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Crossdressing, sissy or transgender: Not all panties are the same!

Olivia 1-800-601-6975

I’m going to revisit the Dilemma of a crossdresser post and chrissy’s original comments about wanting the masculine and the feminine sides to be more integrated in intimate real life relationships.

This is on My mind for several reasons, not the least of which is that chrissy expressed something that I often hear.  Jamie Rose and Mylene leave blog comments on this topic and both are wonderfully expressive writers.  And, last night I had a long call with a woman who I met from our site for crossdressers.  She is not a crossdresser, she is TRANSgendered.

She was gracious enough to let Me talk with her about experiencing the military in her male persona and compare that being a pre op TG woman today.  (I have some of the most amazing interactions via this phone sex career!)

The continuum

I tend to see the world in shades of gray, rather than either/or – black/white.  So, it’s no surprise that I see the continuum in terms of people who are physically male but wear female attire.  The definition of a continuum is a sequence from one extreme to the other.  The opposite ends look very different, but along the continuum perceptible differences tend to disappear.

Men in panties

On one end there is the heterosexual man wearing panties.  I’ve written a lot about why men like to wear panties.  This can be simply for the softness of the fabric on a cock, the tightness of the pantie holding a pair of balls, all the way to a trigger for erotic humiliation or an outward expression of submission.  He might be a sissy but then again, he might not be!

The experience of wearing lingerie is external —  it enhances what is going on internally whether it is physical sensations or mental/emotional sexual arousal.  I would describe this as sexual kink often used effectively in conjunction with other elements for cock control sessions.

Gender identity

On the other end of the continuum is the person who is transgendered.  This is where the physical body at birth is different from the gender identity of the actual person.  Like all women, she can be attracted to men, other women, or both.  But, she IS a woman despite what the ‘born with’ body looks like.

Can you imagine being born into the ‘wrong body’ where your outside is the opposite of who you feel you are inside?  I can’t.  I don’t pretend to *get it* from personal experience but I embrace compassion, understanding and lovingkindness.  I ask LOTS of questions and am always ready to learn.

Where kink and gender identity can look alike

Magnus left a question in a comment on the original posts about kinks and the workplace.  Magnus asks, “Is what they do sexual? And if it isn’t, i.e. it is a part of them, then is their expressing that something that would not be sexual harassment? I know this is kind of rhetorical and not something we can just answer within the confines of Your blog.”

~laughs~ I can answer ANYTHING on My blog dear magnus!

Magnus elaborates:  “Just hanging around the chat room, I often see chatters talk about how they feel sexy or horny dressed up. OK, to each their own, but doesn’t that make that sexual? I would certainly think so. At the same time, we see transgendered issues in the news often, and (from my admittedly limited perspective), the people in the news are those that feel they are the opposite gender and it’s not a sexual thing for them at all. So then should a distinction be made and if so, how? I can’t bring up my fetishes in a work environment, so how could one prove what they do is not sexual? Just some thoughts I have here. I can certainly see HR people pulling their hair out here. :)

Real life workplace issues

Magnus, the HR people aren’t the only ones that find this complex!  I’m on Twitter (SexInfoBabe) and I follow MySexProfessor.  She did a recent blog post about a transgendered professor who was fired.  The issue of gender identity and discrimination is currently being addressed in state legislatures from coast to coast:   Connecticut to California.

Mylene posted a comment to your questions and it was so great that I’m reposting excerpts here (the italics are mine).

Mylene writes: “I’m obviously speaking for myself and everyone probably reacts differently to those situations. … As i said another time, to me, the “crossdressing” isn’t really part of the kink, but the submissive part is. I’m not really ashamed of anything i do, just worried about some close minded people finding out and causing problems.  (…)

Kink

“Whenever i’m going to do kinkier things, i like to dress in more sexy/less conventional clothes, and yes, those clothes are part of the turn on, but it’s mainly related of the fact that it’s a more “submissive” outfit.

Now getting back to the main topic, to me the kink is a kink and doesn’t have to be known by everyone, i’m fine with that.”

Gender self

“However, the way i handle the girly part these days is more complicated. It’s a bit like the mask conversation from the comments, but i don’t like the name “mask”.

The way i see it, there’s me, and there’s the me the other people see.

The public me is me projected thought what you could call “mask” (but i don’t like the name, it looks like you are hiding something, i see it more like clothes, making you look different but it’s still always you).

Every time, it’s still me, but with the “parameters” adjusted differently.

First of all, there is the family version. Being with a more traditional family, this one is truly a mask, watch what you say and what you do kind a life.

There is the public me, already more open, but still restrained enough not to have any trouble with other (stupid) people.”

Handling gender issues with close friends

“Whenever i become a close enough friend with some, the situation goes more toward the “girly boy” me. (of course, it sounds like it goes straight from one to the other but it’s progressive)

There, i’m totally myself, just as a boy, and so far, people seem to have no problem with that.

(…)

Then there’s the girl me, she is almost the same as the boy me but can dress the way she wants (well, pretty much the same, he may try to refrain from screaming whenever a nasty spider falls in front of him, but he just ends up screaming the same as her).

So far, not many people in my non internet life know about her, but two people are getting closer, hopefully, i’ll let you all know how the situation develops.”

What are your comments?

THANK YOU Mylene for taking your time to post the comment and share yourself with us all!  All of you know that I like this blog to be a conversation so post your thoughts, comments, reactions and questions!  Magnus, did that answer your question?  Did this bring up OTHER questions or issues for anyone?

Ms Olivia

22 comments to Crossdressing, sissy or transgender: Not all panties are the same!

  • tifffy

    Ms Olivia, I feel I could write a lot, I’ll try to keep it somewhat medium, lol. I had worn my moms lingerie when I was younger, about between kindergarten and 1st grade. After that never even once thought about it, until once I decided to make a phone call to a domination line. This is roughly 20 years later. Why domination I don’t know, but it was cool and different, which I liked. As I progressed, I found sissy school and a chat room. I started learning a lot. The term sissy was a turnoff. The more being in the chat made me learn more about the things I was interested in. Ive started to realize that I do want to be a woman. And I would only pleasure myself during a girl on girl scene. Now that I am seeing a therapist, I’ve had no problem dressing up while during our sessions, its like women inspire me to become as beautiful as them. Perhaps in that I see a beautiful woman and want her to be ,attracted to me as a woman. I wore a v neck top with skinny jeans and put heels on when I got there, I told her it was only second time I walked in heels, they are 5 inch, lol, she was quite impressed how good I could walk in them. Wearing them made me feel very sexy and feminine. My mom also said once before that I was supposed to been born a girl, wonder if that has to do with the way I feel today. Thanks Ms Olivia for letting me comment here. It was longer than I thought it would be, lol.

    • olivia

      Dearest tiffy! LOL Honey, comment as LONG as you want! I read everything and comment back….., some long comments are HIGHLY LIKELY to end up being blog posts! 🙂 I highly encourage lengthy comments, digressions (see magnus comments! lol) and lots of community conversation.

      Please, please don’t limit yourself here on the blog. After all, there are so many places in life where you do (and we all do) limit ourselves to fit into the expectations of other people. I hadn’t thought about it until now, but I want to have this blog as a place of safety for us all to express ourselves. LOL Sometimes that expression really DOES take a long comment! So, write until your fingers need a new manicure!

      That said, I just found this video …. Janet Mock….an editor at People.com who is transgendered. I think you, and others, might like this!

      You mentioned that you find the term *sissy* a turnoff…..would you mind telling Me (us) more? Intuitively, I’ve noticed that with lots of people (not just those who call phone sex). I’d like you to say more about that.

      I would LOVE to see some brain studies done during phone sex and this desire comes to the forefront after reading your comments and then seeing this post on female orgasms. Hmmmmmm, that gives me ideas! I wonder, also, if the brain of a transgendered person looks more like the self-identified gender then the outward physical sexual parts. What do you think?

  • I am so glade that this topic finally came up. I’m Jeff and I am trans gender .I started wearing stockings ,panties and other girl close when I was 11 and it seems as each year goes by and I’m still in the closet about my dressing up as a woman witch I do every night but I have to hide it . I feel depressed a lot I’m not happy as a man ,when I am dressed all girlie and pretty I feel normal at ease with myself I am so tired of being someone I’m not. I want to go to a gender place and start going through the steps of transformation.Start hormones and the hardest thing telling everyone who knows me that deep down I am really a woman and I want to finish my life as a woman but I feel so alone ,don’t know were to go . Sissy Jacklin

    • olivia

      Dear Jacklin ….. I’m so glad you wrote!

      The journey to *claiming* a place in the world as you know and define yourself to be is THE most intricate and complex part of being human. THAT is a journey that each human being has to negotiate …. it’s part of the experience of being human (at least that’s my opinion). That said, the experience of being transgendered presents unique challenges and obstacles.

      You mention that the most difficult part of this journey for you in to tell others in your community (who know you as a man) that you are really a woman.

      Here’s my experience (not as a transgendered person, but as a complex person). I can do the internal work inside myself to discover, recover and integrate to begin to define myself. That is largely internal work — me with me. But, then comes the work of finding myself inside of a community conversation that supports MY OWN vision (and definition) of myself. Ahhhhh, that is harder to do and has required some specific actions on my part. One of the critical points (for me) has been to find communities that support where I am (and where I’m going) in terms of my own personal growth. I’ve noticed that my community conversations take place in a variety of communities — I don’t expect one person (My guy, for example) or one community (BDsm community) to *provide for* all the diverse aspects of myself.

      While the phone sex community can provide you with a sense of *finding yourself* you might also want to connect with the transgendered community itself. Here’s a link to Janet Mock, who talks about her transgendered journey. The GLADD Blog (Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) has a specific community for transgendered news. There is also a group called the National Center for Transgender Equality. The reason why I’m sending you to advocacy and anti-discrimination website communities is that, as you already know, what you yearn for is difficult (emotionally, professionally and financially).

      Some people (many people) choose a middle option between the extremes of living in silence and being a public advocate. Only you can decide what is right for you. But, thanks to the web and access to finding people who have direct experiences like yours, there are more options then ever before. Like I said earlier, I’ve found MY options inside of communities that provide experience, education, support, etc. HUGS sweetie!

  • mylenesissy

    Thank you again for providing everyone with a place to talk about those issues, Miss Olivia.

    I had a few things to add on the whole “is it sexual” issue.

    First of all, a part of a mail conversation i had with Miss Violet, which you already so, which is about one of those moment where it seems to be totally non sexual to me, and a nice thank you to everyone here at LDW.

    (Speaking about winning the pageant)
    “To organise a pageant each year really is a fantastic idea, because i am certain i’m not the only one who has almost always wished to participate in something like this. (i also remember when i was a teen, getting up sometime late at night to watch Fashion TV and dream).
    Even if it’s just online, it’s still participating in something so feminine, so nice, i’ve actually had it on the back of my mind for the whole voting week.
    I was there thinking “omg, maybe someone will vote for me!!!”, so much that it actually slowed me down quite a bit in college 🙂 .

    But it’s a good thing, it felt real in my head. A huge problem i often have is that when i don’t have much free time in college or with family and can’t be in girl mode, i get depressed really fast. It hapenned to me for a while last month, and i remember one particular day, in the train, when a girl sat in front of me. She was SO well dressed and with perfect makeup, and she spend quite a while of the 30 min journey to redo her makeup perfectly. I was there, watching her the whole time, and in the end, i just wanted to cry and was holding back tears. Life can be so unfair, i just wish things could be different…

    But the pageant, and everything organised here by you and the other LDW Empresses, really does help me feel better about myself. It’s a really open place. And little things like this are really important. From now on, whenever i’ll get depressed, i’ll be able to think about the fact that i won. ”

    It seems to me that this is, as i said, totally unrelated to the “kink” part. As a matter of fact, i had a long and interesting conversation with magnus in the chatroom yesterday night about this post, which i kept since we touched “what goes on in the mind”, and the difference between gender/sex.

    mylenesissy: absolutly, and did it answer your question, in the end ?
    magnus: Sort of but I am working on my own response too
    mylenesissy: hope you’ll post it
    mylenesissy: at the same time, there is no true answer, that was mine, and it can be different for everyone
    magnus: I like to think a bit before I do, but I will do so
    mylenesissy: you know, thinking more about what you said, i remembered something else (about the “is it sexual” question)
    magnus: I’d love to hear your perspective, mylene
    mylenesissy: my perspective in the blog was that it was not, as quoted in the latest post

    mylenesissy: but at the same time, i do remember that the first “sexual” thing i think i ever felt was a dream, in which i was a girl in a swiming pool
    mylenesissy: i do remember it with incredible details, even if i were 12 back then 10 years ago in 2001
    mylenesissy: it was a wet dream, and i didn’t really understand what had hapenned when i woke up
    mylenesissy: but would you call that sexual? i’m not sure, i remember i had never been so disapointed in waking up, had never felt so good and hoped to get back in this dream for days afterward
    magnus: I think I might. In a way anyway
    mylenesissy: yes, it would depend of the point of view you adopt
    mylenesissy: but at the same time, the childhood stuff, i don’t think it could have been sexual in any way
    magnus: Exactly. And a lot of things can be sexual or not
    mylenesissy: i do remember not liking dressing up for carnaval (something like “mardis gras”) in school each year (ib boy’s costumes) and being fascinated by the girl’s costumes
    mylenesissy: also when i started to get more and more polly pockets/dolls/plush animals from my cousin (i still got most of the plush, would feel terrible if i lost them 🙂 )
    mylenesissy: the fact that i liked to watch “girly” shows too, IMO, that was too early to have been sexual, at least i believe
    magnus: I think it was though you probably didn’t associate it with sex then
    mylenesissy: hmm
    magnus: I think that is the way with me and feet. I have always loved them but I didn’t know about it being sexual way back when
    mylenesissy: yes, i see what you are getting at
    mylenesissy: but at the same time, there is also the fact that i always “connected” more with girls too, even back in school
    mylenesissy: i mean, even today, i think many guys are mostly “gross”, a lot of time
    mylenesissy: and back then i believed that too^^
    magnus: Yes, I did admit that my model was not perfect and I understand that
    mylenesissy: is there such a thing as a perfect model
    mylenesissy: you’ve also got to take into consideration the definition of sex
    magnus: No, but i mean I use my personal fetishes as a model and it may or may not work with wanting to be a girl, if that makes sense

    mylenesissy: yes, it does^^
    mylenesissy: everything is very complicated
    magnus: It sure is
    mylenesissy: i mean, i feel like i’m attracted to girls on the emotionnal level
    mylenesissy: but at the same time, i don’t think a have ever felt physical attraction for bodies. Be it a guy or a girl, i never found a naked body attractive
    magnus: I see. And there are so many differences too. So many likes and dislikes. No one is the same as someone else
    mylenesissy: even worse with the penis/vageena, i even find them both repulsive. That’s a bit why i never really even considered gender change
    magnus: Makes sense to me. A lot of transgendered people need to have the opposite sex organs as that is a huge symbol to them and not for other people
    mylenesissy: it’s not worth the trouble to me. If i could exchange it, just like that, sure i’d to it, but it’s simply on the practical “takes less place/easier for clothes side”
    mylenesissy: i hope i’m making sense
    mylenesissy: but at the same time, as i said in the blog, clothes can make a difference, some sort of clothes are “sexual” to me
    magnus: That does, yes, and the switch is not easy at all. It’s a huge commitment in time and money
    mylenesissy: both on me, what i wear, and on other people, the way i perceive them
    magnus: And that’s what I was asking about. Is being in those clothes sexual and perhaps inappropriate in some places.

    mylenesissy: it would depends on the situation
    mylenesissy: you see, if i ever manage to get out as a girl, and i hope i will, it will obvously be dress the same way as girl my age would

    mylenesissy: which is absoluly not the way i dress when i’m going to phone/camplay/whatever with someone and be submissive
    magnus: I see. And there is the sexual vs non-sexual part
    mylenesissy: i have no idea if that’s normal, but whenever i’m dressed that way, i turn myself on looking in the mirror
    mylenesissy: taking sexy positions, my reflection turns me on
    magnus: I think that’s cool. And definitely sexual

    mylenesissy: that makes it even more confusing to explain to others, you see
    mylenesissy: because in those moment, what turns me on, the kink, as we say, is being submissive, and i have no problem doing it with a man or a women

    mylenesissy: it doesn’t matter to me

    mylenesissy: even if on the romantic level, i have no attraction to men
    magnus: There is a difference between submission and romance. I understand that
    magnus: It’s not about attraction
    mylenesissy: add that to the fact that i’m not interested in “regular” sex
    mylenesissy: the gay/bi/straight question is completly blurred

    mylenesissy: whenever i’m asked, i have no idea what to answer
    magnus: Then don’t. Or say you don’t know. That’s a valid answer
    mylenesissy: but i do know, in the end, it’s just that it’s neither
    mylenesissy: it’s something else
    mylenesissy: i have to totally separate on one hand sex/gender/ romance, and on the other hand sex / kink
    mylenesissy: i have a different anwser for each one
    magnus: Well, that’s something to explore then
    mylenesissy: plus even on the gender scale, there are defenitly some days when i’m a bit more or less girly, even if it’s still won’t get further than girly guy, as i said in the post
    mylenesissy: in the end, i kow i’m myself, and that there is no need to be defined by words
    magnus: That’s brilliant. I admire that in you
    mylenesissy: but sadly, in this word, we like to put a sticker on everything
    magnus: We do, but not everyone. And some people are wise

    mylenesissy: for many people sex = gender = sexual orientation
    mylenesissy: and that’s the only truth
    magnus: For many people that is true and they are the ones I was thinking about who would not be so accepting say in the workplace

    Sorry if it’s a bit long, but i though it would be a shame to lose this conversation which in the end, by chance, touches a bit on the “brain study” topic you mentionned, Miss Olivia 🙂 .

    • olivia

      Hi Mylene and also *waves* Hi to magnus in abstentia in the Chat Room conversation in your post.
      Couple of things …. for the folks who don’t know about the chat room that mylene and magnus were in take a look at The Community Kink chat room or our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire. Both sites are free so enjoy!

      Mylene you said a BUNCH of things and I love that you’re willing to explain how you see the world and yourself! I know that English is your second language so I’m doubly (with embellishments b/c you’re French LOL) impressed.

      Here’s something you said that catches My immediate attention. You said, “What turns me on, the kink, as we say, is being submissive, and i have no problem doing it with a man or a women. It doesn’t matter to me (if its a man or woman) even if on the romantic level, i have no attraction to men. Add that to the fact that i’m not interested in “regular” sex. the gay/bi/straight question is completly blurred.
      magnus: There is a difference between submission and romance. I understand that …. It’s not about attraction.

      HEY ….. actually this is SUCH an interesting topic, I’m going to stop My response here and do a blog post about this!
      LOL…..I love to be INSPIRED!
      Thank you both so much!

      mylenesissy: whenever i’m asked, i have no idea what to answer

  • Jamie Rose

    I can really relate to and am touched by mylenesissy. My college years seemed as she describes hers. On the sliding scale of sex/gender/sexual orientation, I struggled. I had periods of depression that could only be helped by expressing my female self. I researched all I could in the college library regarding crossdressing and tried to understand myself. They say 80% of life is showing up and I show up about 80% of it as male. I am fortunate that my work career is good and my male side is good at what I do but my female side helps a lot. I am fortunate that I found a woman that knew and accepted me (male and female). Publically, we seem a typical husband and wife. Privately, we are much more like two females. When she recognizes my stress or depression, she suggests that Jamie needs a weekend. We have weekend getaways and go out as two women or I go visit transgendered friends. She says that I will never live fulltime or have surgery because I like my male side and career too much. I think I am lucky to have integrated my life as well as I have and found an understanding woman to share it with. It is not perfect but better than I had ever hoped. I hope mylenesissy can find similar peace and acceptance.

    • olivia

      awwww, Jamie you brought tears to my eyes with your post. If Mylene doesn’t read it on My blog, I’m going to make sure she goes to read it when she IMs Me next. Yes, I do phone sex calls but this blog is a forum for a community…our community!

      I’ve told Mylene that part of her feelings are part of growing up in reality and not just adding years. The adult journey is largely one of *claiming* who she is as an adult …. that is part of the human experience but poses unique challenges to those who are transgendered. Actually, this is difficult for anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into a box. I dated a woman for more then a year and it was a very close, loving relationship that ended when I moved for work. I can’t tell you how many of her lesbian friends tried to break us up because they said I wasn’t a ‘real lesbian’ …. well, of course, I wasn’t and never claimed to be (I’m bi sexual). At the time, it really confused and hurt me that a group that was already marginalized would, in turn, pass judgment on me and say I didn’t *belong.* I’ve since realized that that sort of behavior is part of the *meanness* that can be part of being human. Today, I have compassion and understanding …. and I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow … today, I (alone) claim the rights (and responsibilities) to define who and what I say I am.

      I know that mylene yearns for a relationship like yours and, given her courage at such a young age, I tell her she is on the right track to finding connections in all the lovely ways that connections are possible. THANK YOU Jamie for leaving your comment!

      HUGS and I’ll leave you with THIS suggestion…..take a look at the lace boxers on http://www.foxers.com ….. they are YUMMY! *wink* A girl’s gotta flirt just a *little* don’t you think? ~laughs~

  • mylenesissy

    I’ve read it, 😉 and i too had tears in my eyes at the end. Thank you for your post, Jamie, i’m glad you could find someone so fantastic.

    My high school years were definitively (does this word even english in english ? ) harder than college, since i was more closed .
    But in the end, it is not that much a bad things. In high school, you can get bullied much more than in college. In college, people are more mature and we were a much closer and cohesive group (at least in my case).
    That’s why i don’t feel (and least not fully) repressed anymore. I do enjoy, even as a boy, tighs jeans and to “show the curves a bit”. I’ve always crossed my legs to sit, so that wouldn’t change.

    It also reminds me of one class in 2nd year, it was the first day and i had totally forgotten to bring a pen, and the girl next to me had two spares one. A light orange one, and a pink/purple one. In the end, i kept using her pink one every week for the semester 🙂 . (It wasn’t an interesting class, after a while, she brought tons of color and we spend the two hours decorating our papers in all colors 😀 ) Anyway, at the end of the semester (going our separate way the following year, sadly :'( ), she even gaves me a few of them, including that particular pink pen.

    There were also the “nail incident”, as i like to remember it.
    You see, there is a very popular game in france, “Jungle Speed”, it’s a card game with a wooden totem.
    At some point who arrive randomly, the first one to take the totem does win.
    So we played Jungle Speed with some friends and while trying to reach for the totem before my friend, i totally scratch him.
    “Friend : ouchhhhh, (to the girl we were playing with), you scratched me!! (because she try to grab it in the mess, too, he though it was her)
    her : no, i didnt, i dont even have long nails.
    me: hmm, i think that was me.
    him: no ??? /he looks you really have girls nails
    /she looks much longer than mine for sure^^
    and we kept playing after that.

    Or another time (actually way before that), with the same friend :
    “college guy 1 (on a funny tone) : what are you always mad at me and never at him (=me) ?
    her : she is always nice
    him (to me) : she called you a girl!!! ”
    then they laughed

    I do have some very good friend in college, and i feel much better with them that i ever did with my family or in high school before.

    • olivia

      THANK YOU mylene! You’re right about the difference between high school and college. Actually, high school can be pretty brutal so it’s a myth that these are ‘fun years’ for most people. I know I keep saying this…..but, sweet girl, you are on the right track! With all the emotional and personal *stuff* you’re going through now, (and more importantly how you are handling it) you will reap the benefits throughout your life!

      Remember, it’s not what we go THROUGH but the fact that you go through. There is always *more* on the other side.

  • tifffy

    Ma Olivia, I’m not sure how close I am, but to me a sissy is one who goes out and actually wants and likes to service men while dressing up as a woman. That is nothing that interests me at all. And also now it seems, not that I want to get.in trouble, but if a mistress or even any female in our community that may see me in chat or phone or wherever with me using a woman’s name that I do, I feel like they automatically say oh he’s a sissy. Even sometimes if they don’t even know me. But then again sometimes I am confused, kinda like Harold Camping. But at least he has an excuse, he’s 89, lol.

    • olivia

      LOL @ tiffy! Loved your Harold Camping comment. Now, let’s distinguish between delusional (Camping), derogatory (someone who criticizes you for dressing) and the uninformed (someone who automatically assumes you’re a ‘sissy’).

      I never fault someone for being uninformed — I do tend to avoid those who STAY uninformed when presented with options.

      You can’t control other people. They will think what they think and they might think your name and incorrectly assume *sissy* how you are using the term sissy. But all things are contextual and relative. For example, I am *tall.* At 5’10”, I am TALL when among a crowd of petite women. I was short when standing amongst the Atlanta Hawks basketball team (with the exception of the illustrious Steve Smith to is also My height).

      I can’t control the *labels* other people put on Me. But, I can, and do, voice My own definition of Myself. So, long comment made short, you get to say who you are. If that happens in chat just say, here’s what I think *sissy* is – are you using the term sissy in that way — because I’m here to tell you that is not how I choose to define myself. It’s not confrontational, it’s a definitional boundary. Some will respect it, some won’t. You are only responsible for your own emotions.

      I, for one, NEVER assume anything about a phone sex caller. I’ll ask questions and, more importantly, LISTEN to what is said (verbally and nonverbally) and then communicate to check My opinions.

  • magnus

    Hi MsOlivia! Indeed it does answer me though I think the answer may very well be “It depends” and given the complex subject matter, I don’t think that’s a bad answer at all.

    I totally agree with You on the spectrum here and it was something I had thought of myself too. I very much like Your endpoints for that. What I still wonder though is where the sexual component resides. Given the end point of the transgendered person, as You do, I view her as someone who is a woman on the inside and she wants her outside to match. (I hope that is an accurate portrayal here, but it is my understanding.) So in that case, what she wears on the outside is not a sexual thrill at all. Not that she can’t think she looks nice or thinks she looks sexy even, but it would be the same as if she were a genetic woman wanting to look her best or look hot as the situation calls.

    This makes me wonder then if the sexual component goes down on the spectrum as the need to be more girly/womanish/feminine goes up. However, I don’t think that’s a perfect model either since that would imply the man in panties gets the most sexual thrill over say the occasional cross dresser and I don’t believe that to be the case.

    I had a very nice conversation with mylene after Your post came out (which I see she posted as well) and she told me for her, dressing is both expressing herself but certain clothes/looks do turn her on. Perhaps then she falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum there. It was very interesting to hear her perspective though I also know 10 different people would have 10 different perspectives.

    And what’s a comment from me without some digression? 😉 I am familiar with the case of the transgendered professor, at least as far as what I’ve seen in the news. While I can’t know all the details of course, I would disgusted if the allegations of bigotry in not tenuring her are true. Something like this though falls outside of my question about sexual harassment though. Whatever the outcome, there are no allegations against her of creating a hostile work environment (nor should there be, IMO), so while it’s quite possible that what she is is not being accepted by a higher up, her lifestyle…her being… is not being treated as discussing a sexual kink in the workplace. That goes along with my initial thoughts when I first started asking too.

    • olivia

      @ magnus First to clothing and sex. What we *wear* has long had sexual (and more) overtones. I interviewed RuPaul one time and she pointed out that EVERYONE wears drag …. hers is female attire and a business man’s is his suit. That’s true. Your *fetish* attire might be the chainmail …. mylene’s might be sexy girl clothes ….. Mine (for that very first phone sex call) was what I described in the post.

      In mylene’s case (and mine) NOT all female clothes are created equal …. for example, I do wear a bra and panties to the gym and I’ve work stockings and high heels to business events. I’m dressed in female attire but it doesn’t and I don’t feel the SAME as when I put on *special* clothes that make Me feel sexy. Mylene, can you weigh in on this as well? I mean, girl clothes to you are just regular girl clothes AND then there’s the sexy, submissive attire that makes a girl go wowwwww-zer, right?

      I totally agree with your assessment of the transgendered professor case, at least from My research and, frankly, that makes Me just spittin’ mad! Ahhhh….what FOOLS these mortals be! BLEH!

  • tommieboy

    This is a GREAT exchange. I think it brings people together by pointing out how different we are and saying in several different ways that it’s more than okay that we are. I am reminded of Margaret Cho and her buddy Ian Harvie (you tell me who would be “boyfriend” and who would be “girlfriend” in that relationship…no, on second thought, don’t, because there aren’t any). Thanks to MsOlivia and everyone who has shared here.

    • olivia

      LOL Thanks for posting tommie and for always getting Me coffee and always making Me laugh!
      I’ll ~spank~ you for that….but nicely! *wink*
      That’s a GREAT JOKE!

  • tifffy

    I was in a fantasy league at work, drafted Steve Smith and ever since became a huge.fan of his. Had opportunity to get a picture with him at hawks/76ers games a few times, bit never did ask thou. Dangit, lol.

    • olivia

      @ Tiffy …..yes, Steve Smith was amazing to watch wasn’t he? Really so damn little against all those HUGE guys ….. put him and Mookie Blylock next to one another and it was just damn FUNNY!
      BTW, I love that you love sports 🙂

  • tifffy

    Ms Olivia, I love sports and women, lol. I also love when you blog about this lifestyle. I’ve gone now to my therapist for a third week and I’ve dressed up all times and taking the train. I hope to be able to go to the trans-gender health on this Friday. I think it will help me a lot to learn about everything. The only thing I’ve realized is I’m a little worried about wearing a dress when I see her. Other than that o have no problems dressing up and going out in public. I have pictures of the Hawks warming up back then, I’ll have to see Imif I can recpgnze who’s who, like treehouse rollins, lol.

    • olivia

      Hi tiffy ! Ever time Philly wins I think of you! 🙂 Especially when they’re playing the Mets (nominally ‘my’ pro team).
      Now…….How was the trans-gender health event you went to? How did you FEEL? What did you LEARN? How are you feeling about yourself now?
      HUGS!

  • tifffy

    It went very well. I wish I could’ve gone all.three days. Got a little makeup done on the eyes. Lot of interesting people and all very cool. I also got a lot of comments on my metallic hot pants, some even said that I “was wearing” it very nicely, whatever that means, lol. Even a little girl, which I didn’t know how to respond to her, except thanks. And I was asked what pronoun do I prefer, was never asked.that before. Had to try and.remember what a pronoun was, lol. Every day I go out dressed, its not bothering me or I’m scared to anymore, starting to feel really good. I’m gonna try and.make.a blog post on ee about it.:) <3.

    • olivia

      *waves* Hi tiffy! That’s FANTASTIC to hear! I can *hear* your excitement and how wonderful it was to be among people that *get* you! EVERYONE needs a community and people around you that *get* who you are! EVERYONE! I’m sooooooo thrilled for you! I did have to ~laugh~, I can just *see* you in those metallic hot pants trying to remember back to the grammar lessons and what a pronoun is ! Did you get your EE blog post up? HUGS and sparkly lipstick 🙂