Olivia 1-800-601-6975
There’s been a lot of reaction to chrissy’s comment about being at a crossdressing crossroads. She wrote to ask the Experienced Mistress for advice about incorporating her crossdressing into the rest of her life. Specifically, chrissy says, ” i know deep down that i need to integrate my kinks into my life, or to somehow move away from them entirely (which i know is impossible).”
Do you want to integrate your kinks in your real life?
Do you, like chrissy, want to integrate your kinks into your life? If so, how far do you want to go? Do you want to simply share your sex secrets with your intimate partner or is it important to you that everyone know about your kinks and sexual fetishes?
I think, chrissy, that you might want to look at your motivations and expectations. Why do you want to share this? Who do you want to share it with? What reaction are you expecting (hoping for)?
Answers to those questions will give you a more of a sense of your own needs and whether those will be (or even CAN be) met by someone other than yourself. I can be a guide in terms of asking you questions but you take this journey of personal growth in a profoundly solo manner. While you are talking about crossdressing, this journey of ‘self-actualization’ is part and parcel of the human existence … for everyone!
Phone sex as an outlet for sex secrets
The blog posts about handling your sex secrets and whether to talk about your kinks with your partner always get a lot of comments …. from you and from Me. I do a fair percentage of My phone sex calls about just this topic.
Natural desire share with an intimate partner
We’ve talked about sharing your sexual kinks with a partner. I’ve posted about a real life situation with a caller as he negotiated his desire to share his foot fetish with his wife. I think it’s natural to want to share your erotic needs. Many people find a perfect outlet in phone sex.
Chrissy wants to go farther and she writes why, “At present it is a secret i keep, even from partners… and have learnt that through non-disclosure of my kinks i am kind of fucking up the honesty of the relationship. The dynamic of the sex in the relationship is founded on a half-truth…which then sort of leaks out into other areas of the relationship”
How important is sex?
The decision about whether to talk about your kinks is an individual one and there are many factors. YOU know your relationship. chrissy obviously wants the kinks known and accepted. ANY conversation about sexual turnons will be …. ahem …. interesting! There is a fantasic video on youtube on this. Go to youtube and do a search for Bette Bentley and you’re looking for the first video, the one that is written and directed by her.
Credibility and kinks
So, let’s talk about the reality of credibility and how people are dressed. When Lady Gaga wore the meat dress, what was your reaction? When you see someone in a dowdy and frumpy dress do you form an opinion of that person? When you see someone who is decked out in an ultra sharp suit and shopping at the grocery store does that person catch your eye? Your mind says something, right? My mind might go, “Wow, that’s a little overdressed for the grocery!”
The human mind is ultra busy with opinions, judgments and blah, blah, blah. So, when chrissy says, “i am trying to work out a way of being at peace with it, and living it at an appropriate level in general life. In other words, i want to live my kinks without losing credibility or becoming a walking freak show at the local mall where i buy my panties… If that makes any sense!” It makes sense chrissy and that’s probably not a realistic expectation for all of society. You’ll be *looked at* just like the folks who dress Goth or any other *out of the mainstream* type of dress.
Judgments about crossdressing
Clothing is contextual and people do make judgments based on clothes. That’s not just with crossdressing. Try wearing ratty jeans and a dirty tee shirt to a Black Baptist Church. Try, wearing a wet suit to the Opera. Try wearing a business suit to a bar in Key West. “Odd” looks are not personal to crossdressing. It’s part of being human.
So, direct answer to chrissy is this….you’re actually asking all the right questions. The answers are inside you and only you can choose who you are in the matter of your own life. The issues of integrity, self-disclosure, honesty with partners (family/friends), ….all of these things are the very issues that human beings grapple with.
I negotiated this, for example, when I made various decisions about who and why I tell that I do phone sex as a career. My family (the adults) know. Close friends know. My guy, obviously, knows. My physician knows. My hairdresser doesn’t. The people I mentor don’t (unless they’re in phone sex LOL!) ANYONE under the age of 18 doesn’t get told. Am I *out of integrity* by not telling everything to everyone? Not to My mind…but, others might disagree. Like I said, these decisions are highly personal.
Comments? More questions? Share your advice for chrissy or stories of how you have negotiated these sorts of issues (not just in the erotic fetish world).
Ms Olivia
I loved the Bette Bentley video. Especially the last scene in the shower. When he finally does it, the look on her face is like he just gave her a dozen roses, and the look on his face is this sheepish grin that says “I just did something good, didn’t I”. It’s had me smiling all afternoon. We humans are very funny creatures 🙂
@ slavemind LOL We humans are just GREAT aren’t we? I love our quirkiness! You’re delightful!
MsOlivia, You make wonderful points about appearance. I was thinking that while it’s an ironic phrase here, the clothes do make the man. People do judge by appearance. Sometimes I think that’s a good thing like with a job interview. Other times, it’s not so good. It’s a fact of life regardless though.
To answer Your question, I’d say I really have not felt the need to try to intregrate my kinks into my everyday life. No desire to shout it from the rooftops as it were. I guess I know who I am, but I don’t think everyone else does. It goes back to my earlier comments about masks for one thing, but also Your point about acceptance and what others think. While I think fetish is more accepted by society than it once was, it’s still mostly taboo. I feel lucky to be able to know people that I can talk to about what I like, including EE here, but I have many friends who would look at me strangely if I pointed out a woman’s sexy feet. So for them, I don’t bring it up and I don’t feel the need to do so.
Now I work in an office environment and as such have had sexual harrassment training up the wazoo. (How not to do it, not how to do it. lol) So talking about anything sexual is inappropriate anyway and could get people in trouble. So really for that part of my life even if I wanted to it would not be a place to discuss the kinky side of myself.
I do think it a bit different with those we are intimate with, and I don’t mean just sexually intimate. Those that close to us might want to know, but I think it needs to be played by ear and Your posts about how to bring a lover into Your kinks is very poignant there. It may be that she just won’t understand and so the question is what to do. Keeping it oneself is an option. So is finding someone else. I don’t consider either option all that appealing or easy but they may be needed. Whatever is decided, I think the one we’re intimate with at least deserves the most consideration about being told, whether they are told in the end or not.
Again, I do wish chrissy all the best in her path.
@ magnus YES !!! I’m in, perhaps, one of the few workplaces where there is no such thing as sexual harassment ! LOL
Yes, the whole issue of who to tell and what to tell is important! One of the things that I’m so grateful for is that I actually HAD to have the kinks conversation with My guy because we had to talk about Me doing phone sex as a career. So, I was very much *pushed* into the conversation of kinks…..it is a natural outgrowth when I started talking about work. Since this is a career I wouldn’t be able to keep it quiet from someone I’m involved with. Still, neither of us talk about My career or our kinks with his family. My family/friends know what I do…..but even there I keep the bedroom (or wherever) private unless there’s some kind of *reason* to disclose it.
But, I FEEL for chrissy (and Jamie Rose and others who are femme) …. This is a SIDE of Me but it’s not the whole or a huge part of Me. I think there’s much more of an issue of when it really IS a huge part of your whole-wholeness!
MsOlivia, You are correct about those where the crossdressing is a major part of their wholeness as You put it. And maybe my model of all fetishes breaks down there although again, not being a crossdresser myself. Which makes me want to digress a bit (as if there is something that doesn’t lol). I brought up the sexual harassment because I had thought about places where even discussing your kinks would be inappropriate (unless one is lucky enough to have Your job, lol). My digression then is for cross dressers, is what they do sexual? And if it isn’t, i.e. it is a part of them, then is their expressing that something that would not be sexual harassment? I know this is kind of rhetorical and not something we can just answer within the confines of Your blog.
Just hanging around the chat room, I often see chatters talk about how they feel sexy or horny dressed up. OK, to each their own, but doesn’t that make that sexual? I would certainly think so. At the same time, we see transgendered issues in the news often, and (from my admittedly limited perspective), the people in the news are those that feel they are the opposite gender and it’s not a sexual thing for them at all. So then should a distinction be made and if so, how? I can’t bring up my fetishes in a work environment, so how could one prove what they do is not sexual? Just some thoughts I have here. I can certainly see HR people pulling their hair out here. 🙂
That’s a great question magnus …. and might become a future blog post! LOL You digress…..I get inspired LOL.
We’ll ask the crossdressers, sissies and TG’s here that read this comment…..What is YOUR answer to magnus’ question?
Ms. Olivia,
I met up with a TS about 4 months ago and she told me to dress girly, so I did. Well since then I have met up another 3 times and every time I went I was dressed up girlier than before. Now, I have not looked at straight porn since the first time we met up. It makes me feel like a total fairy and I love it. My question is is that does this mean something more? Like I “think” Im straight but does the history on my computer prove otherwise? Thank you,
sissyAaron
hi sissyAaron ….. thanks for your comment!
I’m always reluctant to give simplistic answers to complex questions and issues.
When I hear a question like that one I have to ask, is this the *fantasy* talking and is the *trigger* for orgasm for Me to SAY what you want Me to say? Maybe. LOL If so, we’ll do the fantasy in a phone sex call or sexy texting session …. then it is TOTALLY personal to you.
Since I don’t know you or your individual erotic needs, desires and kinky fantasies … I will treat that also as a legitimate question and say, that I believe it is up to YOU to define yourself. I refuse to let others define Me and I don’t presume to define others. That’s MY take on things. That may not be the answer that you’re looking for, but do you *get* what I’m saying?
I am a bit late but i just read this post the the previous one about chrissy’s problems.
I’m obviously speaking for myself and everyone probably reacts differently to those situations.
As i said another time, to me, the “crossdressing” isn’t really part of the kink, but the submissive part is. I’m not really ashamed of anything i do, just worried about some close minded people finding out and causing problem.
On the topic of Magnus’s remark about “feeling sexy or horny dressed up”, yes, it could look like a contradiction, but it really isn’t. The way you dress is totally different. What i mean is that, i enjoy a full female “look”, nicely dressed, because i think the clothes are beautifull, in the way they fit the body and make you look fantastic. When i see a very well dressed girl, i think she is beautifull and would love to look like this, but it’s totally non sexual.
But since both being submissive and crossdressing are seen as “bad” by society, whenever i’m in the company of people that would accept the first one, they would usually accept the second one too. That’s why the two are often mixed.
Whenever i’m going to do kinkier things, i like to dress in more sexy/less conventionnal clothes, and yes, those clothes are part of the turn on, but it’s manily related of the fact that it’s a more “submissive” outfit.
Now getting back to the main topic, to me the kink is a kink and doesn’t have to be known by everyone, i’m fine with that.
However, the way i handle the girly part those day is more complicated. It’s a bit like the mask conversation from the comments, but i don’t like the name “mask”.
The way i see it, there’s me, and there’s the me the other people see.
The public me is me projected thought what you could call “mask” (but i don’t like the name, it looks like you are hiding something, i see it more like clothes, making you look different but it’s still always you).
Everry time, it’s still me, but with the “parameters” adjusted differently.
Firs of all, there is the family version. Being with a more traditionnal family, this one is truly a mask, watch what you say and what you do kind a like.
There is the public me, already more open, but still restrained enough not to have any trouble with other (stupid) people.
Whenever i become a close enough friend with some, the situation goes more toward the “girly boy” me. (of course, it sounds like it goes straight from one to the other but it’s progressive)
There, i’m totally myself, just as a boy, and so far, people seem to have ne problem with that.
For exemple, one guy i met only at the beginning of the year in college, with whom i became friend. The other day, i was with him and broke a nail. I just went “I broke my nail!!”, got my nail file out and just unsharpen the edge here.
The only things is said was “you have a nail file with you ?” i showed him that i had lots of other things just in case like hydrating lotion, blemish control…
He just said it must be complicated to take so many things, and went on.
I have to admit that i pushed a bit after the nail incident to see how “ok” he was with everything else in my bag, but he was totally ok^^.
It’s easier to open up with girls since you can have a conversation about her things before going back on you.
Then there’s the girl me, she is almost the same as the boy me but can dress the way she wants (well, pretty much the same, he may try to refrain from screaming whenever a nasty spider falls in front of him, but he just ends up sceaming the same as her).
So far, not much people in my non internet life know about her, but two people are getting closer, hopefully, i’ll let you all know how the situation develops.
Mylene …… honey, you are AMAZING ! I see so many leadership qualities in you. Like real leadership, not pretend stuff. We’ve been IMing today so you already know that I’m going to take this post and turn it into it’s own blog post. I know you have so many other things you’re doing ….. I want you to know just how much I appreciate you taking your time to write blog comments and IM with Me. I’m twice your age and I LEARN a huge amount from you! THANK YOU for your willingness to take your time to answer questions, pass on the lessons that you’ve learned and share your experiences. You are a VERY special girl!
Hello everyone. 🙂 I was reading Ms. Olivia’s blog earlier today, and I hope you all won’t mind a post from a new comer.
My input in regards to the issue would be that for someone who experiences arousal from the clothing (let’s say panties), it is in part because the “prop” for lack of a better term, is external. Wearing panties doesn’t arouse me. Well, that is unless they are *very* pretty and *very* expensive. 😉 But the are not an external thing for me. I have internalized the wearing of them because I am a female in a society that says that it is fine for me to wear them. The same, I think, would be true for a transgendered person as well. Because she identifies as a she, there is no arousal from the idea of wearing the panties. She may enjoy the sensation of the fabric or whatever, but they are just panties to her. It’s no different than you putting on your boxers, or whatever you wear.
Now, if you were at work, and someone told you he had on panties under his suit and was aroused by it, then I’d say that crossed into the country of sexual harassment. However, please note that the words “Attorney at Law” do not follow my name. 😉
ROFLOL !!!! Loved your post Ms Claire! THANK YOU so much for taking your time to write it! And….of course, you know I love to ~laugh~ …..
Hey, guess what? I just told Jamie Rose that I thought the two of you would *click* on calls …. you it’s perfect you’ve stopped by here!
As you, and others, can tell this blog is a little different from a phone sex blog in that it’s not *just* (or, recently ANY lol) sexy fantasy stuff …. but, that sexual harassment thing that you mention (and magnus mentioned) caught My attention. Just had a really AMAZING long post from Mylene that I’m turning into a blog post about men in panties, crossdressers and sex AND transgender / gender identity issues. I would LOVE for you to comment on that too !
Thanks sweetie!
Thank you for the warm welcome, Ms. Olivia. And for the mention to Jamie. ~smiles~
I look forward to reading more of you blog, and the comments that are left. You have some great discussions going on, and I really like that.
Thanks Claire! And, thank you for posting your comments! I’m always looking for interesting topics …. things that can spark *imagination and conversation* …. The phone sex, of course, is always just one option, sometimes the intelligent conversation becomes the most erotic foreplay!