Why pay for sex
There’s a lot of free sex available. You can jack off to all sorts of free porn clips or photos on the internet. There are dating and casual hook up sites galore! There are online communities devoted to fantasy relationships. Even the adult sex industry has free samples so you don’t always have to pay for sex.
Lots of free sex
We have a plethora of free erotic audio sites for just about everyone. Tease mania is for cock tease and denial. Get Girlie is for sissies and feminization audios. We have fetish assignment sites like humiliation boot camp which has a combo of the written erotic humiliation assignment and a free erotic audio clip. If you have a happy ending with the free stuff that’s GREAT! Enjoy! If you want more, that’s fine too *wink*.
What you pay for with a professional
First and foremost, you pay for My time, experience, expertise and creativity. If you want My undivided attention and/or individual sex scene creation (participation) that is considered a session. Think of it this way. When you’re looking for a new car, you go to a car dealership and they generally offer you a test drive. You might have a really FUN test drive but you know better than to ask for the car for the weekend or personalize it with a bumper sticker.
With sex that line can blur. Sex is something that you can get *for free* inside of a non-paid relationship. But, as you’ll see in the following IM chat, there are certain disadvantages to exploring your erotic interests in a dating (non professional) venue. You get the advantages of not paying for sex but you generally don’t get BOTH (free AND professional) at the same time. Again, I’m not advocating anything in particular. What you want depends on you. I’m making the distinction between undivided attention from a professional and all the *stuff* that goes along with dating someone who is an amateur.
The bottom line is that there is a boundary when the exchange is with a professional. That boundary protects YOU from all sorts of risks and entanglements that come with personal relationships that are outside of the arena of paid companionship. Which brings Me to the continuation of the IM Chat with the man about whether he should explore his Femdom fantasies in real life with with a Pro Domme, an escort or with a woman who is an unpaid player in the fetish sex scene (or, in My words, an amateur).
The IM chat continues with talk about unpaid fetish sex
Ms Olivia:Â Now, about amateurs …. that’s a GREAT question.
Man:Â *listening*
Ms Olivia: Who does your taxes? You, a friend, or a tax professional?
Man: tax professional (used to be me, then it got a little more complicated with some business ventures lol)
Ms Olivia: *nods* So…….would you want a lover to do your taxes? Let’s say she is a new lover or romantic interest who actually IS a tax professional and offers to do your taxes for free.
Man:Â probably not
Ms Olivia:Â I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this……
Man:Â yes
Ms Olivia: What are the PROS of a professional ……. what are the CONS of an amateur or someone you’re in a relationship with? Can you list a couple?
Man: PROS: “Familiarity” versus escort; personal relationship; “presumably” safer; not a “sex worker” per se. CONS: New friends aren’t that familiar, and familiar doesn’t mean you want to show your “kinky” sides; may be interested but inexperienced; may not be as receptive to you afterward.
With escort – secrets are secrets (more generally, though we both know there are exceptions) but with a personal lover, more risk if you are trying to explore discreetly (at least potentially). If things go wrong, will that secret be kept moving forward? How are those?
Ms Olivia: PERFECT. Couldn’t have said it better! Actually sex workers tend to be *safer* for a variety of reasons. If she is smart she practices safer sex ….. and you probably wouldn’t go to a cheap/dumb one. Many people shy away from safer sex and honest conversations about STD’s in real life or dating relationships. And, if you’re smart you won’t assume that your potential partner is STD free just because she isn’t in the sex biz … that’s unrealistic.
Man:Â very true
Ms Olivia:  AND if She has legit Domme experience She knows how to practice safe domination. The penis and balls, for example, can get hurt VERY EASILY…….which is not something you want to risk.
Man:Â *nods*
Ms Olivia: CBT and pain play are great fun to play with but only if you know what you’re doing. Even something as *simple* as flogging and spanking can be dangerous. One powerful swat that hits you on your kidneys and you’re looking at trouble. Possibly an emergency room visit.
Man:Â wow
Ms Olivia: So, unless you have a medical fantasy AND good insurance there are risks to consider in real life with someone who doesn’t know what She’s doing. Let Me briefly touch on the issue of amateurs in the area of romance and relationships.
Man:Â ok
Ms Olivia: I did a blog post about sharing your sex secrets with a partner. In general, the consensus was that if you’ve got a new romantic partner and the erotic desires are very important to you … then share them (cautiously). In your case, and I know you to a certain extent…..
Man:Â heh, true
Ms Olivia: I’d say (with you), share with a kinky woman. Feel HER out.
Man:Â nods
Ms Olivia:Â Because you probably don’t want to go *back* to vanilla sex, right?
Man:Â *nods* Vanilla has it’s occasional place, but you are absolutely correct
Ms Olivia: *nods* Okay…..so you’re for sure looking for someone in real life who is open minded. NOW……..whether her sex kinks as yours match up is a different story.
Man:Â lol true
Ms Olivia: MOST women who are kinky in real life are submissive. There are fewer natural Femdoms or, like me, women who are a switch.  ALSO, with amateurs…..or relationships you have all the stuff that goes with relationships……ie emotional baggage that you don’t get with a professional. Does that make sense? I’m getting a call.
This was a long call so it’s also a natural break in posting the final part (that I’m making public) of our IM Chat. You’ll see that after the weekend (with My guy – *wink*). I’d like to hear from you. What are your reactions to what you’ve read? Does this make you think differently about anything? Stir up emotions in you? What? As always, I respond and answer each of your comments.
THANK YOU again for all your comments about these IM Chat blog posts and, thank you most of all to the generosity of the men who are willing to let Me post these IM chats – real men, real questions, real issues. I love this! 🙂
Ms Olivia
Terrific post, Ms. Olivia. Your commentary is (as always!) so thoughtful. For some people, another reason to pay for it is that it can be a huge turn-on. The act (or even the notion) of paying for it can be deliciously exciting.
warmly,
g
You’re RIGHT gMan and thank you for posting that! *DUH!* Paying for sex is part of the whole general naughtiness fun! And *general naughtiness* is a HUGE turn on for a lot of people on BOTH sides of the equation. I admit, I get totally turned on because I am paid for phone sex! In fact, I even had an ex-boyfriend pick Me up in a bar and pay Me to act out a fantasy one time! LOL I LIKE naughty !!!!
Hi MsOlivia! I do love Your posts and ruminating on them for a tad.
You certainly make wonderful points about why one would use a pro Domme vs a different avenue. The relationship with the pro would be strictly business whereas as amateur may often involve more than that. However, while I do see that clear distinction between them, I guess I don’t know if the difference between what you’d get out of it is as cut and dried.
Let ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. 🙂 What You say about your taxes is right on the money (yes, lame pun intended). You’d go to an accountant to have your taxes done. Why? Because an accountant knows what she’s doing, has experience, has knowledge of tax laws, has insurance. All very good reasons. (Though if You ever wanted to do my taxes while I kiss Your feet, I’d be open for that. KIDDING) But the accountant has something else – certification. She’s taken tests to verify she knows what she’s doing and is certified to do that.
Now, the pro Domme though needs no certification. So how does one know that She really knows what’s She’s doing? I don’t think one does. That’s not to say whatsoever that there aren’t a lot who do know their stuff, but it does seem to me that any woman could call herself a pro if she wanted to. We’ve all heard of cases where something goes wrong at a pro’s dungeon and someone is hurt. There was the one who was brought up on charges for hiding a man’s body who had dies while under her care. I know that’s the exception, but those things happen, and pro’s don’t have insurance for it. Again, I’ll never use one, but I’ve seen them online and I remember one site where the woman said something about “peeking her curiousity” [sic] and I thought “You’re too stupid to a Mistress.” Not the most charitable of thoughts, perhaps, but You do know how I prize intelligence (why I love Your posts so much). So I don’t think one is necessarily guaranteed professional BDSM simply by going to a pro. Caveat emptor applies and it can be hard to find out how goos someone is. Word of mouth may work of course, but darn it, I just can’t seem to find the pro Domme listing under the Better Business Bureau website.
On the other hand, I have had the great privelege of knowing some lifestyle Dommes who are not pros. In one case, she would look for different play partners and would play in a private BDSM club. I met one of her friends last year who visited every couple years and they hung out as friends but she also played with him at the club too. So the possibility of a friends with benefits relationship could happen, though I cannot comment on how common such would be. I think also of groups that put on munches to meet others and it might be possible to go to play parties with those groups too where playing with friends would happen and without having to be in more of a dedicated relationship.
So all in all, I feel there is gray area there too and like all things, one should be aware and use the noggin for more than a hat rack.
Have a great weekend with Your guy!
Hi magnus !!! GREAT post….and I TOTALLY agree with you.
What I left out of that IM session was the email I sent him after our first call about how to get into the fetish scene. I explained about FetLife with the usual *bewares* of internet dating …. how to find a local group in his area (but not his town) ….. etiquette at a munch as a single man …. and if he’s approved to actually go to a play party, how to begin to evaluate people.
Here’s the thing, like anything that matters to you, do your research. Part of his research is that he has Me as a resource so I can begin to point him in the right direction. That means he’ll save time going through internet links and sites to become educated.
Where people get into trouble is when they just jump in blind in real life play. This is not smart. Actually, it’s not smart to just jump into ANY real life relationship. LOL The parts of BDsm that make it sexy involves risks. The risks are FUN but, well …. RISKY.
If someone is serious, they invest time into learning about the fetish scene. I guarantee if he shows up at the Floating World as an interested submissive and is well behaved, a talented Domme will take a second look at him. Yes, that is *free* play but it’s still not free on his part, he’s investing time. He IS investing time, etc in his search but much of that was personal and private (and some of the discussion during a phone sex call) so it didn’t get posted.
I ~laughed~ at your comment about using the noggin for more than a hat rack! 🙂
ps …. OMG, the weekend was GREAT !!!!! 🙂