I get a lot of questions about a variety of topics. The current batch of questions seems to center on what is *normal* in terms of sexual arousal or erotic fantasies. Do you or have you ever wondered where your sex fantasy falls on the scale of vanilla to so called extreme fetish sex?
Do you wonder how your sex fantasy compares with the sex fantasies of other men? In short, what is ‘normal’ for male arousal in general or more specifically on phone sex?
There are several issues here, the first being YOUR personal comfort level with who you are and what your sexual desires entail. I did a poll on our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire, asking members if they’d ever wondered/worried about what they find sexually arousing. The “normal sex fantasy” poll shows 2/3rds of the respondents saying, yes they’re comfortable. About 1/3 express some level of concern.
How to talk about the sex you want
I’ve done other blog posts about the issues around handling your sex secrets. Concern about how a partner perceives you is part of the *dating dance* as Paul points out:
“First, I think everyone has their own thoughts of what is “normal”. After all what may be “normal” for one, may not be for someone else, and there is nothing wrong with that at all. The other part of that is one would have to feel comfortable with someone in order to truely share their fantasy. On some level, I would think that everyone at one point or another worries if their “normal” fantasies are “outside the norm”. I know I have.”
I have too, Paul! Now, let’s add on if you have an erotic fantasy that you know is outside your perception of the norm. I think the fantasy of a man who wants to be coerced into sucking cock or a man ‘made’ to eat his own cum are two great examples. Remember that the norm will change depending on the group. What I perceive to be the norm in My quilting group will be very different from what I perceive to be the norm in My real life fetish group.
Lessons from phone sex
What phone sex has taught Me is to NOT assume something based on appearances. Believe Me, most people have sex needs that are very different from how they present to the world. This is especially true for male submissives who crave the ‘vacation release’ of the occasional submission to Mistress fantasy.
Therefore, I’ve learned not to judge a book by the cover! What do I know? The quilters might be into fetish needle play! ~laughs~ And I know that at least one member of My fetish group is very shy about overt sex acts like blow jobs and any kind of penetration. So remember, what you *think* someone is into might be VERY different from the reality of that individual’s private sex urges and desires.
This was inspired by this question:
Is it unusual for a man to want his girlfriend to use a strapon on him? …… ((his question and comment continues and we’ll get to that in another post *wink*)).
Let’s talk about this and other kinky fantasies next. I’ll answer your questions and his question in the coming posts. What are your thoughts/questions/comments so far? As always, I look forward to the conversation with YOU!
NEW IM: EnchantrixOlivia
Thought provoking as ever, Olivia!
“Normal” is one of those really vague words that isn’t very useful without a specific context. Off the top of my head I can think of at least three relevant benchmarks worth considering.
First would be “normal” as average. Is a particular fetish or fantasy something shared by a significant amount of people, or really unique? Coerced cocksucking seems intriguingly common, yet something else might not be… like I don’t know… getting a sexual charge from being stung by bees :-p
Second would be “normal” as considered appropriate or socially acceptable by your peers. Answers would vary widely, and have as much to do with how you feel about yourself as it does about how others view you, and even that depends on who the “others” are.
Third, and in my mind the most serious, would be consequences and is your kink harmless or not? While I am all for unclusion and understanding, if your kink hurts other people, you probably need to keep it consigned to pure fantasy or take a hard look at it and decide what really is best.
So as not to end entirely on a downer, this question is further complicated by things like erotic humiliation. I think as many people who ask the “Am I normal?” question /want/ to hear “No you are not” as there are those who want to hear “Yes you are.”
I am one of the 2/3’s that thinks my fantasies are normal, but unfortunately my girlfriends have all been in the other 1/3 who think my fantasies are not normal. I get worried that I won’t be able to find a woman who enjoys these things and wants to explore new things sexually. It takes a long time in a relationship to get comfortable enough to share these secrets. So Mistress Oliva…I read the part about not assuming something based on appearances or not to judge a book by it’s cover…so are you saying I should hit up ChristianSingles.com for my next girlfriend? lol
~laughs~ I loved your comment Matty! Thank you for posting!
Actually, all kidding aside I get a lot of phone sex calls by people who *present* one way in public or in a *mainstream* relationship. In fact, the religious ones call the sexual play on the phone *sin management* so you might not be far wrong on your choice of dating site! NOW, I don’t know about the women on that site so you might be barking up the wrong tree there ~laughs~ but I can tell you that men have this whole amazing sexual *thing* going on underneath and hidden. I actually find that very arousing and enticing.
Ah, My heart did go out to you about the disparity of what you think about your sexual fantasies and then the reality of what has happened to you when you try to share them with another. I don’t have an *answer* for that but we do talk about it a great deal here on this blog. It’s the dilemma of getting close enough to someone to disclose things that make you vulnerable …. THAT is real intimacy …. but then it’s risky because you might get shut down and hurt. Maybe that’s one of the essential human journey’s …. how to get CLOSE and yet stay safety protected.
That is an advantage of phone sex…..we offer the opportunity for close intimacy and/or fantasy exploration in a safe area. The disadvantage (to you) is that you pay for the time of Mistress but the advantage is that you can actually *get* what you want. Personally, I think the cost you pay with a *civilian* is much higher but that’s something each individual sorts out for himself.
THANK YOU for posting your comment and welcome to our blog comment community.
“Is it unusual for a man to want his girlfriend to use a strapon on him?”
Ms. Olivia, this has so many levels that could be parsed that it staggers me a bit. So i’ve got to set one definition in my mind, before i try. i’m going to presuppose the usual/unusual cutoff is 51%/49% right from the start, which may or not be generous.
then i have to think about the sample demographic. if we’re talking about all males, i’d say its highly unusual, simply because i would imagine a demographic breakdown that has to acknowledge that, at a minimum, the simple majority of global males are absolutely ignorant of the existence of “strap-ons.” even if You constrain the sampling population to 1st & 2nd world males, in general, it is probably still unusual for much the same reason. if i am at all representative of any segment of the population, i have to confess that i was absolutely ignorant of the existence of “strap-on’s” for close to a full 3/4ths of my life. so let’s settle on a sample population that is aware of the existence of such a….toy.
even within this population, there is likely to be close to a 50/50 break between those who would be favorably predisposed toward having a strap-on used on them….at all. this is a pretty fungible breakout….sort of like the electorate…as one segment would cower at the thought, one segment’s imagination would trip right off the scale, and the remaining segment’s interest may vary with who may be wearing said strapon….ranging say from Mama Cass Elliot to Cindy Crawford.
if You just take the last two groups, i think there’s one other tripwire to be considered. given the minefield of the male mind, it may depend on how an individual male has managed to reconcile the Madonna/whore dichotomy. for males who struggle with this, its highly unlikely that they could want their wife or girlfriend to use a strap-on, even if being on the receiving end of a strap-on is a powerful fantasy.
ergo, while i would consider such strap-on play the height of eroticism, the apex of power exchange, and a profoundly useful tool for furthering intimacy for a couple, i would think the answer to Your question is…
~laughs~ coffeeboy that’s such a wonderful and scientific ‘analysis’ of the question of whether a strapon fantasy is normal or not. I can tell you that on phone sex calls, the strapon fantasy is VERY popular but that might be because the ‘sample group’ that calls Me is self selecting for that fantasy! *wink*
Your comment got Me fantasizing about the poster session for this type of research. Can you imagine? Are YOU laughing now? I sure am!
Thank you so much for always being quirky …. I appreciate it and enjoy how I get ‘spun off’ into My own quirkiness with your comments!
I accept that one of the main things that turns me on is both getting spanked and spanking someone. I see that it’s not hugely uncommon, but I think I’m into it more than most people. I am also blessed with a partner who knows about my taste, indulges me, and enjoys (although maybe not as much as me). But even after all that there are times when I don’t bring it up, or do it because I think maybe she wants a break from it, and I don’t want to her to think it’s that or nothing with me.
As for other fantasies. I fantasize about being taken by a women with a strapon, I don’t typically mention it. I do get turned on my coeraced cum eating, and although I’ve even done it with my wife in some ways I am reluctant to bring it up because I don’t want her to think I’m “weird”. But also, I’m not sure I wnat our relationship to move that way. So I do bring it up to mistresses, and there is a level of embarrassment that goes along with it, but I think that is part of the turn on.
So what’s normal? Everyone in the world is a perfectly normal them, nothing strange about anyone, because no one is the same.
*nods* @ wellspanked …. I think you’ve hit on something. ~laughs~ Oh wait, that wasn’t intended to be a pun but now that I see it, it’s funny!
I hear that a lot on phone sex calls …. someone calls Me because they want something other than they’re getting with their primary sexual relationship. Often, it’s as you said, they don’t want the primary relationship to *move* in a certain way or because they want something occasionally but don’t want to do that (your example of coerced cum eating) with a partner. Sometimes it’s about risk, trust and intimacy. Sometimes it’s just because he’s feeling especially sexually freaky and doesn’t think of his partner as a ‘freak participant’. Does that ring true for you?
I totally agree with you that everyone is different and can’t be compared to some arbitrary standard of ‘normal’ ….I’ll actually take that a step farther and say that My experience shows that a man tends to have what is normal sexual fantasies for the vast majority of time and then wants (sometimes) an extra naughty kink. I do think it is important to remember that we are WHOLE people and, as such, are DIVERSE even within our own self.
Woman on top. Lights left on. Cinemax After Dark.
I proudly own my freak flag. All of it.No guilt. Well except for that deal about Jacob from “Twilight” where I’m his werewolf stepmom and…well… working thru that one. It’s complicated, especially when Edward gets get involved.
Most people can probably create a safe harbor in their mind where they are cool with their fantasies/desires. Where the rubber/leather/pvc/latex type product hits the road is actually sharing them with someone else.
That can be like going from T-Ball to stepping in against Justin Verlander. 97 Mph. High and tight. Nowhere to hide.
How’s your comfort level then?
In business, I always tell my people “1.3” when a deal goes south.
1.3 refers to the population of China. There are 1.3 billion people in China who don’t know you or care that you just screwed up so don’t let that stop you from getting the next deal put together. Take chances. Be bold.
Your own cosmic insignificance can actually free you up to do amazing things. We assume people are looking at us, judging us, when most of the time they don’t know or care we exist. There’s a freedom in that to explore and grow. We expend so much emotional capital on other people we cripple ourselves from reaching our full potential.
Of course like most Pseudo Zen Business BS, I don’t actually use it in my personal life. Business is way easier than relationships.
:: giggles ::
John, you just plain TICKLE Me !!!
As a baseball fan, I loved your visual image of going from T-ball to a fastball from a pitcher with good stuff. Yeah baby, nowhere to hide is right! As an aside, I went to baseball mecca this summer — The Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. There was a batting site right next to Doubleday Field (*swoons*) …. I thought about taking a turn with a 50 – 60 mph pitch and then realized that even a pitch that was 50% off the MLB fastball would be totally SCARY! I didn’t buy time in the batting cage. I wonder if that is sort of what happens to the guys who IM lots but never do a phone sex call. ((I’m not clueless, I know some jerk and leave; that goes with the territory ~laughs~)). But, I wonder about the intimidation factor. Thinking about it in those terms, I’m curious about whether I should be doing more X-rated erotic audios. Not the free erotic audios on our tease sites like Tease Mania and Get Girle but the ones like the ones I have have in our X-rated audio store. What do you think? Is that a way to be *bold* but in an even less risky way then a call? ((I digressed but I would love your opinion about this because I know you do calls and audios AND you’re emotionally articulate).
I TOTALLY agree with you about the pseudo zen business stuff……oh baby, it’s ONE THING to be bold in business and another thing entirely to be bold and use the 1:3 in intimate, personal relationships! OH MAN you are SO RIGHT! Happens to Me too sweetie…….really! I think this is something that human beings struggle with….after all, the people who genuinely don’t care about the opinions/actions/etc of others are called something like, …. wait for it ….. sociopaths! If you EVER find a solution, damn, tell Me! Until then, we’ll just muddle along with kinky kindness and a sense of humor ((which you have to know I ADORE about you!)).
Hi MsOlivia! (Waves)
While there are a number of definitions for “normal” I think the one that fits what most people think of when wondering is something is normal would be:
conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern
So, as I’ve said on the poll, no, no my fantasies are not “normal”. But so what? I like something that is not generally liked by the public. But it’s what I like. I don’t really know why I like it, but then I don’t know why others like raspberries (I don’t) or salmon (again, yuck). Here’s the thing though. I think a lot of people associate being not normal with being wrong or bad and that’s not the case. We just like what we like and as long as we’re not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, then what’s wrong with that?
Also, I had said something about how do we really know what others around are thinking too? (I’m pleased to note that others have said the same thing.) In this day and age, with sexual harassment always a threat (unless one is lucky enough to work for LDW, that is. 🙂 ) so it’s not acceptable to speak of things like that at work. So, how would I really know? Maybe the guy in the office next to mine enjoys sexy feet as much as I do or is wearing panties or gets his ass spanked. Maybe our fetishes are more common that we realize and although EE and the internet in general has made us aware that we’re not alone, we still don’t really know just how not alone we are and probably never will.
magnus! THANK YOU for that comment…….wow, you’ve put this into a fantastic metaphor for Me.
You must be able to tell that I am VERY VISUAL and reading your comment caused Me to visually recall various dining out experiences through the years when My dinner partner was INSISTING that I really *should* eat something that I didn’t don’t like or didn’t feel like at that moment. Sometimes this is a manipulation technique (conscious or unconscious) and calls up the “But EVERYONE eats or drinks such and such …) The implication being I’m outside of “normal” because I don’t want that (and am abnormal *bad* by not behaving normally)
That’s probably an inherent and unconscious part of being human….the desire to BELONG …. and that is juxtaposed with the human need (and in the US, cultural history) for individual expression.
I think it’s probably also *normal* to want others to participate in what you’re wanting to participate in. I have gotten this type of behavior on requests for phone sex calls that I consider unethical/unsafe edge play that I won’t do. In fact, I had one guy IMing Me who got quite cranky about My saying NO to what he wanted. He said, but I’ve called other services and gotten that. I told him great, call them back, you’re not going to get that here. I heard from him later … he did find someone who would give him what he wanted …. he took his fantasy into real life. He told Me later, he should have listened — his whole life blew up. The upside is that part of his sexual turn on is *regret* …. so I do hope he’s getting SOME level of pleasure regretting the loss of his marriage, job, income, savings, etc. As an individual HE is experiencing his life as he is designing it. ME (as a conscious individual) will not be the provider of real life edge play that causes real regret….I don’t want that type of energy on My karma (I’m sure it would decrease My ability to come back as a pampered cat! Oh wait, I’m already a pampered pussy, I’ll have to pick another choice for My reincarnation. *snicker*)
Back to the guy who IMs Me. Is he outside of *normal* in our kinky world? I actually don’t think so. Erotic humiliation, shame, regret, etc are very stimulating and powerful emotions when artfully used sexually. Like most things, when you want something that is extreme outside of the *norm* of safe, sane & consensual kink …. be VERY careful who you do it with. I do edge play on the phone that is INTENSE but self contained in the phone call (and your memories).
DAMN magnus you are the inspiration for LOTS of digressing! ~laughs~ I do SO enjoy you!
I think we’ve spoken about fantasies and all, and they’re wonderful, but I do agree that people should think things through. I admit to having fantasies I would love to try, and some I would never want to do in real life. Whatever the fantasy though, there’s a reason that SSC is talked about so much. It is important! So I’m sorry he ruined his life but it’s because he didn’t think things through and that’s a shame.
Oh and I so enjoy You too, MsOlivia!
WHAT WHAT WHAT? *wink* Do tell magnus, what are your inner secrets that you would love to try but haven’t. OH and I would dearly LOVE to know the ones that you’d never want to try but are still fantasies! YUMMY ! *peering inside magnus, while tickling your balls with My toes* Laughs……see? It doesn’t even have to be on a phone sex call, I can GET the scoop! *wink*
Tickling *any* part of me with Your toes will get You anything You like, MsOlivia. 🙂
OK, here’s a good example. I do have an abduction fantasy. I get rather ummm aroused by the idea of some beautiful woman drugging me and having me wake up naked chained to a wall in her dungeon. Perhaps I am gagged or now locked in a chastity device or something like that and she’d be there, now clad in leather and spike heels informing me of my new position in life as her slave. (And possibly even tattooing that on my ass. 😉 )
In fantasy, I think that’s delicious. In reality, well not so much. First, kidnapping is a federal offense. Holding someone against their will. Illegal use of drugs. The charge pile up. Now, okay, maybe some parts of that could be done in a play scene. Sure, though the drug part is right out and any use of such I think is irresponsible and dangerous.
*nods* you are so right magnus…….To actually DO that fantasy is a no no. I LOVE hearing about your fantasy though! THANK YOU ! 🙂
AND, that’s where experience comes in.
I’m thinking of how I would handle the tattoo on your ass. I’d use a sharpie fine point…..I’ve had callers write on their own body while we do a phone sex call and when they’re in an intense head space, it totally works!
I love the fantasy that is total fantasy because it does allow Me to do all sorts of things that are either dumb/dangerous in real life or not immediately possible!
Regarding audios, I listened to your latest offering and it was awesome. Actually Small Penis Humiliation isn’t really my thing so every time you used the word “tiny” I just mentally substituted the phrase “Awe-Inspiringly Ginormous Anaconda” and it worked out really well. You made me feel pretty damn good about myself Ms. O. Pretty damn good indeed. Thank you.
I think making more audios available for sale would be great. Audios and calls each have advantages. Calls are spontaneous and always different. Audios have better sound quality and are always there to revisit. I mean who listens to their favorite album just ounce? They can also increase one’s comfort level in deciding to make a call.
Also the custom audios LDW produces are well worth the money. It’s just your own specific erotic triggers exactly as you want them, so the results can be spectacular.
~laughs~ Dear John, I’m obviously in a playful and very frisky mood….since you always make Me laugh ….. here’s an audio that I hope makes YOU laugh:
The Awe-Inspiring Ginormous Anaconda.
Now, your point about the X-rated audios for sale is well taken. And, I’ll be doing a bunch, I’ve got an idea for several series audios that can stand alone or be listened in series. THANK YOU so much for your kind words about LDW quality …. as you can see, I don’t take Myself tediously seriously….but I sure do take that anaconda seriously! And WHO WOULDN’T? ~laughs~ I’ve got the giggles now and it’s your fault!
Thanks! My own audio. How cool is that? Kind of like the super popular head cheerleader saying hi to you in the hallway. And it’s the perfect example of why you should do more audios and put them up for sale. Witty, sexy, smart and very creative.
Obviously most people will still want to call in but audios could be an option for people who want to start in the shallow end of the kinky pool.
I know I tend to suck at phone sex. Mostly stammering and talking about the weather. But I will tell anyone who is thinking about calling it’s like riding the roller coaster. A bit scary at first, but as long as you aren’t pregnant, don’t have a heart condition, are at least 48 inches tall and keep your hands in the ride at all times, you’ll have a great time at LDW.
And I’m not sure the height requirement is all that strictly enforced.
awwwwww……thank you dear John!
BTW, there’s no height requirement for a phone sex call. On the Giantess calls I shrink a dear man down to inches. In fact, one man got so small the call ended up being about what it was like for him to be perched on My dendrite right in the pathway of every single electrical …. *ahem* …. stimulation going on from My synapses. *nods* Yes, even My synapses are sexy! And, you have correctly articulated it was QUITE the thrill ride! ~grinz~
I also heartily disagree with you about your call quality. You are DELIGHTFUL …. funny, smart, interesting, sexy and hearing your breathing change when I do something extra *interesting* well, that is like catnip to Me! You’re a *keeper.*
All that said, I am going to do those audios and put them in the store …. it’s like the fall television lineup …. exciting to anticipate only WETTER. ~laughs~
One of the things I like about EE is the connection. And reading some of the posts from John, Magnus, and others, how they feel about Ms. Olivia…and how she feels about them…it’s just really nice to see.
Awwwwww………thank you Matty! There really IS a community of people on Enchantrix Empire and here on My blog comments section that is a true COMMUNITY! Now, we might have come into each others’ lives because of phone sex but we talk about all sorts of stuff! I love waking up for blog comments!……I love our community here!