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Who is in charge: Mistress or submissive?

Ms Olivia  1-800-601-6975

Ms Olivia 1-800-601-6975

This is a question that bounces around the BDsm fetish community and in our own kinky community within our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire.  Who is in charge?  Is it the Mistress who directs the actual play or the submissive who tells the Mistress what he or she wants…who is ultimately in charge?

Phone sex is slightly different

Each Dominance and submission scene is unique because the players are individuals.  When, where and how the players get together has an impact on the dynamics of the scene.  A Pro Domme will have one set of rules and ways to do things.  A relationship that is unpaid, inside of a kinky fetish community will have different expectations and dynamics.

Phone sex domination also has attributes that influence the question of who is “in charge.”  This is a paid relationship so the caller is ultimately ‘in charge.’  BUT, a good Mistress is, in part, paid to deliver an experience where the caller has the feeling of NOT being in charge.  Like so much of BDsm play it can look like two opposites.  You call in to get cock control but once you’re with Me, I’m in charge of the cock control.

Mistress establishes control

In any call, the first thing I do is establish control of the call.  This means I am guiding the call.  Sometimes I am very subtle and sometimes strict or stern.  I ask questions, find out what My caller wants and then we take it from there.  I insist on the mutuality of a call where the client is expected to communicate what he/she wants.  I’m very good with shy, quiet callers but won’t put up with passive aggressive behavior.  There’s a difference and we all intuitively know when a call doesn’t “click.”

Submission is a gift to Mistress

In power exchange the submissive partner gives the gift of submission to the Dominant partner, the Femdom Mistress.  This is a GIFT.

Here’s the way I think about gifts. Gift giving is a symbiotic relationship. In order to GIVE a gift you must have someone who is willing (and able) to ACCEPT the gift.

Giving gifts is TONS of fun! I love giving gifts!!!! To *see* someone light up with an unexpected surprise fills Me with ….. hmmmmmm, light and air and tingly feelings! It’s the BEST! BUT, I’ve also been on the side where I was trying to give a gift and the person was ohhhhh no no, I can’t take that from you. Then, that light, airy feeling collapses and I start to feel constrained and just plain ICKY.

Some people are FANTASTIC gift receivers and some aren’t. THEN to compound it, you have some people who EXPECT gifts and that sort of self absorbed arrogance of entitlement totally KILLS the yummy feeling I get when giving a surprise gift.  That type of person is no *fun* to give a gift to either!

So, to have fun giving a gift there needs to be the right kind of person on the receiving end. Someone whose response fulfills what you’re looking for as the gift giver. Just like Power Exchange between a Dominant and a submissive….their energy, styles, etc have to mesh together. When people *click* it’s the *zing* that brings life to LIFE.

Who is in charge during a fetish scene?

Back to the original question – who is in charge.  Mistress is in charge of the scene.  Both are communicating in the dance and desire of power exchange before and after the scene.  What do you think?

Ms Olivia

8 comments to Who is in charge: Mistress or submissive?

  • I agree completely Mistress Olivia!!

  • wellspanked

    I know this one. I know because I may have paid the price for getting this one wrong a time or two. When ever the mistress asks who is in charge the answer is always, “You are in charge, Mistress.” LOL

    Seriously though, it is a balancing act for both people involved. A conductor leads the orchestra, but musicians are free to play the notes, but not take the direction. I can think of it as the mistress leads, and sub has the choice to follow. As long as the sub has faith in the path there is every reason to follow it.

    • olivia

      That is a wonderful (and visual) metaphor wellspanked. Here’s the thing. Once the fetish scene play starts Mistress is in charge (unless the submissive stops play with a safe word). One of the reasons for this is because I get into My own Mistress space and I don’t like that interrupted. BUT….away from the scene, it’s a mutual creation between the submissive and Mistress. And, you’re right, it’s a balancing act. I wrote a blog, Mistress doesn’t mean bitch, because I feel strongly about this. There are people who become Dominants because the want to be controlling. It’s subtle, but a control freak isn’t a Mistress. All of this is subtle….but when it works well it’s really is like an orchestra and the music is thrilling!

  • Melissa

    It is a cherished gift not always as easy as it sounds to offer up. Ultimately it is the submissive that is in control, the Mistress however is always in charge 😉

    • olivia

      You are absolutely right Melissa! And the fact that the Gift of Submission is NOT always easy makes it all the more cherished in the ‘right’ relationship! I love your phrasing….”Ultimately it is the submissive that is in control, the Mistress however is always in charge.” That’s a lovely way to really explain this unique and very loving relationship.

  • bumkin

    I believe that i not only give You my submission but also i give You my secret fantasies as part as my submission to You. The things i find myself giving to You to help You rule over me i would never give to anyone else. I trust You completely not only to use my secret fantasies to create a fun and exciting place to explore more than what i think i know but also so You Can and Will rule me and my thoughts completely. I give You all that i can and its such a thrilling feeling that You receive it. I am So excited every time i call wondering what boundaries You are going to take to and through. I get just as excited when You answer my blog comments the way You do with such grace. You amaze me and i know i haven’t given You everything yet (but i will) but i am looking forward to giving You more in the future. Thank You Mistress Olivia for receiving my gift of submission and devotion to You.

    • olivia

      I’m SO touched by your comment bumkin! I’ve talked a lot about the Gift of submission and how much I value that! I am thoroughly enjoying our playtime together and our ongoing erotic conversations here on the blog! I find that you have captured My attention and the exchange is thrilling! I’ll admit to just a bit (~grinz~) of an exhibitionist streak in Me so the fact that we’re having these written conversations on My blog is some wicked fun for Me! Remember a Mistress can’t be a Domme without a submissive….so the power exchange swirl of energy is mutual and just as enjoyable ~smiles~