One caller has this question: Do I think I’m cheating by calling or texting the Mistresses?
I hear that question from many men who want to call for phone sex and even from the men who currently use erotic conversation as a generally kinky or specific sex fantasy outlet. I’m going to talk about My thoughts on that and, as always, ask for YOUR COMMENTS.
What do YOU think? Is phone sex cheating?
I’ve created a poll asking that specific question on our adult networking site Enchantrix Empire. This poll will also have space for comments and I’ll post the poll results here on My blog in a couple of days. I want you to leave comments here to get the conversation going.
Is phone sex a solution to a no win situation in your life?
As you leave your comments and questions, I’d like you to consider something. The majority of the men who call this Experienced Mistress are married or in a committed / steady relationship. Many men say that their wife or girlfriend doesn’t understand or even know about their sex secrets.
According to My recent poll, post and your comments on Handling your sex secrets men talk about how they have been shot down when they’ve tried to talk about their erotic or kinky desires. This is especially the case with men who are closet crossdressers and sissies.
If you can’t get what you want sexually, what do you do?
Do you give up that level of sexual arousal for the sake of the relationship on your partner’s terms? On that note: Should your wife or girlfriend get to dictate what YOU do sexually? Even if you want to give your partner what she wants you to do (ie stop thinking about your fetish) can you just ‘stop’?
When sex at home is non-existent or lacking
What do you do when, for whatever reason, you don’t get sex at home? Maybe your wife of many years has zero sex drive. Maybe she has sexual hangups of her own that preclude an open conversation about erotic needs of both of you.
Or, maybe you get sex but your partner doesn’t get into the sexual kinks that you do. What are your options? You could have a real life affair with all the risks involved with that OR you could have an outlet like phone sex which I know is much safer for you! One caller refers to phone sex as ‘sin management.’
When you can’t talk about your kinky needs
This is particularly true with something like cuckolding.
Call Olivia@ 1-800-601-6975
Men with the cuckold fantasy have pointed out here that cuckolding your husband means the woman will have to get her head around sleeping with another man. Maybe she really wants a different cock or a bigger dick or maybe she has her own fantasies about her man sucking cock for Mistress. Maybe your partner is equally shy about telling YOU about the kinky stuff she thinks about!
Now, do YOU think that phone sex is cheating?
I’ll answer all your comments here and I’m really looking forward to reading what you have to say.
Ms Olivia
This is I believe a veritable minefield.
There are a number of pitfalls, the first of which is that there are two people in a relationship (let’s assume Husband and Wife for sake of discussion, but there are many permutations). Do they both have a common understanding of what “cheating” entails? Or are we into the weeds with Bill Clinton-esque quibbling over the definition of “Is?”
I think that up until very recently most people would not consider this “cheating” because most people would have said that if you don’t have two people in the same room at the same time, how the hell are they going to have sex? :-p
But, shifting social norms on open and expressed sexuality cut both ways, and there has been a lot of talk recently about “Emotional Infidelity” – a notion that emotional intimacy with other people can be inherently bad. A simple Google search search will yield 279,000 hits… maybe not a huge number, but it seems to be an emerging concept.
Now, I do not necessarily believe that is always bad, or that phone sex would always fall under that umbrella. But I do believe it is something to be mindful of, and it is a tricky needle to thread.
Nicholas, you have once again articulated the nuances of the issue! I look forward to your posts like you would not believe. I love the depth and the wordplay!
On the topic of emotional infidelity I’m going to differ slightly from Ms Constance’s comment on the Cheating Poll on EE. I DO think that it’s possible to get into an emotionally intimate relationship with a phone sex Mistress when you do calls over time with the same person AND things other than the sex fantasy. It’s a deepening friendship touched with eroticism that can’t help but touch you both.
I personally am FINE with the emotional intimacy with Me when the caller wants that. But, I have very clear phone sex boundaries that I have articulated on this blog and that I talk about directly to callers if they start to get into the ‘danger zone.’ By danger zone in this context I mean, when they start comparing Me to their wife or girlfriend and saying, I want you Mistress. If someone starts to cross My limits, they do get a conversation. Because I’m very clear with My own personal boundaries of the relationship, I don’t get callers who are inappropriate with Me.
I’ve actually ended up helping with relationships and giving sexual / emotional advice about how to interact with real life partners! Now, isn’t that the irony? But, it’s true. Men DO need to talk with someone and this is a safe haven.
@ adev …. well put! Ms Ally also posted a comment on the poll in Enchantrix Empire where She said that this is something for the people IN the relationship to talk about and work out within the relationship. I agree with you both AND the whole sex conversation can be uncomfortable and off limits for most couples. That’s sad. Maybe because I’m a phone sex artist and I have erotic conversations all day, I’m totally comfortable with talking realistically about kink, fetish, masturbation, sexy adventures and erotic fantasies. I had the sex talk with My guy WAAAYYYY before getting emotionally serious and we know what constitutes what works for us.
THANK YOU for your kind words and for reading and then posting a thoughtful comment!
Now, WHERE did you get that cute outfit the other day? LOL
This is definitely a sensitive issue, and one that hits home for me in
particular. Ask 100 people and you’re likely to get close to 100 different
answers. Our feelings on the topic are shaped by our individual experiences –
modeled after the behavior our parents displayed when we were children and
solidified as we grew into adulthood.
Some of us are in unique situations – we lead happy lives and are fulfilled in
every way but one. And that one area…well, it happens to be a touchy subject
that is frowned upon by most people. Who do we turn to? Who can we discuss it
with? Where can we get the support and encouragement we need? It’s very
unlikely to come from your traditional support network…
In these cases – especially for sissies and other men who engage in behavior that’s considered to be taboo for ‘real men’ – we’re lucky to have the OPTION to talk with seemingly nice people who understand where we’re coming from. Is it really much different from talking to a therapist in an office? In some ways it is…but in many ways it’s
quite similar.
Well put sissy caroline!
I do consider that the role of therapist is, perhaps, the closest profession to what a Mistress here does. I haven’t been associated with another phone sex company but I can tell you that the LDW Group Mistresses are more than ‘seemingly’ nice to clients. Despite the rigorous interview process, IF a Mistress is approved for LDW association and she isn’t ‘real’ about the standards we have here, then she never lasts. We’re not kidding about really caring about YOU. We actually and really DO enjoy you! If we didn’t we couldn’t be here. That, like the sex fetish knowledge, is at a minimum. The Mistresses I know ALL do more.
I’ll give some specific examples … one caller got sick and a Mistress organized a group get well from the Mistress of LDW. Another caller had a specific issue and the Mistress researched a solution and sent it to him. Both examples took place outside of calls.
You are NOT alone in wanting and needing an outlet that you don’t get in your real life. Maybe you’re an Alpha Male in real life – then perhaps being a submissive sissy is almost like a VACATION and it’s a vacation with a happy ending! LOL.
I know that posting this comment here in public is a big step for you caroline and I’m proud of you! How do you FEEL?
Well, since I am single again, and back to going on dates, no I would not say that phone sex is cheating.
Now for most, anything of a sexual nature not done with one’s partner is cheating. That’s how it was in my last relationship, which was alittle one sided as it was.
However, in my oppinion if it is something your real life partner is un-willing to explore, it is kept in the realm of fantasy and not used or pushed in your partners face so to speak then I really do not see the harm.
While most of us have a relationship with our mistress and or making new relationships with new mistress’s. It is not being brought into real life. To give an example, you Ms Olivia and I have a really hott roleplay going on ( roles do not matter for this example), it is not going to carry over into real life because we will never meet in person. So in the realm of fantasy it stays. Everyone has a fantasy, some have more than one. It comes down to how one deals with that fantasy, do they keep it to themselves unable to explore it fully, or do they pick up the phone and explore it with someone who is willing to explore it with them. But I am not to sure I would call it Cheating.
@ Paul …. I’m with you on your comment:
“However, in my oppinion if it is something your real life partner is un-willing to explore, it is kept in the realm of fantasy and not used or pushed in your partners face so to speak then I really do not see the harm.”
Many phone sex callers tell Me about their relationship with their real life partner. Some are in marriages that are …. ummmm, interesting. Some have a real and genuine love for their partner but the sex just isn’t there or he has a higher sex drive then she does.
While it would be fantastic if every couple could talk about needs, desires and expectations in an open and rational way that’s the exception not the norm. Some couples even adopt the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ mode and then use the term cheating when angry.
Personally I’m all for articulating the ‘rules of play’ of any relationship so each person is clear on limits, expectations and how to successfully live in the relationship. As you mentioned one of the limits I clearly articulate in doing phone sex is that it is NOT dating and I don’t meet in real life.
THANK YOU for leaving this well thought out comment!
i want to say no it is not cheating. But then again Phone sex is very mental. Also phone sex is the best sex i have ever experience. That is cause sex is 90% mental. So by that standard phone sex is cheating but i don’t think it really is cause i don’t think we would do some of it (present company excluded) in reality.
@ toy …. you know what they say …. The single most erotic area of a man’s body is the BRAIN …. the other, lower, head isn’t too shabby either! LOL
Phone sex is perfect for that!
Well…I was feeling OK but now I’m blushing.
LOL sissy caroline….tell us: Why are you blushing?
Because I’ve never done anything publicly as my sissy self, Mistress. You know that…
@ sissy caroline …. and now you have precious. That’s why Mistress had you SAY IT.
*chuckle*
You’re a deliciously gullible sissy and I like that !
Gulp…
EXACTLY sweet caroline … !!!
Its not cheating!!!!!If your girlfriend or wife isnt into to desires & fetishes its time to end relationship!!!Thats why i single with no intentions of ever getting married or having girlfriend.
Thanks for writing peter!
Sometimes it is not so easy ending a relationship or, especially, a marriage. Most people will not end a marriage just because a sexual fetish isn’t reciprocated (especially if it wasn’t present or admitted before the marriage).
It is much better to learn about and negotiate those things before getting serious 🙂
No I don’t believe Phone Sex is cheating. I think everyone needs look at a couple things. There is no sexual touching involved on the phone. No groping, penetration, or anything physical. How many men have been groped or touched sexually when out at a bar or club? I know I have. Hell I’ve had random hot chicks come up to me and kiss me on the mouth from out of nowhere in different clubs before. I know my girl would probably much rather me have phone fun, than have women say sexual things to me randomly out in public or physically touch me in an unappropriate manner. This is 2011. Too many people overreact to something as innocent as phone sex. In fact, your mistress may even be able to make your real sex life with your partner better!
Hiya Juiced …. thought of you during my gym rat time today 🙂
You bring up an interesting point about the difference in ages! I don’t see 30 or 40 year old women behaving like you describe …. but I can see that perhaps with a 20-something girl drinking in a wild club scene.
So, how these things are thought of depends on age, social mores, status of ability to have frank conversations in your current partnership.
My short and simple response: is it outright cheating? No. Is it dishonest (in most cases…I know men here who call with their partner’s knowledge, if not their actual approval)? Yes. I think what hurts people most about cheating is the dishonesty usually involved in it, especially an ongoing affair, so I’m not sure that it matters whether you differentiate cheating and lying in most cases. I know when I had a partner who had an obsession with porn he was hiding from me, I wasn’t angry about the porn at all; I was angry about the lying and hiding and hurt that he didn’t feel he could be open about it (I know guys need their “guy time” and it often involves porn they don’t share…but the particulars of our situation were a little bit different).
@ Nicole … I can see the point you’re making…and in an ideal world, everyone would be upfront about things. BUT … I do think it’s sometimes hard to BE totally honest with someone if you have kinks or fetish sex desires that you don’t feel comfortable talking about with that person.
THEN, is turning to phone sex cheating?
What if your partner uses sex as a *weapon* in the relationship or withholds sex or affection because of fights.
What if the two partners really don’t connect much at all but are staying married for *other* reasons?
THEN is it cheating?
MY thought is that it’s about agreements in the relationship but I’ve noticed that most callers didn’t have the *how do you feel about phone sex* talk before they got married! LOL
If the relationship itself has gotten to the point that it’s all tangled with kind of icky stuff and one person doesn’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with the other … then, I don’t think it’s cheating. If the partner finds out and stays mad there is probably something else also going on that is damaging the relationship.
Hi Ms Olivia, so I’ve thought about this myself and my answer would be “no, but…”. I think the quick and dirty answer (mm, dirty 🙂 would be unless the people are physically touching one another, it’s not cheating. Clinton did indeed have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinski. Talking on the phone or cybering, especially in a more fantasy environment is creating something in one’s head only, in some ways like writing mutual porn.
But I added a but for several reasons. First, I know that not everyone agrees with me, and that’s fine. (Hell, some people think masturbating is cheating.) But also, there is more than one person involved in such a situation. Would the other person still feel hurt if one were to have phone sex? You brought up the topic of some women feeling inadequate. Would the need to go elsewhere only exacerbate that? Especially if the destination is someone who’s an expert in fulfilling fantasies? I don’t think it’s a good idea to hurt others’ feelings in order for one to explore their own fantasies even if it’s not cheating.
You asked very good questions about what to do if one’s own needs are not fulfilled in their relationship and that’s also a deep question. There are several things one can do, I would think. The first is to repress those feelings. Is it a good remedy? Probably no, but in my case anyway, while I have kinks and fetishes, I do not define myself exclusively by them. I am so much more in ways that You pointed out that You were and we all are. There are other things in life to enjoy. Another thing could be to just enjoy porn showing your fetishes. This might be an acceptable replacement and offer a decent avenue for exploring different fetishes since there does seem to be easy access to just about everything these days. Something I’ve done (as you well know – grin) is to use talents to create things used in fetishes, whether those are shown or not. In fact, I’ve made things for a friend of mine so I can live through her vicariously for what she does with them. So there are other options as well in addition to phone sex.
I think I’ve rambled a bit as I tend to do to your wonderful posts. 🙂 But I hope this makes people think of other things too.
Hi magnus, I love your thoughtful replies !!! You are a good read and you always make Me think.
Couple of things:
I actually know a guy who HAD a girlfriend who told him that masturbation is cheating and watching porn is even worse. WOAH!
You mentioned that you don’t define yourself by your kinks and fetishes…I think THAT is the more common (and healthy) relationship to erotic desires. I’m not Mistress all the time LOL. *snicker* When at the gym our trainer is the Mistress and a strict one at that ! LOL (Ally and I have sessions together…..wouldn’t you just LOVE to witness THAT!)
I’d be very curious about other readers …. in fact, might be a fantastic blog post….Do your fetish fantasies define you as a person? And, does what you do via phone sex say anything about who you are in real life?
ohhhhh…..great idea…..thanks for the inspiration magnus.
I think it all depends on how your partner feels or what you are doing on the call itself. I did a couple calls that I had won while I was involved in a relationship and both calls just involved roleplay with me being humiliated and feminized by the mistress. After my relationship ended I did more with my calls I appeared on cam in front of the mistresses while naked or I changed into something and the mistress got to see me naked where during my relationship I wouldnt allow myself to appear naked in front of another woman just because I didnt want to do that to my gf. Now some partners may not mind roleplaying (my gf at that time didnt mind the roleplay) others might not mind the nudity (mine never stated if she approved or not) but others may or may not have problems with some phone sex calls so I think it all depends on how you think your partner might feel. Before we had a falling out with a completely different issue my gf knew the ladies of LDW and soemtimes even hung out in chat but I know not all other people will be as lucky. As difficult as it might be to make a person has to make their own decsion on if they should call based on how they feel about doing a certain kind of call during thier relationship or how they think their partner would react. Great topic Ms. Olivia =D
WOW….evil penguin! I’m VERY curious…..would you be willing to tell us more about how you broached the subject of phone sex calls with your girlfriend?
Like you I *negotiate* the whole sexual aspect of the relationship because I think that’s an important conversation to have. I don’t want to possibly settle for half measures in terms of all aspects of My life … and kinky sex or fetish sex or even all sorts of sexual experimentation is a part of who I am as a whole person.
So …. how did you have that conversation? Did you bring it up? Did she? What happened?
You’re comment about cuckold fantasies is spot on. For most, it would be difficult or impossible to even broach the subject. For a lot of wives, having their husband ask them to be with another man, would signal, in her mind, that he doesnt love her. Clearly not true of a true cuckold, but feelings aren’t always logical. So bringing it up might cause a riff or worse in their relationship.
Also, many men would fear in confessing their submissive side, that they would face rejection or misunderstanding from their partner. Especially concerning cuckolding and related kinks, but also for most fetishes, I imagine.
So I agree with you Ms Olivia, role play and talking about cuckold fantasies does, I think, provide a healthy and safe outlet to avoid having these fetishes and desires linger unsatisfied.
Dear DC Mike, thank you so much for My lil birthday connect this morning. 🙂 *wink*
Thank you also for your great comment!
I think you’re right…..the cuckolding fantasy IS one that is difficult to bring up with a wife …. perhaps more than most other kinks and fetishes. First, because (as you pointed out) she has sex with a man other than you. But, also where some of the cuckold fetish stuff comes in … ie creampie eating, sucking cock, fluffing, chastity and orgasm denial, etc. There are so many variations of being a cuckold husband to a hot wife.
It CAN be a minefield emotionally. Many cuckolds worry, what if she falls in love with HIM. There is the worry that what is a sexual fantasy or fetish can turn into a real life affair and ruin the relationship between the the cuckolding couple. I personally think all these are valid concerns. And, as always, when in doubt err on the cautious side! Phone sex is the perfect outlet for that!!!
Well, interesting topic for sure for you…but you are more than qualified to talk on it Ms. Olivia. ;).
As a man, I can say I have vacillated from time to time on the “cheating” portion. Sometimes guilt sets in and other times a smile is born. It depends on the totality of the moment. I know that sounds like “situational ethics” but the reality is that we all change every day.
It’s kind of like the comments made about relationships and talking about your fantasies and fears with your partner. The comments make it seem like these fantasies are always there and should be dealt with before entering a relationship. The reality is many of those things develop over time as we all grow and mature as a couple and sexually. Timing is everything and we all must adapt in a relationship if it is going to work.
Is it hard to talk fantasies with your mate? The answer is NOT in the phone sex. I agree with Ms. Ally. The couple should be able to be open. If that’s an issue then that’s a MUCH bigger issue than phone sex or cheating or anything else.
Now, all that said…the answer to the question of is it cheating? Yes…and no (just not at the same time). It IS cheating if there is the dishonesty and inability to talk about sexual things with your partner. To me you need to at least deal with the issue that causes that lack of communication before branching out to something like phone sex. Also, the answer is no. If the relationship is strong and you can talk about needs and safe ways to express yourself…like through phone sex…then it’s not cheating at all. It becomes more therapy than sex.
Lastly, the comments have been made about emotional connections with mistresses just like Olivia. They are real and in some cases (;) they become trusted friendships that can not be explained or even truly appreciated until it happens to you. I think there are some mistresses who distance themselves and are just about the job. There will be no relationship there. However, there are the rare ones…like Ms. Olivia…who are not afraid to crack the door a little and be a person who is more than just a sexy voice on the phone. For that Ms. Olivia…I will always be grateful.
No one…and I mean NO ONE…plays high notes like THE LIP
@ The Lip …. NO ONE has LIPS like the Lip! 🙂
What a fantastic comment! Thank you so much for taking your time to post a comment that really moves the conversation forward.
I agree with Ms Ally and you — if having these sorts of conversations is ‘off limits’ with your partner and coming to a compromise that works for you both is unattainable in the relationship then there are USUALLY other things going on. I’ve noticed that the disagreements or clashes all too often end up in the bedroom ….. and the private, intimate stuff in the bedroom can be used against the other in a fight.
Of course, some people just plain won’t TALK about the elephant in the living room. Maybe one partner can and will talk about but, what do you DO if the other refuses to have the conversation? By definition a conversation is with more than just yourself. What to do in THAT case?
Ahhhh…..Lip, I don’t know.
I do know for a fact that you are an AMAZING man !
And I’m totally feel it’s My privilege to get to know you 🙂
Oh yes Ms Olivia, I know all about the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule that happens to come into play in a real life relationship. The real problem with that is it always backfires, and someone gets hurt. Trust me I know from first hand experience.
Now, if couples could have that nice little take about or set “rules of play” like you mentioned, things might be different. Couples would more freely talk about their kinks and explore them together, then again they might not.
Now, Ms Nicole brings up an interesting point. That the part about cheating that hurts the most is the dishonesty, the secrecy and the running around behind your partners back ( again know this first hand ). Exploring ones personal kink on the phone, because your partner is un-willing to explore it with you, or because one is to afraid to voice ones kink, is alittle diffrent. Your not being dishonest, or running around on someone per say. But other than the fact that there is another person on the other end of the phone, helping you explore what ever kink you are interested in, what really is the difference between that and laying in bed with your eyes closed while you imagine what ever scene one wants as you masturbate? None, that I can see…..However I could be wrong.
@ Paul … I wonder what others think … personally I tend to agree with you. TRY and talk things out, see how it goes …. then if you’re partner won’t even *engage* in the conversation it’s probably time to do some soul searching. IF your partner thinks what you’re doing is cheating and finding out would ruin the relationship; is it worth it? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. It depends on circumstances that only the two people can evaluate.
I think phone sex is like masturbating in a virtual reality game. It’s not going to go anywhere except on the phone. I know some might think differently. I do feel strongly that women today at some point need to come to terms with the realistic sexual needs of men. Phone sex can be an ideal solution.
Ms Olivia to go a tad bit further on how phone sex came up with my ex gf I let her know when I started dating her that I was friends with the mistresses here and that I had done a little bit of talk about some things i enjoyed sexually that arent “the norm”. She understood that the mistresses here were just friends and couple that with the fact that you cant meet them she was pretty cool with it. Like i said the only thing that was off limits was letting you ladies see me naked because I just felt that while commited not doing that was an unspoken rule. However as you know ms olivia im single now and parading on my webcam naked for you and anyone else who wants to see me lacking clothing 😉
@ Evil Penguin … YES … it is easier to do this at the beginning of the relationship. I think it’s much harder when someone has certain unexplored kinks and fetishes that come out (so to speak) during the relationship. At the beginning it’s much easier to say, hey – this is who I am and I’m going to stay that way. That’s harder to do when, as The Lip pointed out, two people and the relationship evolves over time (which is the nature of human beings in a relationship).
YES…..and can I just say………phone sex cam calls are AMAZING !!!!! And, I LOVE looking at you naked! *snicker* — of course, I want you fully happy but at least for now, I hope to STAY SINGLE! LOL
Ok, after a night of greater reflection, I have answered my own question, about is there really a difference. But the difference is there is no physical contact between say myself and you Ms Olivia, and no chance of that ever happening. You know that and I know that. What transpires is all in our minds and talked about in a fun, safe enviorment. I am still having a hard time making a connection between phone sex and cheating.
I tend to agree with you Paul …. and, some partner’s might not. I’m much more of a blunt person: “get it out in the open” and look for mutual solutions. I don’t hit below the belt when I fight. It doesn’t HAVE to always be *my way* …. but not everyone is like that (women or men) so what also comes into play is the willingness to have an adult conversation about adult topics. LOL or for some couples, the ability to have ANY conversation about erotic and sexual needs of human beings.
I am wondering, since being addicted to Ms Olivia’s feet, and with her seeing how hard I cum from just thinking about being at her feet, how can I get my wife to want me at her feet, and enjoy all benefits that making me her foot slave would bring her? Also-if I become her foot slave in our sex life, will I still be able to be the man in her eyes with the rest of our relationship?
FABULOUS question hootieman! Thank you so much for posting it……I bet a LOT of men call phone sex with the same (or similar questions).
Your particular kink involves being a foot slave. Others might have a different fetish expression of similar submissive desires. So, the common question is…..How do I talk with My partner about My kinky fetish needs.
Actually, since we just talked about that exact topic on text. YOU are going to be My next blog post 🙂
I will (and we will) want to hear what you have to say as you go on this journey of trying to bring your fetish into your real life sex with your partner. THANK YOU so much for your willingness to let others learn while I’m helping you with this normal and common issue!
The partners need to decide and agree on the ground rules, but that’s easier said that done. If a partner makes the needs clearly known and the other declines, that’s easy. But what if the person doesn’t decline, but says they will “work” on it. Let’s say the husband wants more tenderness in the marriage…more kissing and caressing but the wife says she is too tired from work but wants to get to that place. She doesn’t really like to kiss or cuddle, but performs sexually. So he calls a mistress, longing for TLC, but doesn’t have phone sex. Is that cheating?
ahhhh, Dave……thank you so much for posting your question!
I know for a fact that people call phone sex for VARIOUS things — some sexual but many needs are not overtly sexual at all!
I think what we do here can be a connection in many ways!
It’s hard to discuss the intricacies of a marriage that I’m not in …. BUT, I will say, My experience in life, love and Mistress play … I’ve noticed that some people are simply more *attuned* to their partner. Sometimes the partner is ABLE to say what he or she wants and sometimes that need can be difficult to articulate for many reasons. One of the things I find totally frustrating is passive/aggressive behavior …. the verbal answer that says one thing coupled with the actions that say something else. When in doubt, I always look at ACTIONS because actions are the only things that actually move life forward in a tangible way.
Personally…..I can’t separate what you call “performing sexually” from the kissing, caressing and cuddling. I feel for you because if I only have the performance but not the cuddle I wouldn’t stay in the relationship. BUT …. I might stay in a marriage like that for reasons other than connection. Again, it’s a very personal decision and journey on your end.
Have you thought about going to a therapist, counselor or something like PAIRS – which is practical connections between couples.
One of the things about PAIRS that I found most valuable for ME is that when My partner at the time balked at the classes and then refused to do the *homework* the distinctions were still useful for Me. I learned that, for whatever reason, he was unable or unwilling to actually BE a partner with Me. At that point the WHY of why he is the way he is became a moot point. I came to a choice……accept that I wasn’t going to get My needs met in that relationship but still stay with him OR leave. I did leave. But, leaving a relationship is HARD. I’m not advocating that !!!!! We did NOT have kids.
After that relationship I resolved to SAY what I want (even when it’s difficult for Me to say it — I don’t like to criticize someone I care about!) and if any potential partner is unable or unwilling to even connect in a conversation about connections then, it’s time to maybe be friends but NOT lovers.
Does that help?