This sissy needs advice
One of the many things I love about phone sex is that this is private. You can explore your erotic fetish fantasy in the privacy of your own mind and our sexy conversations. This is especially important if you are a sissy or a crossdresser. Femdom Constance makes this point in her erotic story series about a first experience in crossdressing.
When fantasy isn’t enough for a crossdresser
Fantasy phone sex is wonderful for a variety of sexual fetish play. Sometimes the sex kink involves a blending of fantasy and reality. This is especially part of crossdressing since fantasy alone usually isn’t *enough* for a crossdresser … a huge part of the arousal for the cross dresser is to dress in feminine clothes.
That means having all the lingerie and other femme items that make you feel the way you want to feel.
Fem clothes and purging
Time after time I hear from the cross dressing community about the issue of purging all the items that you love! I can’t imagine how this feels. I did have an apartment fire when I lived in DC and I lost everything (My dog was with Me so he was okay.) I do understand about LOSS but I know it’s not the same as purging a wardrobe.
Sissy kathy asks a question in a previous blog comment. She brings up the issue of purging and since this is a very common issue among men who crossdress, I’m turning it into a blog post.
Real questions about handling sex desires
As many of you know, this blog is about solutions to real issues that those of us in a kinky or fetish sex community face. I do handle many of these topics on phone sex calls and I’m always surprised to hear from a sissy that she has tossed hundreds of dollars worth of clothing, makeup, etc because she is conflicted about her erotic desires. So, let’s hear about the conflict in her own words.
Letter from sissy kathy
Hello Mistress… thank you for suggesting this way for me to pose my questions to you. My issue is resistance and purging. Recently, I split up from a girlfriend of a year. This followed a recent bought of me surfing the internet for all types of sissy and feminization material, including some ((sessions that LDW doesn’t do)). I keep getting this urge to become a cum guzzling sissy slut.
I’ve done it before, in spurts (wink). I’ve probably been with about 60 men, but only a few times in full femme. It turns me on like nothing else. Some days, all I want to do is become a woman. But I’ve bought the clothes, the wigs, the shoes so many times, and every time I just end up masturbating and then lose the whole edge of it for a while. Often I purge. Then I go at it again later.”
The cycle of purchases and purging
I did a poll on our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire, about the issue of purging for men who crossdress. The TV or TG women appear to have more acceptance (eventually). Admittedly the Crossdresser Purging poll is NOT scientific but it looks about 50 – 50 as far as people who are purging. (other respondents aren’t crossdressers, but left comments — thank you!)
Mistresses have some ideas about how to keep your items safe. Ms Constance and Ms Gemma both talk about using storage lockers. Pantyboy cautions that patent leather shoes MELT when left in a hot attic! ~laughs~ Jamie Rose has an apartment and is incredibly generous with our community.
Some people have talked with their partner … Jamie Rose and pantyboy both have a spouse who is supportive. Steph and Pamella are committed to living as their female selves. GO girls!
How do YOU handle your self-acceptance of whatever your kink is? Chime in on that question or direct advice for sissy kathy. Thanks!
No, self-acceptance is still a struggle for me.
@ NB Ahhhhh…….self acceptance is THE human journey. I think those of us *into* anything outside of the very narrow constraints of what is the current style of *normal* has an interesting challenge in that area. I have had phone sex calls where the person on the other end is SOOO embarrassed about what he wanted and it is all VERY NORMAL sexual arousal triggers. But, that doesn’t help much, does it? The journey is a profoundly solo journey…..maybe with some *helpers*, guides or witnesses along the way…..but a human being walks the journey of humanness alone.
I used to purge, but I have become such a feminine girlie CD sissy I will not purge again.
In the past, yes I would throw out all my girl clothes, but not anymore. I do update my clothes and give old dresses and skiets etc to salvation army.
I love buying new dresses, new styles etc. I just purchased some really cute summer dresses and one maxi dress, how femme is that.
I am attempting to be the biggest sissy Mistress Olivia has ever had.
Love and huggs,
Dearest Malissa….. you really ARE such a BIG SISSY! I love hearing about all your new outfits and femme fashions! Our phone sex calls are soooooo much fun!
MsOlivia, I am not sure to what extent I can offer advice not being in such a position. I can actually say that the idea of throwing things away is rather alien to me given that I am a dyed in the wool packrat. (Note; NOT a hoarder. We’re not the same thing. One can actually walk through my home.) I can certainly understand taking a break from any activity, including dressing. We all get fed up with things and/or want a change from time to time. It just seems to me that the people who desire to dress have that deeply ingrained in them. Mind you, no more than any fetish or kink is deeply ingrained; I am not singling them out there. So, I find it perhaps not forward-thinking to purge since more than likely the purger will want to wear those clothes again later.
If the purging results from a disgust of the dressing, then I’m not sure what to say. I do like it when people are themselves and feel confident in being so. I understand not wanting to share one’s kink with the world, sure, but I think one should be able to enjoy it themselves or at least not be ashamed by it (unless such shame is really a turn on). So while I don’t position my advice as having any worth since it’s a YMMV thing, I would say though to try taking it one day at a time and don’t do anything rash you may regret later.
Great advice, magnus. You are such a voice for compassion, connection and reason…..I have to ask: What made you this way? Do you come by this as an innate characteristic or is this learned by graduating the school of hard knocks? I, personally, have been through Screw U (University) and honey, I aced it! ~laughs~ I don’t just mean phonesex school. I totally agree about the one day at a time thing…..rash decisions all to often fall into the category of *regret* , which is never fun to have to process.
MsOlivia, You honor me. *blush* I think I just realize that there but for the grace of God go I. We live in a world where some people are forever feeling like they don’t belong. (And many people do not help with that feeling.) A few words from me is not going to change that completely but at least they might touch someone and help a little bit.
@ magnus I think that phrase: there but for grace, sums up a LOT! I’m a firm believer in the practice of lovingkindness ((okay, not during a phone sex or fetish scene where is isn’t wanted or needed…..~laughs~). But as a personal standard of being, I would rather continue to be surprised at someone’s malicious or manipulative behavior then ever become cynical about people. Appropriate caution and an articulation of boundaries is NOT cynical 🙂 … that’s being emotionally healthy and mentally well.
Now, I have to disagree with you on something. You said a few words from you won’t change that completely…..and while that is technically TRUE … I have been on the receiving end of someone’s *just a few words* that have made a HUGE DIFFERENCE. You never know just how powerful those few words can be and what impact they can have on that one life (and therefore ALL the people they touch). WORDS are powerful! Don’t sell the impact of your way of being short. It makes a HUGE difference!
Now, because I’m feeling soooooooo snuggly and loving…..I’m going show you My *special* boots and torment you whilst unzipping them! ~laughs~ *wink*
MsOlivia, if Your disagreeing with me means I get to watch You slowly unzip boots, oh so slowly, knowing Your wiggling toes are waiting, well, I’ll start saying the sky is green. 🙂
Seriously though, I was thinking more that my words by themselves would not change the entire world, but I do see Your point. I do know my words can touch people and help somewhat, and if a million magnuses all say the same thing then perhaps that could change the world. But fear not, I am happy to do what I can and I don’t plan to stop.
~laughs~ and *wiggles toes* at the magnus! I have the sexiest pedicure! Doing this phone sex thing has created an outlet for all kinds of kink interests that were there but simmering …. being on the receiving end of foot worship is one of them! *wink*
Over the course of 40 years I’ve purged more times than I can count; everything gone then buy everything again. That in and of itself is one reason to stop purging – it can be costly! At this point in my life, I’ve accepted the fact that I am who I am – a crossdresser with submissive traits. I’m done running away from it.
I absolutely love dressing as a female from the makeup and wig down to getting a pretty pedicure on my little sissy toenails – In fact Ms Olivia, You helped me select a color for one of my pedicures in a pole. Especially love dresses, skirts, and HIGH heels to show my long legs – my best asset. Dressing use to be a real sexual turn on for me, but now is more just a part of who I am. Don’t get me wrong, I do get AROUSED by dressing and love the excitement of being ‘out there’, but orgasm is rare.
Dressing is usually done in the privacy of my home in the presence of my wife who tolerates it. I am shaved from the neck down and dress regularly at home – wearing panties, bra, skirt, top and black sandals with about a 3″ wedge as I write this. Occasionally I get the opportunity to go out in public where I’m ‘fairly’ passable – about a ’20 footer’. In the past several months, I’ve been ordered by Ms Alex to do sissy assignments. I have ventured further than I ever imagined – from spending several days at the beach in a bikini to being required to go for makeovers, shopping trips, and salon appointments. I recently had to buy a pink dress that was too short for me and wear it from the store to go for a matching pedicure and then walk through a tourist town down to the lake to sit for a while and contemplate just what a sissy Ms Alex has turned me into. But alas, I love it. I just need Her ‘encouragement’ for me to be Tyra, my female alter-ego.
Tyra (aka sarah62)
Thank you for writing Tyra ….. I’m soooo curious. We talk about how to incorporate your kinks into your ‘real life’ a lot here (for those that WANT that). Some people really do like the kink or fetish only on phone sex because that’s a separate part of life but, others’ especially crossdressers year for a level of acceptance. Would you be willing to tell us MORE and tell us how you had that conversation with your wife? I would love to hear about it!
i have gone through many cycles of purging just like Mistress Olivia describes. As unthinkable as it sounds there are cycles of obsession with the fantasy that are stronger than my sense of guilt/shame. When the obsession is stronger, i’m wildly thinking about the next bra and panty or dress or shoes i can buy or i’m constantly looking for that stolen moment where i’ll get that chance to wear them. But the inner conflict i feel between my responsibility to my vanilla life and the secret one of a submissive sissy is intense. It has a lot to do with the ones i love and my anger with self. When guilt/shame become stronger than my obsession–which is the norm for me–it is my self hate response that purges hoping this side of my life will go away.
ahhhhh….petunia…..*nods* at your inner conflict…..that is very common, not just with crossdressing but with others that call phone sex for a connection that they don’t get in real life. Here’s the thing. In MY experience, which is considerable, you are NOT alone…..talking about your erotic desires is a difficult conversation for many people. One that depends on your needs/wants AND the context of the community (or person) you’d like to tell. It’s a tough conversation, no two ways about it.
I’m curious, can you tell us what you’ve done about trying to reduce that inner conflict? Is that something you’ve tried to work on? ((Besides the purging and hoping the desires will go away.)
THANK YOU so much for taking your time to post your comment.
Not sure you can put the toothpaste back in the tube when it comes to human sexuality. We like what we like, even if we’re not sure why we like it.
I think self-acceptance of your sexuality comes from having balance in your life. We are all so much more than a kink or fetish. Most people in our lives value us for things that have nothing to do with being kinky.
GREAT comment John! *nods* YES…..we ARE more than our kink. I know I sure am! ((witness all the non-kink stuff on My wish list that sometimes startles people))
BUT ….. that desire for the kink sex is also very strong and part of who we are as human beings. That’s a great visual about not being able to put the toothpaste back in the tube! It’s exactly like that! I’ve talked with some guys who are really concerned about the WHY of what they like to do. I try to reassure them! Like you said, the WHY of a particular sex fetish is complex ….. and, in the end, it doesn’t really matter because if it’s there, it’s THERE. Phone sex is often a great way to explore the whys AND the fantasy simultaneously! That’s when I’m the therapist with the happy ending! ~laughs~
Seriously, part of the ability to achieve the balance you talked about is having an appropriate outlet for the REAL sex needs of real men. That’s where I come in 🙂 I’ve seen people grow in the self-acceptance which you mentioned. I think self-acceptance is KEY!
I always thought purging was buying too much but as I write I see your on vacation. I hope you enjoy. I did have my mom find some lingerie of mine and threw away, but I’ve never thrown anything away myself. Funny thing is my mom said I was supposed to of been born a girl, but when she’s saw that, she’s just threw it out. It does get tough financially that’s for sure. But when you know something is right, its all part of the struggles now, but in the end hopefully it turns out perfect.
*waves* @ tiffy. I’ve heard that a lot. Mother’s often DO *know* what is really going on with a child. Sometimes what a parent does is hurtful or worse, but often it is done with the intention of *helping* the child. Intentions and motivations count a LOT in My world. When I do the acceptance/therapy types of phone sex calls I listen and then provide gentle counsel about the nature of lovingkindness.
Now, how are YOU? You’re reaching out and connecting with a community that *gets* who you are. Can you tell us more about how that is going?
Hugs and lipstick kisses!
OMG! I am just a newbie and I did not even realize that “purge” was an actual term when I mentioned it in Enchantress Empire. I only discarded my “Lolita” style clothes and most of my BSDM stuff (I miss those things and I’ll have to replace them!!!)
Dearest Jenni, welcome to the blog comments section of the Experienced Mistress! We’re so glad you’re here….especially because you’re a newbie! I really encourage you to ask Me any questions that you have — or if you’d simply like to toss around ideas. You’ll see on the blog posts that I tend to cover a variety of topics…..from totally sexy fantasy to very serious subjects…..so comment or ask about anything on your mind! BTW, for others on the blog comments section, Jenni may be new, but she’s a totally babe! ~lipstick kisses~