Question about a Pro Domme
I get lots of questions about all sorts of things. Most issues are in the BDsm and sex fetish arena but I’m an Informatrix (new term from a caller of mine) — we can talk about anything your heart or your dick desires. After all, it’s phone sex and it’s fun! (Unless of course you want to be tormented and this Experienced Mistress can do that too! ~laughs~)
These IM chats are about real issues for real men. So, there really isn’t anything too strange to ask. There are no limits on what you ask; I’ll manage My end.
Question for Mistress
Now, I do have some boundaries about these free IM Chats. First, if you want My undivided attention in private or ‘scene’ creation that IS a session. Second, if I do one of these free IM Chats with you it is with the clear understanding that I will be posting it on My blog. You ‘can’ change your mind at the end of the free chat and decide I can’t post our IM chat but don’t expect to get another free chat. 🙂 Finally, I don’t IM during a call or sexy texting session. Within those limits you can ASK anything and you’ll get real consideration and a response.
Background about Pro Domme question
This IM chat is with a man who called as part of his exploration of BDsm and fetish. He’s interesting to Me because he’s at the beginning of his fetish exploration journey. He knew he enjoyed various elements of cock control (cock tease and denial) and wanted to find out more. Our session was amazing and I thoroughly enjoyed it! He IM’d with a question, here’s part of our chat. There are other parts and those will follow.
Question about sex professionals
Man: So bizarre question, or maybe not so, for you…for a “toe in the water” sensation play experience, am I better off in the hands of a sensual escort, or a regular playing amateur?
Ms Olivia: PERFECT question for My blog. Want to post it and I’ll answer there?
Man: sure – will have to post tonight (at work now!)
Ms Olivia: We can chat here if I can have permission from you to post this IM to My blog. I do a lot of that and this is a perfect conversation for that. As always, I’ll take off your IM and take out identifiers…….but, I’d like to post because I get this sort of question.
Ms Olivia: GREAT ! So……couple of questions first……Have you been to an escort before?
His escort experience
Man: yes – more traditional/GFE (girlfriend experience) versions
Ms Olivia: *nods* Another question…..did you want to have sex with the escort after play?
Ms Olivia: So, double check the laws in your state. In most (with the exception notably in NV) paying for sex is illegal. Be aware of possible risks, etc. that you take. I, obviously, recommend that you stay within the legal limits wherever you are. THAT said, here’s a difference between Pro Dommes and escorts.
Pro Domme versus escort
Ms Olivia: Pro Dommes are primarily into sensation play, Domination/submission, pain play, etc. They generally do NOT engage in any sex during or after the session. Escorts on the other hand, know that sex is more than likely part of the deal. Escorts generally KNOW about BDsm (fetish fashions, play, etc. is part of our pop culture). If the escort is good at what she does she’s familiar with BDsm in a provider sense and most likely is at various levels of skill with that. If they are skilled enough they generally become Pro Dommes and leave the escort business. Skill level often decreases the actual opportunity for sex for you in a paid setting. LOL Makes sense?
Fetish doesn’t mean sex
Man: Yes it does. I think that’s an interesting distinction – dommes are in it for the role, not the sex…I didn’t think of it that way.
Ms Olivia: *nods* Exactly……
Man: on MY end of it, they are linked, but on their end, they are not
Ms Olivia: I know one man who is on IM right now who went to a strict Domme and a sensual Domme. Both did paddling and sensation play. Let Me check with him to see if the sensual one had sex after the play and paddling.
Man: lol ok
Ms Olivia: He might have stepped away from his computer…..he’ll back back and if we’re still texting, I’ll get your answer from him. MY experience is that there are different advantages to all THREE categories depending on what you’re looking for.
Ms Olivia: Sure, Pro Domme, escort (still paid professional) and amateur.
Man: So the follow up question/post is..what sort of questions can/should I ask to ensure I’m getting the right experience from a Pro Domme or escort?
Ms Olivia: GREAT folo. Just a sec the other guy is writing back.
Another man shares his real life experience
Ms Olivia: Here’s what he wrote: “More like an escort doing domme stuff, but in a way that was fine. I was just happy to find someone to do the kinky stuff, and I had the feeling she enjoyed it. She didn’t seem inexperienced or awkward at it was sort of like the fun people at a play party.”
Man: gotcha..so for his end (which sounds similar to mine) might be best for an escort with a domme/sensation play side
Ms Olivia: *nods* Yes because a Pro Domme doesn’t do the sex part……although things are usually negotiable and you can always ask.
( …. to be continued ….)
Preview of cumming attractions
This was a long IM chat so I’m posting it as a series. The next couple of days will bring an exchange about professional sex versus fetish play with an amateur. There are different advantages to both. As always I appreciate your comments and questions. I’d like to begin the conversation about making a distinction between someone who is paid for sex and someone who isn’t. When you pay for something there’s a different dynamic. That’s not automatically bad OR good. Being a customer gives you different options (and benefits) then you get as a romantic partner. I find that the ‘trouble’ starts when the paid and unpaid distinctions get blurred. For example, I don’t mind at all when I phone sex caller abruptly hangs up right after orgasm but I sure don’t suggest you do that with a real live woman you’re in an intimate relationship with! ~laughs~
“I find that the ‘trouble’ starts when the paid and unpaid distinctions get blurred.”
Oh Ms. Olivia, if only it were “that” simple. the world out there is a continuum with multiple endpoints. & each one has its own set of rules, some hard & fast, some more or less negotiated.
As a case in point, several years ago, i was very active in a ProDomme/sub message board that carried on pretty serious educational threads, which would “sometimes” degenerate into nonsense (in good fun). one Pro/Lifestyle Domme from out west ended up with a business trip to my neck of the woods. W/we had drinks together at my favorite watering hole. i watched Her critically evaluate the wait staff & then successfully approach one of the waitresses, whom She hired to move west & become a Domme-in-training, lol. A few months later, She had a return trip. We had drinks together again, but this time ended up back at Her hotel, where things, including sex, proceeded almost exclusively on Her terms….which turned out to be just fine by me.
you’re right coffeeboy…..what I should have said is this: when the distinctions aren’t clear and the people aren’t in agreement THEN there’s trouble. Now I do phone sex professionally and I also do it with My guy. LOL EXCEPT the crazy, sweet man is only so so with fantasy…..he’s a reality type so the eternal irony for us is that he ended up with one of the best phone sex artists in the biz and he doesn’t get off on fantasy! ROFLOL Life is funny, eh?
You bring up a critical thing. SHE was the one that offered. What I was talking about was when someone in the paid arena starts treating Me like a girlfriend, like expecting time, etc. Then I know he’s blurring the line and it’s time to really reiterate the boundaries and it fries My fanny if someone starts whining and trying to manipulate Me past stated boundaries. I’m very straight forward. Shoot, even My manipulation is straightforward! LOL I said ALL THAT apparently in My head, My fingers typed “the trouble starts when the paid and unpaid gets blurred”
i guess, Ms. Olivia, that like Your guy, my “fantasy” menu is somewhat limited, at least in terms of having no interest in Bo Peep or interrogation or a swarm of Catholic schoolgirls & such. my fantasies are drawn from my experiences as much as anything else &, perhaps pushing a bit beyond those experiences. They are driven more by capturing the essence of what D/s “relationships” could or should entail. for me, as a relationship submissive to my core, that means that Her boundaries are, de facto, my boundaries…that Her interests, over time, are embraced by me & become my interests.
this is why, in the long run, i will probably “settle down” with one Phone Domme. i need that connection. i need the interaction to become an intuitive give and take, bearing in mind that it is a professional relationship AND Her boundaries are, and will remain, my boundaries.
in fact, one of my hottest fantasies is the “unscrupulous therapist.” while not borne of fact, the potential power of a Woman who has that much access to Your head is….well.
@ coffeeboy ….. *nods* …. YES ! Now, are you SURE you aren’t My guy? He jokes about Me putting him into a scene with the entire cast of the Nutcracker suite …. “and, then …… come in and …… ” Like you, he loves play and fantasy but it can’t be what you called the Bo Peep interrogation…..LOL …. so far away from reality (in his head) that he can’t get into it.
Now, ME of course…….I get into Giantess fantasies and totally love them! LOL It can be TOTALLY out there without any toe hold in *reality* but hey, hot is hot ….. LOL You’re so right that part of the D/s *fitting* is what you said about the intuitive give and take. That can happen via phone sex and the connection is as real and often more honest than real life.
Now, are you SURE you aren’t My guy?” sigh…..if i were, i’d only be here to cause mischief! 🙂
Giantess is one of those i don’t get, but i’d never run it down & it doesn’t mean that i didn’t find the original “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” stimulative, when i first discovered it and puberty about the same time, lol. that said, if the magic of a connection happens, i usually find myself eagerly following wherever She may be in the mood to lead!
LOL coffeeboy…..YOU mischief! ~pshaw~
“mischievous” lurks, Ms. Olivia. Your topics just tend to spark the intellect enough to keep it reined in. 😉
good observation coffeeboy! It’s reined in here …. and let loose during sessions. A girl’s gotta have a ‘little’ mystery, eh? Even in phone sex!
MsOlivia, You are a posting machine! I love it!
I am sure I’ll have more comments as this series progresses of course, but here’s what I thought of. The (small L) libertarian in me does believe that sex for pay should be legal because the government shouldn’t be telling women what they can do to their bodies. (I’m stopping here since this is in no way a political rant and I try to keep those out of here.) Having said that, it’s not something I would ever engage in. That’s just not me. I do also not advocate breaking any laws either and I applaud You for saying that You don’t.
Now not engaging also for me is that I would not ever use a pro-Domme. Again, not me. One thing though is the statement that a pro would not be giving sex and I am somewhat torn there. I have seen websites for pro-Dommes where they state emphatically that they don’t offer sex and certainly she’s not giving sex by a certain ex-president’s definition. (Not naming names here. 😉 ) But isn’t BDSM still sexual in nature? Not in the same way as regular sex, of course, but don’t those of us who like it still get a sexual thrill from it even if our naughty bits never come into play? Or do people think of it as just another mundane activity (ok, not too mundane) like watching a sporting event? This I’ve been pondering for some time and have even thought about putting up a poll on EE to see what other thought.
magnus ….. sure BDsm is erotic in nature…..but erotic doesn’t mean sex acts. I have phone sex calls that ARE erotic but not actual sex activities taking play while on the phone. In person, this can be translated to (for example) pain play in a fetish scene but not intercourse or exchange of bodily fluids. The exchange of bodily fluids is often off limits in many fetish groups and play parties (it puts boundaries on the activities and limits liability for group members).
I’d love to see a poll on EE about this and think that’s a great idea! In the context of a Pro Domme and paid Dominatrix services the ‘no sex’ stipulation gives Her clear boundaries AND gives her legal protection. There is the reality of BDsm’s sexual/erotic thrill and then the reality of legal definitions, limits and laws limiting behavior. Like the guy who said he went to the escort/Domme for the kinky experiences in real life, he didn’t expect or even want ‘sex’ sex …. he wanted experiences he hadn’t gotten before. I know for a fact that he masturbates to memories of the sessions but that’s (from a legal sense) sex for hire. See what I mean?
Very interesting perspective. I wonder though if there’s more of a spectrum than separate definitions for erotic and sexual. I *totally* agree with you about not everything being a sex act but can still be erotic and I was not including phone sex (or cybering) as sex acts since the involved parties are not touching one another. (Although they may be touching themselves. *wink* Ahem…..) Now, the law is quite clear and I would believe that any good pro Domme would know what she can and cannot do.******
Also, a good friend belongs to a fetish group and she tells me a lot of what she does there and certainly about the boundaries like the no exchange of fluids and more. In our litigious society, it’s smart to cover one’s ass like that, even when other asses are quite uncovered. 🙂
So I am not arguing from a legal perspective. I’m no lawyer. My question still though is what constitutes a sex act. It just seems to me that stimulating of someone’s genitals for the purpose of pain/pleasure should qualify, again though, not necessarily in the eyes of the law.
Back to the thoughts on erotic though, so I was wondering if there was a spectrum. I think to things that are erotic like slow dancing to a sexy song. (Like the song Pleasure Victim, I mentioned the other night.) Or lying back and having a woman’s long hair draping across my face. Mmmm But does the opposite apply? Can something be sexual and not erotic? I’m not so sure about that so maybe my model breaks down there. I shall think more on this. I’ll also write up the poll too to see what others think.
****** I have a major digression on that and I promise to share it with You but I will do so in a separate comment since it is its own thing.
I totally agree magnus ….. for Me, erotic is in the mind …. a MUCH for intimate and sensual place then physical gropings poorly done. That is one of the many things I adore about phone sex . With in person into BDsm play I think if you’re looking at legal definitions it might fall more closely into assault than sex. I agree with you that what constitutes a sex act is as individual as fingerprints or DNA ….. AND, laws are laws ….. they are designed to bring order out of chaos and, as such, are less than perfect for nuances.
~laughs~ I can’t wait to see your “major digression” !!! I like your digressions!
MsOlivia, funny you should mention assault since that’s a perfect segue into my digression. And since I had a segue, I’m not sure if it still counts as a digression. LOL
I’m not sure if you know but I live in Massachusetts. Some years ago it was all over the news around here where there had been a play party in a town a bit south of me. (I could name the town, but I don’t know if that would be okay so I’ll refrain.) The press didn’t call it a play party but that’s what it was. The police raided the party and arrested a man and a woman for assault. For spanking another woman there. It was all consensual. It didn’t matter. Here in Mass, it was illegal to spank or hit someone even if they wanted you to do so. Go figure that in super-liberal Mass too.
There was a follow up article about a different local BDSM group who were quite concerned about this since they’d always considered themselves law-abiding citizens.
So I wanted to add that just something is not a sex act at all, there can still be legal ramifications. I’m not sure how one would go about finding out local laws like this though since I can imagine the police giving you a funny look if you ask, but there you have it.
*nods* …… I hadn’t heard that specific situation but I have heard of lots of situations where the law got involved. Laws and moral/ethical considerations should be a concern for anyone seriously interested in any type of fetish play or sex in a public and/or exposed setting. I’d like to know more about your example. WHY was that spot a target for the raid? There’s always an interesting back story that can be very instructive! This is also a reason for a ‘munch’ before getting the approval to go to a play party. My *munch* before the group I eventually joined has several other ‘newbies to fetish and/or the group’ and not everyone got approved to join or be invited to the play party. Good! There was one couple that was totally creepy and weird. I think fetish sex in real life, phone sex, or anything else that matter to you should be investigated and the potential risks weighed against possible benefits.
I sent You an email with some specifics, MsOlivia, because I didn’t know if it would be okay to put it in here.
I like how many groups self-police their members. Not just during the parties themselves with dungeon monitors, but deciding who gets to join, who gets to be a part of them and associate with them. While vanilla people may think all of us People of Kink may be creepy, it’s really not true and they may be surprised by who they know has such desires. The groups themselves, while they may not always want to make the whole world know about them, (or they may, I suppose), they would not want to appear as people who are not safe, who aren’t careful even when causing others pain consensually. I have heard some horror stories and I can say that such would not be for me. I will also say that Your group is lucky to have You.
WOAH! magnus! Thank you so much for sending that email with the details of the ‘bust.’ Reading that carefully I notice that the organizer actually HIT the police officer and that seemed to begin the cascade leading to the arrests. Errrrmmmmm……I’m not sure that hitting a police officer for any reason falls into safe, sane and consensual! LOL
It does go to show you that it’s best to really know and understand ANYONE that you “play” with in real life. It’s like having the STD conversation and discussion of safer sex which will always happen with Me in real life settings. It’s just being adult about the whole thing and taking personal responsibility for My own well-being. Sensible. I really did My research before joining My kinky family. We don’t play….ahem …. right across the street from a police station and violate things like business codes. LOL I’m compassionate…..but really, was that the smartest place to play? ~laughs~
LOL, I didn’t say they did all the smartest things, and when this first came out I didn’t remember talk of the police being assaulted which is a no-no no matter what. It’s possible the paper I read the story in didn’t mention that or made it a very minor thing. I know the focus then was on the BDSM assault part as other local groups were concerned that they too would be the focus of a raid or criminal investigation.
Anyway though have I mentioned I prize intelligence already? Why yes, yes, I have. 🙂 So I do appreciate knowing that You pay attention and are smart about it. Not that I had expected anything less with You.
*nods* @ magnus! ~laughs~ I wonder if there are any demographic studies of WHO is involved in kink. I would think we tend to be above average in intelligence. Of course, I’m basing that on comments here and the people who call Me for phone sex so My view is admittedly skewed. Or screwed. LOL Depending.
“I would think we tend to be above average in intelligence.”
i hope You and magnus won’t mind if i interject here, Ms. Olivia, but that statement gave me pause. i think there are possibly two tiers of people that are drawn to kink.
first are those that are introduced to it by a partner. regardless of their intelligence, they discover the endorphin rush that can accompany either topping or bottoming & love it! they will, more often than not, need realtime play to satisfy their kinky urges.
then there’s the group that i think You are referring to. i don’t think intelligence is sufficient. i think they also have to have a curious mind, perhaps insatiably curious. they may discover “kink” through a partner or on their own, but once discovered they need to not only experience it, but examine it, analyze their response to it, & (perhaps) push their own boundaries. often they have a more, if not vivid, at least active imagination. this enables them to invest themselves in a phone scenario with as much, if not more, enthusiasm as in real time.
it led me to consider the distinction between my brother and myself. he’s smart & works like a dog, but his imagination seems lacking…somehow. he is very conventional in his approach to life. his education is in business & i don’t know how he does it, but he’s now spent 32 years in personnel management for the federal government. he reads, but not as voraciously as i do & his selection of books is as much driven by what’s discounted at Costco as interest.
i, on the other hand, gravitated to geology. i have little to no trouble thinking, even visualizing things/events in 4 dimensions, whether its plate movement or the migration of a contaminant plume in groundwater. when i read, i’m drawn to “mysteries” and become invested in the characters. a yarn cardboard cutout characters drives me to distraction. but give me character’s like Connelly’s Harry Bosch, Crais’ Elvis Cole or Joe Pike, Rankin’s John Rebus, or Lippman’s Tess Monaghan and i’m a happy camper.
@ coffeeboy ….. before I forget….have you read Connelly’s The Poet? I read a LOT and it’s all diverse with a lifelong love of mysteries…..and, I DIDN:T see the ending coming! Have you read it yet? I think you’d love it!
Still speaking of your book comment …. like you I’m not all that interested in cutout characters …. whether in fiction, fantasy or real life.
Okay……so to the specifics in your comment. Good distinctions! Being introduced to Femdom by a Woman who decides to take Control is a HUGE fantasy! Many callers discovered Femdom (by accident) on the internet and then YEARN for the woman in real life to ‘take control.’
Some of the ones that want control on a phone sex call are actually looking for a sexually assertive woman.
I agree with you that kink people are the ones that tend to be adventurous …. maybe not in EVERYTHING …. but, if you look carefully they are the ones who are dancing (or kneeling) to the beat of a different drum elsewhere in life. I’m thinking of your book example. (LOL sorry, you mention books or anything that makes Me laugh and off I go, digression in progress).
i have read “The Poet” Ms. Olivia. in fact, i finished it for the 2nd time in November. & i agree, its a marvelous surprise ending. i was drawn to that series in the first place, simply by the concept of an L.A. homocide detective named after one of my favorite painters, lol. its a conceit that could have worn thin quickly & Connelly was wise enough to give us a layered, nuanced character for the ages. as an aside, i’m terrified of seeing “The Lincoln Lawyer.” i’m not sure what i expected Bosch’s half-brother to look like, but it wasn’t Matthew McConaughey, lol. (You see, You’re not the only one who can streak off on a tangent at the drop of a hat!)
& i agree about many find the “Femdom” fantasy on the net. however, there’s another segment, i think myself included, that find a name for what we’ve felt all along…not in a 24/7 BDSM sense, but in terms of an intelligent, confident, assertive Woman to adore, cherish, & defer to.
@ coffeeboy I haven’t seen Lincoln Lawyer for just that reason! LOL I was expecting more of a ….. hmmmmm…….beat up and gravely kind of guy. Often books are better than movie if I’ve already read the book. Glad to hear you like The Poet!
Oh YES! And, you are not alone in wanting to find the object of your Adoration! I think of submission as a Gift! And Myself as the One who is honored by the worship. It’s a privilege not a right. The exchange is what I relish!
the most resent example of my source of apprehension was the movie “Shooter.” it was based on “Point of Impact” by Stephen Hunter, who used to be the film critic for The Washington Post. the central character was named Bob Lee Swagger, a retired Marine Gunnery Sargent & sniper. They cast Mark Wahlberg in the role, which was absolutely unbelievable, given he didn’t look like he needed to shave, lol. i was utterly disappointed.
i love & heartily believe in that term the “Gift of Submission.” its something i don’t do lightly. and one, that if matters extend beyond one phone call (or visit) i treat it as a gift.
ahhhh coffeeboy …. YES ! The Gift of Submission is NEVER to be treated lightly …. whether in a phone sex call or anywhere else!