A sissy recently wrote to me with a question that stayed with me long after I hit send on my reply. While the sissy inspired this blog post, I know that there are lots of submissive with the same question; namely “Am I being a good submissive?” So this blog post can apply to any sub who has submissive performance anxiety.

Email from the sissy who want to be a good submissive

I wonder, can you relate to any of these words and the feelings that prompted this email:

“Mistress, I want to be submissive to you … I’ve been listening to your podcast (The Weekly Hot Spot) and I keep wondering .. am I doing an adequate job?”

If you are also asking that question, you’re not alone. I hear this a lot, either the exact question or some version of it:

• Am I obedient enough?
• Am I pleasing you, Mistress?
• Am I feminine enough?

It might be easy to be glib and say, oh that’s just submissive anxiety but I think these question are more than that. In fact, I feel these kinds of questions demonstrate a longing, a deep desire to belong, to serve, to be seen and, yes, to be cherish by your Mistress.

Being a good submissive

Here’s what most subs don’t understand. Submission isn’t about adequacy. True submission and the Domme/sub relationship is about authenticity. You don’t become a cherished subby or a good sissy by checking boxes. You become one by knowing yourself. And, that’s where the real training begins.

The myth of the perfect submissive

Look around. We live in a world absolutely obsessed with performance. Social media and pop culture shows us carefully curated femininity. Porn, especially Femdom or sissy training porn, gives us scripted obedience. You ‘can’ find rigid task lists that look like factory manuals rather than a blueprint to submission.

What is true submission?

How do you know if you’re being a good sub? I think a rigid checklist might provide a type of comfort but I think that’s an illusion. True submission is not about robotic compliance, it’s about vulnerability. And, vulnerability requires the courage to say something like, “Here I am, Mistress. This is who I am, guide me.”

My role as a Mistress

When I was a younger Domme, I used to believe I had to be the one with all the answers. I did actually have lists of tasks, protocols, and rules. I sill give assignments but I view my role as your Mistress to be the one to guide, support and train you to uncover and become more of who you already are rather than give you a check list to fit into some arbitrary mold.

You are unique and your submission is as unique as your fingerprints

Today, before I assign tasks, I ask questions. I want to understand you. This changes everything. So let me ask you:

What does “being a good submissive” mean to you? Is it about:

•  obedience
• pleasing your Mistress
• letting go of control
• If you’re a sissy, is it about femininity?

When do you feel the most submissive? Is it when:

• you’re called a pet name
• you’re wearing panties
• in a session with your Mistress

What are your deepest longings beyond the erotic fantasy?

• connection
• control
• praise
• discipline

I want you to think beyond a list of actions – notice your feelings. Do you dream of being:

• owned
• controlled
• humiliated
• rewritten
• transformed
• cherished

Finally, what does your daily life look like? This includes things like your:

• job
• routines
• living arrangements
• family circumstances
• privacy

Remember, training that doesn’t fit in your world won’t last. You’ll be frustrated and think you’re a bad sissy or inadequate submissive. You’re not, you just haven’t found the right fit yet.

The most important act of submission

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Am I doing enough?” The answer is already yes because, for me, the desire to grow is the first act of submission.

I want to hear from you. Feel free to answer some of these questions in the comments here or let’s do a session where we can really explore without distractions. Are you ready to begin?

Your Experienced Mistress,

Ms Olivia