There’s been a lot of reaction to chrissy’s comment about being at a crossdressing crossroads. She wrote to ask the Experienced Mistress for advice about incorporating her crossdressing into the rest of her life. Specifically, chrissy says, ” i know deep down that i need to integrate my kinks into my life, or to somehow move away from them entirely (which i know is impossible).”
Do you want to integrate your kinks in your real life?
Do you, like chrissy, want to integrate your kinks into your life? If so, how far do you want to go? Do you want to simply share your sex secrets with your intimate partner or is it important to you that everyone know about your kinks and sexual fetishes?
I think, chrissy, that you might want to look at your motivations and expectations. Why do you want to share this? Who do you want to share it with? What reaction are you expecting (hoping for)?
Answers to those questions will give you a more of a sense of your own needs and whether those will be (or even CAN be) met by someone other than yourself. I can be a guide in terms of asking you questions but you take this journey of personal growth in a profoundly solo manner. While you are talking about crossdressing, this journey of ‘self-actualization’ is part and parcel of the human existence … for everyone!
Phone sex as an outlet for sex secrets
The blog posts about handling your sex secrets and whether to talk about your kinks with your partner always get a lot of comments …. from you and from Me. I do a fair percentage of My phone sex calls about just this topic.
Natural desire share with an intimate partner
We’ve talked about sharing your sexual kinks with a partner. I’ve posted about a real life situation with a caller as he negotiated his desire to share his foot fetish with his wife. I think it’s natural to want to share your erotic needs. Many people find a perfect outlet in phone sex.
Chrissy wants to go farther and she writes why, “At present it is a secret i keep, even from partners… and have learnt that through non-disclosure of my kinks i am kind of fucking up the honesty of the relationship. The dynamic of the sex in the relationship is founded on a half-truth…which then sort of leaks out into other areas of the relationship”
How important is sex?
The decision about whether to talk about your kinks is an individual one and there are many factors. YOU know your relationship. chrissy obviously wants the kinks known and accepted. ANY conversation about sexual turnons will be …. ahem …. interesting! There is a fantasic video on youtube on this. Go to youtube and do a search for Bette Bentley and you’re looking for the first video, the one that is written and directed by her.
Credibility and kinks
So, let’s talk about the reality of credibility and how people are dressed. When Lady Gaga wore the meat dress, what was your reaction? When you see someone in a dowdy and frumpy dress do you form an opinion of that person? When you see someone who is decked out in an ultra sharp suit and shopping at the grocery store does that person catch your eye? Your mind says something, right? My mind might go, “Wow, that’s a little overdressed for the grocery!”
The human mind is ultra busy with opinions, judgments and blah, blah, blah. So, when chrissy says, “i am trying to work out a way of being at peace with it, and living it at an appropriate level in general life. In other words, i want to live my kinks without losing credibility or becoming a walking freak show at the local mall where i buy my panties… If that makes any sense!” It makes sense chrissy and that’s probably not a realistic expectation for all of society. You’ll be *looked at* just like the folks who dress Goth or any other *out of the mainstream* type of dress.
Judgments about crossdressing
Clothing is contextual and people do make judgments based on clothes. That’s not just with crossdressing. Try wearing ratty jeans and a dirty tee shirt to a Black Baptist Church. Try, wearing a wet suit to the Opera. Try wearing a business suit to a bar in Key West. “Odd” looks are not personal to crossdressing. It’s part of being human.
So, direct answer to chrissy is this….you’re actually asking all the right questions. The answers are inside you and only you can choose who you are in the matter of your own life. The issues of integrity, self-disclosure, honesty with partners (family/friends), ….all of these things are the very issues that human beings grapple with.
I negotiated this, for example, when I made various decisions about who and why I tell that I do phone sex as a career. My family (the adults) know. Close friends know. My guy, obviously, knows. My physician knows. My hairdresser doesn’t. The people I mentor don’t (unless they’re in phone sex LOL!) ANYONE under the age of 18 doesn’t get told. Am I *out of integrity* by not telling everything to everyone? Not to My mind…but, others might disagree. Like I said, these decisions are highly personal.
Comments? More questions? Share your advice for chrissy or stories of how you have negotiated these sorts of issues (not just in the erotic fetish world).