and encourage and support him emotionally. The fact that I love my feet to be worshiped was a total bonus for him! He eventually accepted his fetish and was able to enjoy it fully but it took time. I really believe that experience has given me the ability to have empathy and compassion for my callers who struggle with the same issues.

    Your point about setting the rules up front is exactly right. Relationship is on-going negotiation and loving compromise however there are things that are non-negotiable and they need to be out in the open from the start. But how does someone introduce something into an existing, established relationship that’s deemed “different”. The comments above, and especially your amazing IM exchange, explored the question from many different aspects. And that’s just the point, we are all different and so there will be as many solutions as there are people.

    I have friends who live a polyamorous lifestyle and do it so well! Their level communication is total and complete, they have hard and difficult conversations that they both know are so important because on the back end you’ll both know each other so much more. That type of communication is key and also cannot be had without complete trust in yourself and your partner. And to be able to accept trust like that you need to be very self confident and self aware.

    Emotional strife in a relationship tends to stem from within and our insecurities. So to introduce the topic of say domination as an interest of yours may spark her feelings of “oh I could never do that” or perhaps a stronger reaction of judgment. And as has been said above, slow, thoughtful, considerate and loving is the way to go. Especially slow if you meet resistance.

    Castaway you make a great point, if you are single how much of yourself are you willing or able to open up and risk in your next relationship. On the one hand you have a blank canvas on which to paint a new picture. On the other hand you are bring yourself into the picture and the challenge is to dare yourself to take the risk of being open.

    I think I’ve given Ms. Olivia a run for her money on the longevity of responses! My brain is already perking with subjects we’ve all just touched on here.

    • olivia

      Dear Layla…..I do SOOOO enjoy you ! And, thank you so much for furthering the conversation.
      I’m curious and I know others will be…..when you mentioned that even though you were turned on, supportive and loving about his foot fetish, it STILL took HIM time to fully embrace it. Can you tell us about how much time? And, if you could….do you have any insights for HM based on the IM conversations you read. I guess you can tell…..I really like and enjoy this guy. And, I know he’s a great guy in a really good solid marriage/relationship. I know he’s reading the comments so I know he’ll see this.
      Here’s the thing…..his wife isn’t moving as fast as he’d like…can you shed any insight because your guy was the one with the fetish and it took him time to come to terms with it. I’m thinking that HM’s wife will take more time to get used to it and into it then HM thinks/wants.
      LOVELY LAYLA……I love it when your brain *perks* …. ((and your nipples too, but I digress)). ~~laughs~~

  • Brain not perking…..thinking of Ms. Olivia and my nipples….sigh…. I’ll be able to post later, need a cold shower now!

    • olivia

      Lalalaaaa Layla …….
      Want some *company* in that shower? ~~giggle~~ In the interest of scientific inquiry, we should CHECK to see what cold water actually does to slake human arousal …..hmmmmm, I’m thinkin’ NOT MUCH if I’m in there with you …..errrrmmmm…..HELPING as it were.
      ~~laughs~~

  • Oh Ms. Olivia, now you have me typing with one hand!

  • I can certainly understand your affection for HM. He clearly loves his wife and is interested in her comfort and feelings. I respect his efforts to be authentic and true to himself in such a way as to be understanding of her perspective.

    So to answer your question it took a long time, at least 2 years, for him to begin to accept his desires. It was a journey for us both, and there were many different ways I tried to be supportive and encouraging. We talked a great deal about his feelings about himself, his self worth and ability to love himself enough to allow pleasure into his life. We talked about his perception of others acceptance of his fetish and how that stumbling block was truly in his control to eliminate. Ms. Olivia and I are truly lucky that we have lifestyles that expose us to every different fetish imaginable and we love it! However in a more vanilla lifestyle social mores and constraints play a big part in how we “allow” ourselves to feel. Is it different? Is it unusual? What would people think? Well’ unless you’re running down Main Street wearing my stockings screaming that you just sucked my big toe, its unlikely they will know! And that, in my opinion, is the heart of the matter.

    My situation was a bit different, I was helping someone become comfortable with something that already excited them. In HM’s case it’s a bit different. He is asking someone to experience something for the first time that he’s been comfortable with and incorporated into his life for a long time. Its “different” and in many people’s minds different means “not going there”!

    The best advice I can give is also Ms. Olivia’s, go slowly, always encourage, never push or judge and be eternally grateful. I would add my own advice, be so incredibly turned on no matter what she does. That type of positive response will break down more barriers and inhibitions than any conversation will. Also, make it about her…..her feet turn you on, you have no idea how hot I get when you do that to me, you are so beautiful when I’m looking up at you holding your perfect feet in my hand. You get the picture. Be sure to reinforce the fact that your lovemaking up until now has been amazing and you have always been completely satisfied. She’s fulfilled all your desires. When you introduce something new its possible that the comparison can arise and doubts creep in.

    HM you made an excellent point, be yourself in all that you do, she’s come to know the real you, to love the real you and will be suspect, as you say, of anything that feels false.

    I admire your courage and respect the way you are approaching this. It is clear you work hard to keep your wife happy and secure, she and you are quite lucky.

    • olivia

      REALLY wonderful points Layla…..
      and I’m sooooo glad that you talked directly to HM about the TIME FACTOR……we’ve had some private IMs and he’s a lil frustrated at the speed (or lack thereof) that things are going. I can understand that….and you’ve given a great reality check. If it took your guy TWO YEARS to really come to terms with something that brought him sexual arousal in an encouraging and supportive environment, it’s not realistic for HM to think his wife will *get it* in a week. Actually, I loved how specific you got. I think your point about “what would people think” is a huge point for the person who doesn’t initiate the fetish. I wonder if his wife is thinking, what if my friends find out I let HM suck my toes. I bet that’s part of the delay….her coming to terms with that. GREAT POINT m’dear.
      HUGS YOU…….
      and just let Me publicly say….you were so damn hotttttt on our two girl call this morning that I wanted to suck your toes along with anything else!
      LOL

      • hootiemn

        Hey olivia, things aren’t where I would like them but hey, who does have it all. I am a lucky man for the honey I have enjoyed the last 30 yrs with. If I never get her to take control, so what, she is a fine woman, and believe me when I say, I was probably a handful when I was younger, but we stayed together through it all, and I don’t ever see it changing. She is my honey, for sure, and she knows that. Nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for her, including not putting her on the spot, or making her uncomfy with this foot fetish deal. I do love on her feet, it has just always been when I start it, if I didn’t start it, we wouldn’t ever do anything, but she is almost always willing if I am. She is more of a romantic, and don’t really fill the dominant role- per-say – but of course, has her way of getting what she wants (as all women do). Olivia, and all others with your comments and suggetions, I want to thank you for your support, and your ideas. I am a truely lucky man-I’ve known love and have had good friends, but I am also one that always pushes for something more. A wise ole man once told me -People don’t fail because their dreams are to high, but because they settle for to little- and I try not to settle. Thanks again for all of your help, and ideas, and hope I can return the favor someday. Ms. Olivia- you’re still the best hon!! The hootiemn

        • olivia

          awwww HM…..you are the BEST. I love that you send thanks and acknowledgment to the folks who have been following your journey. Now…..don’t give up sweetie. Resignation is a hard on killer and resentment is a bucket of ice cold water. I don’t hear ANY of that in you. I still think you’re sweetie might surprise you. But, it WILL undoubtedly take long than you like …..but hey, that IS the nature of human beings, being human! I love love love talking with you, flirting with you and yes making you get on your knees in front of Mistress and……suck My toes until I make you do even MORE things. ~~ giggle ~~ Ahhhh….the joys of foot fetish phone sex, there are so MANY ways to take the call!