I write about some of the tricky and very real sex issues that you face.
Often the questions or comments revolve around how to stay ‘faithful’ in a real life relationship while still getting your fetish sex needs met.
For example, if you yearn to suck cock and your wife would be shocked to hear that, what do you do? Does your partner know that you like to dress in women’s lingerie? What about being the successful business man who yearns to be a sexual submissive? It’s more socially acceptable for the woman to be the submissive but there are a huge number of male submissives who yearn for the erotic control of a Mistress (I know).
Question from the Live Help Desk
The lovely Ladies on our phone sex Live Help desk get this question fairly often so I’m going to address it here.
The question is: I’m married, is phone sex cheating?
There are so many aspects to this question. Like most things, it depends on a full view of the person asking. Like most of My blog posts, I don’t believe that there is a one-size fits all answer. More often than not, I give you things to think about and then ask for your thoughts in the comments section. In this way, we begin a dialog on issues that matter to all of us.
What do you think?
Is phone sex cheating? Is the sex fantasy okay but the intimate conversation not okay? Have you talked with your partner about calling phone sex or a Mistress? (I know that some of you say you have.) Let’s start the conversation. Let Me know what you think in the comments section and I’ll answer you there.
~kisses~
Ms Olivia
An E.L. James question.
50 Shades of Grey as to whether it’s cheating. Probably open to debate based on our own unique perspectives and beliefs.
Maybe the more important question would be: Is it damaging to your relationship?
I think that answer lies in what you bring back to the relationship afterwards.
Maybe it’s a recharged libido that you’re able to share with your partner. Sex isn’t just about the props and costumes, it’s a form of communication. Maybe you scratched a kinky itch. Something you really didn’t want to share with your partner. Now you can get back to celebrating the 1000 non kinky things you do love about them.
Or maybe you bring back resentment that your partner doesn’t look and act like the fantasy. You withdraw emotionally and invest more and more of yourself outside of the relationship. Unfortunately we all know guys who blew up their lives chasing some carnal mirage.
As for telling a partner about phone sex, I think it’s a monomer we have to share everything to have a meaningful relationship. There’ll always be parts of us that are kept from even our most intimate relationships and I think that’s actually healthy.
Dear John ….
I LOVED your thoughtful answer! Thank you so much for taking your time to post your comment!
You’re absolutely right….there are 50 or more shades of Grey with almost any question about relationships. I think your answer speaks to the real need for the two people to be in agreement of what is expected.
For example I personally think (like you) that privacy and boundaries are healthy in a relationship. I also think it’s normal and good that my guy masturbates. I bought him a membership to a porn site he likes. BUT, I leave him to the privacy of his jerking off time (except when we’re playing LOL). That works for us. He had a previous girlfriend who didn’t want him watching porn and also said he was not *allowed* to masturbate. They broke up.
I think your issue of *what you bring back* to the relationship is critical…and I’ve seen relationships that are going wrong bring back some nasty, bitter energy from the most innocuous of things (think, going to the gym instead of doing a phone sex call).
When a relationship is heading south, anything can be an excuse to say, see this person sucks (using that in the bad way). Just like when a relationship is sparkly and new even the most idiotic behavior will elicit an awwww, how cute sentiment.
Like most things, it depends on the lens that colors the vision.
You comment is such a great way to start this conversation…..THANK YOU!
i personally do not believe it is cheating, i look at it more as simply vocalizing my fanatasies.As a submissive cocksucker who enjoys dressing up, i think it would be damaging to a relationship to not have an outlet for this.i know from experience that simply trying to ignore one’s fanatasies and desires that a partner may not agree with does not work, it it who i am, and being able to “get it out of my system” as needed makes me a better partner in my relationship.
Being dedicated to your partner in real life is what matters most.
I agree jolene and well put! I know for crossdressers and sissies who try to *stop* the femme dressing …. by purging or trying to ignore the desires…. it just doesn’t work. I’m not sure if ANY sexual need or desire can really be avoided totally. At least that is my educated opinion after talking with several thousand callers, many of whom have tried to avoid a fetish need.
Hi MsOlivia. This same question has come up before on other blogs, but I think the discussion from it is always good. My opinion is that on the surface, no, it’s not cheating. The participants are separated by distance, often role playing or what have you, but they’re not having actual sex, and I think the sex part is necessary for cheating. Now, having said that, I do think there can be an intimacy there and as such one’s partner may not be all that on board with it. She may feel inadequate, wondering what she doesn’t provide (though of course that may be that she doesn’t want to fulfill a fantasy – not going to delve too deeply there for now) or…. she herself may think it’s cheating. Different opinions abound there. So if she isn’t happy about it, it may be best not do it, whether he considers it cheating or not.
You’re right magnus, this is a popular issues on blogs because we all get lots of questions/comments about relationships. I think any phone sex companion who is a good listener will hear the *true confessions* of what men really think about and want in relationships. Doesn’t mean that everything is exactly true in reality but I think we tend to hear a more real version because the guy doesn’t feel like he has to pretend to be something he’s not. Does that make sense?
You identify the key thing in this…..it’s the lens used by the partner that is the critical factor. For example, I don’t feel like I’m “not enough” when My guy jerks off to some of his favorite porn. Of COURSE I’m *enough.* AND, we all like variety! LOL But, I think many *vanilla women* take this issue of sex very seriously and very personally so I can see your point. If she begins to think his masturbation or erotic fantasy habits are because she is somehow inadequate then that will, of course, poison things.
I would agree with both comments. I struggle because my spouse would be appalled about such calls. Mathis certainly triggers a guilt response in me. Mi have tried to suppress these feelings. I simply cannot. It strikes quite the dilemma.
Ahhhhh pet…..I feel you! I’ve done lots of posts about these sorts of issues and you’re right, the dilemma is acute. I sometimes think that people who are just starting a relationship are in, perhaps, better shape because they can talk about these sorts of things before the relationship solidifies (emotionally and legally). BUT, I was talking on the phone yesterday to a man who is struggling with dating and wondering where does a submissive man go to find a Femdom woman in real life? He pointed out that there are many more submissive men then there are Femdom woman and that is true. So, I think submissive men do have a challenge above and beyond the issue of variety and cheating.
One thing I have learned, pet, is that trying to suppress these urges might work for a little while but they will always come back and need to be handled.
Some dude breaks up with his girlfriend because he’s not allowed to pleasure himself. Walks the streets despondent. Finds chocolate bar. Opens and wins one in a billion chance Golden Ticket to Femdom Valhalla.
Nice.
Working on screenplay. Just need Christina Hendricks to shut up and wear the blonde wig.
BTW I bet Ms.O is going to say she found her Golden Ticket as well. Awwwwwwwwwwww. Very cool. This is going to be boffo box office. First ever NC17 Chick Flick. Bring a box of tissues. Even if you don’t cry you’ll need them for the “happy ending”. Especially if you see it in 3D.
~laughs~ Can’t respond to your comment right now….heading off to the store to get My Designer Femdom 3D glasses!
For non Golden Ticket winners still looking. Just a thought.
Where are all the femdom women? Probably in hiding. Inundated with marriages proposals and the unfathomable “I don’t know you but here’s a picture of my junk, what’s your phone number?” emails. BTW have those ever, ever worked? “Wow, nice scrotum slaveboy. Let’s get married.”
Finding Femdom women is swimming upstream because the reality is that most women want the exact opposite fantasy. They want to be dominated, tied up, etc. They want the alpha male.
Maybe try finding someone not Femdom but with whom you’re compatible with the other 23 hours a day you’re not having sex. (Your mileage may vary) Find out if that person is open and sexually adventurous. Not a domme but willing to play the role from time to time because she loves the rest of your relationship. Lots of Femdom is actually stuff vanilla women would be thrilled with: body worship, expert oral sex, focusing on her needs etc.
There is someone for all us. Good luck!
~laughs~ Seriously, you are right….there are way more women who do want the so-called Alpha Male. Might be gender genetic, might be cultural, who knows?
Witness the 50 shades of grey phenom….I haven’t read it, but I probably should.
*nods*
I totally agree that other 23 hours of the day are WAY more important! When my guy *left* a relationship because she said he wasn’t *allowed* to masturbate that was simply the final straw….I think we all know people who like to control others. I’m not into that. I’m much more of a live and let live. Of course Femdom IS about control but I do it as Power Exchange….we BOTH have power, he gives up his power to me in erotic scenes. If I had to dress him and do the 24/7 be in control I’d lose my mind! (just sayin’ others mileage may vary).
You bring up a great point about finding someone who is sexually adventurous and ultimately compatible for ALL the parts of you! YES! I actually have two women that I talk to that I am coaching them how to *Femdom* their husbands! Now THAT is a smart woman in my opinion! But, like other comments I make, that’s just my personal opinion.
i agree with all of the excellent comments above regarding this particular question Ms Olivia. Everything is relative and depends on the individual relationships; which vary widely depending on the people involved as we know.
i have been divorced for along time; i was married for 17 years. Had my ex been more dominant i would have probably never filed for a divorce. Submissive feelings do not go away; i had them as a teenager; today i am in my 60’s and still have those same feelings. In my marriage my ex would have considered it cheating for sure without a doubt.
i feel that if there is good communication in the relationship and if the call is open one could bring back some things that could really be beneficial to their relationship. It can help the partner understand where their mate is coming from better.
Thanks for posting your comment billy! The submissive feelings don’t go away. That’s been My experience hearing all about this on countless phone calls. AND, when I talk with people about how to negotiate this inside of a relationship it is always difficult or almost impossible to do when you’re already YEARS into the relationship. The roles and responsibilities are already kind of set. If she married you to marry an Alpha Male then it’s hard to say, that is part of me, but there’s this other part that is a submissive male. BUT….if you get this stuff acknowledged and sorted out/accepted before the marriage then she can’t say that you’re changing the rules. BUT….what of the marriages where people get married and THEN find out things? Ah…..I’m older and I really KNOW myself sexually (and in all sorts of ways) that I had no clue when I was in my 20’s. I know that you’re right….at any age, communication is the key. THANK YOU for writing!
You are quite welcome Ms Olivia and thank You for Your comments. 99.5% of the people that know me would say i am an alpha male and so did my ex think that when we got married. i thought before i let her know anything about my submissive feelings we should get to know each other better. Apparently that was a mistake in the relationship to begin with. One thing i am proud of is my two daughters are both dominant in their marriages. i know i had a major influence on them as they were growing up. i taught them how defend themselves and to not take anything off guys at all.
Thanks for writing again billy! I think sometimes it’s really difficult to even make sure you’re telling your partner who you are….because, if you’re like me, you might suspect something about yourself and then the actual knowledge comes to you in stages at a later time. It’s impossible to tell someone something about yourself that you don’t consciously know! Or, even be held responsible for NOT tell something that you have just realized! I have an agreement with My guy that I’m open to trying pretty much anything and everything and I’ll tell him if I don’t like it. I take the lead sexually but he takes the lead in all sorts of other areas where he is more of an expert. It’s a give and take that works. Like most relationships, the people involved have to find ways to connect that work for them. I’m so glad that your daughters have ways of being that work for them! YAY for you and them, both! 🙂
There is relity.There is fantasy.That is what is great about fantasy.You can have a great time if done in a healthy way.As Emerson said Most men live lives in quiet desperation.If one can escape that and get away from peer pressure then they can live a fuller life.Obviously it makes no sense to alienate those that are afaid of getting out of their comfort zone or simply are not educated enough.It is simple.Healthy sexual fanasties are fun.Do not make it more complicated than it needs to be.Have fun.Do not let it control your life, but enjoy it.
Thanks for leaving a comment gigi! I love that Emerson quote! I read Walden years ago and the sentiments have stayed with me. I do NOT want to come to the end of my life and realize that I hadn’t lived. You’re *light* touch makes me ~smile~ because I do think it’s easy to get all bent out over something that ultimately doesn’t have any impact or import! Phone sex fantasies are a wonderful connection, outlet, kinky play, pleasure! AND the connection can be as close or as *professional* as you want. PLUS, there’s all the panties to wear! Wheeeeee! ~smiles~
Thank-you Mistress Olivia, and of course there as you say the panties and so much more-red dresses, lacy bras, lacy nite apparrel, pumps, purses, hose,mascara, eye shadow, eye liner,lipstick, boustiers,, blouses, skirts, perfumes, bathing suits, chokers, necklaces, braclets, toe rings, nail polish, earrigs,belts, gloves, wigs, etc.Oh how pleasurable to be feminized and also obey the power of beautiful feminine, dominant women like your self.Thank-you Mistress Olivia.Great blogs-thoughtful and insightful
awwww, thank you gigi. Ohhhhhh, it sounds like you’ve got quite a wardrobe there! Did you see the sissyville.com blog posts I did about the porn star? Takes you from the transformation to the dressing to the casting couch! ~laughs~ Oh MY!
Ms. Olivia,
Your quote “I think we tend to hear a more real version because the guy doesn’t feel like he has to pretend to be something he’s not.” above makes sense to me. The cheating, i think, is in not sharing who you are with your spouse or SO, hiding away the real person, and as Your quote shows, that real person is the one who is calling on the sex line.
When i got married, i was very young, didn’t know myself well, and pretended to be that Alpha male. After 20 years of learning myself better, i tried hinting around that i wanted to be dominated, and Wife would not take me seriously. It was out of any experience She had ever encountered, i think, because society doesn’t approve of strong women and submissive men. So i had to actually beg Her to try it, give me a chance to be myself, at least in private, and because i am a lucky man with an understanding Wife, She agreed to try it out one weekend a month.
The early years, when i hid who i was from Her, that was cheating. Now, more than 20 years later, She relishes having the control and authority, though it is still something that waxes and wanes with the stress in other aspects of our lives. As for phone sex, hiding it would be cheating. That’s why i could never call without explicit permission. Fortunately, She joined me on the call to Ms. Delia last month, and used the call to pick up some pointers from Her on ways to expand Her power. Unfortunately, i am now in a chastity device, but really i welcome that and am so glad that i made an issue of being honest with Her so many years ago about what i needed to feel real.
Thank you so much for writing sissy b! Your experience is very common. One person on our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire said that it’s not fair to spring a fetish on a spouse years later … but I disagreed then and still feel strongly about this. You’re a wonderful example of what I mean. When you marry young, how in the world do you know who you’re going to be 20 or 30 years later?
I think it is WONDERFUL that you were able to have this conversation with your wife. I know that this is possible and certainly not common as I saw in the comments when I posted a blog on a question: How do I talk to my wife about my sex fetish? I’m so glad you got a more tolerant reaction than most of the people I talk with on the phone! AND, I love that you’re talking with Ms Delia. I was reading her blog where she talk about sexual pleasure without orgasm …. and, of course, since you’re in chastity you’ve got the no orgasm until Mistress says experience going on! ~smiles~
Feel free to come here at chat all you like! We know you need contact when you’re in chastity!