I get My blog topics from a variety of sources: personal experience, current events, art, science, literature, phone sex calls, odd stuff I’m thinking about and, of course, your blog comments!
Blog comment inspired this post
Mylene posted a comment that contained a chat room exchange with magnus. mylene asked magnus if her comments had answered his question about crossdressing, transgender and kink. (The original post points out that not all panties are the same.)
Mylene caught My attention by saying, “What turns me on, the kink, as we say, is being submissive, and i have no problem doing it with a man or a women. It doesn’t matter to me even if on the romantic level, i have no attraction to men. Add that to the fact that i’m not interested in “regular” sex. the gay/bi/straight question is completly blurred.
magnus: There is a difference between submission and romance. I understand that …. It’s not about (romantic) attraction.”
Romance in kink relationships can look different
A kink relationship will likely have a different *look* of romance, but the romance is there! There are some wonderful BDsm books that speak to this: ‘Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns’ and ‘Different Loving’ are two titles that immediately that come to mind.
While submission might not be associated with ‘romance’ in the vanilla world, for a kinky relationship (that is more than simply play partners) romance will need to be there. After all, this IS a relationship. Even on phone sex calls romance is important. Way more people call for sensual Femdom and sensual cock teasing than for hardcore Female ‘superiority.’
How important is Romance?
Ms Layla did a recent blog post about how a Mistress makes callers feel special. Along with that theme, Layla also did a poll on our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire asking fellow kinksters about the importance of romance. The overwhelmingly majority said, romance is critical. Ms Layla and Ms Delia will feature the topic on this week’s Hot Spot, this Friday at 9 pm est.
In any relationship there isn’t the *set formula* for romance. One of the most *romantic* things My guy has done for Me was send Me a simple (easy to operate) MP3 player fully loaded with music I love. This was when I was in Florida with Ally and trying to work out to BLEH gym tunes over the speakers. I’d left My ipod at home and was bereft! For another woman, it’s flowers for her birthday but for Me, it’s music and books! The romance was that he took HOURS to comb through all his music (LOTS!) and choose just the right tunes that he knew I would love! I DID! Romance is contextual and individual.
IM Chat with a Mistress about kink & romance
What follows is an IM Chat I had with Ms Delia about the weekly Hot Spot topic of Romance and Kink.
Ms Delia 1-800-601-6975Olivia: Knock knock, you there …. Oh Delicious Delia?
Delia: Why hello Ms. Olivia!! Nice to see you today!
Olivia: Hi there! I saw Layla’s poll on EE about this week’s Hot Spot show! GREAT poll! And I’ve got some questions for you. Do you have a minute to chat ?
Delia: Sure, ask away!
Olivia: Great! You know……the issues of romance and kink and relationships are all GREAT topics.
Delia: Yes it is! It is also overlooked.
Olivia: I know you are kinky in real life, not just as a phone sex Mistress …..what are your thoughts on romance and kink? I don’t want to steal the whole show, but why did y’all pick the topic and what attracted you to this?
Delia: Well, I have to tell you my cockradio show, The Enchantrix Eavesdropper was all mushy last night, and those in chat learned my pet name. Basically we got into a hearty discussion in chat, and everyone agreed that romance is essential not just to a kink relationship, but also to any relationship. What attracted us to this topic was that it is so often overlooked. People hear “Femdom relationship” and immediately think hardcore. We wanted to discuss the truth behind it all.
Olivia: What do you mean by the truth behind it all? That’s an interesting turn of phrase…..but then you are interesting and you give very good phrase turns. *wink*
Delia: Well, I think if anyone watches kink porn or reads kink novels, the fantasy of 24/7 is there. But, there is so much more behind it.
Reality of kink relationships
So, the reality is with my sub, we pass as any ordinary couple, except that he may have chastity and a rope harness on under his clothes when we go out.
Also, we both work in vanilla land, and have to “do” life. So, really if we don’t make time for play and for romance, things can wither.
I think care and consideration, respect and kindness, and so much more play into keeping a kink or any relationship thriving and alive.
It can be the little things too. A smile, a nickname, a text, flowers, a foot rub, really anything the other person likes.
That is the part that most people forget when thinking of a Femdom relationship. It’s not all whips and chains!
Reaction to a peek inside love life of a Mistress
After The Enchantrix Eavesdropper cock radio show last night, I got IMs and comments that the exchange between jacknjerk and me was sweet, and made me more “real”. I found that pretty amazing. One said, “I did not realize The Pain Mistress could have feelings like that!” So, The Weekly Hot Spot show will be all about how there can be a balance between romance and kink.
If anyone wants to friend jacknjerk, he is on Enchantrix Empire.
My legs, his back.
I do hope people come to the show. It should be a great discussion!!
Olivia: OMG …… is he your guy?
Delia: He is.
Olivia: I posted an IM conversation with My guy as well….peek inside the love life of Mistress.
Delia: Aww
Olivia: The guys went NUTS ….. they loved the look at a real life IM with us! And one of the things they said was that it was *sweet* ….. same word you just used.
Delia: Yes!!
Olivia: I wonder what some of the guys think our real life D/s relationships are actually LIKE! For example, I really do NOT go to the store in thigh high boots!
Delia: That’s exactly why we are doing the show. We’re going to invite Mistresses to the show who are in a kink relationship just to show the guys that we are more real. I think it lends credibility to us.
Olivia: YES ! We really ARE people/women…..not just cardboard cutouts of ‘Femdom’. I’ll be there Friday, 9pm est, if I’m not on a call! Ironically I’m leaving early the next morning for a long weekend with My guy…
Delia: Cool!! Awww.
Olivia: A kinky play party, family cookout, music, a show and maybe baseball. LOL It really IS the mix of things.
Delia: Nice!
Olivia: I think that’s the KEY to any of this…..the MIX.
Delia: Sounds like one of our weekends! YES!! Mix and balance
Olivia: *nods* …… all kink would get just as boring for me/Me as all vanilla. I like some NUTS in my ice cream! LOL
Delia: lol
Olivia: I’m really looking forward to The Weekly Hot Spot …. see you Friday at 9pm est! Thanks for talking with me! And HI to your guy jack!
To meet Ms Delia and her real life submissive jack, take a look at The Pain Mistress. If you’ve ever wondered how a phone sex Mistress does anal training then you’ll find your answer in scene thoughts and responses from Ms Delia’s jack.
Questions for YOU!
What do you think our lives are like? Do you like getting an *inside peek* inside the real life relationships of a Mistress? What are YOUR thoughts about romance and kink? As always feel free to digress.
Ms Olivia
Romance has always been hugely important to me. What I’ve discovered recently is that, for me, the desire for both chastity and service-oriented submission is fueled by the deep romantic desire inside of me.
Thank you for another wonderfully educational blog post, and I will certainly be tuning into the Hot Spot show on this topic.
*nods* I can totally get that about you slave j …. you even LOOK romantic! Like a classic image of ….. hmmmmm…..let Me think …. like the Baroque nobleman, that’s what comes to mind (hope you like that image because that is what popped into My head).
I can’t wait for the Weekly Hot Spot with Ms Layla and Ms Delia …. this is going to be a great show!
Speaking of BDSM books on the topic of real D/s relationships, I recently read a wonderful book called “Uniquely Rika.” In it Ms. Rika describes the 24/7 service-slave relationship she has with her husband.
She describes it as a layered relationship, where the core relationship has all the elements that any real relationship needs (mutual respect, caring, give/take, etc.). The service-slave aspect is a layer on top, in which servicing her needs and making her life easier is his pleasure. The relationship she describes feels both very D/s and very romantic to me.
It’s a great book for those trying to understand the possibilities of a real Mistress/slave relationship.
@ slavemind I haven’t read Uniquely Rika but that description of the layers of the Owner/slave – Dominant/submissive relationship really rings true for Me. I hadn’t heard it expressed that way, but that’s lovely! Frankly, that sounds like ANY really good solid relationship …. I have those mutual respect layers with all My valued relationships and that includes the ones via our phone sex community! Then to add on to that….the wicked spice of each individuals particular kink, fetish or erotic desires ….. ohhhhh !
I met a 24/7 Owner/slave couple like you describe at a play party … the were co-leading a class on BDsm and the experience of watching them play was electric and unforgetable! They actually were instrumental in changing My view of 24/7 Owner/slave relationships. When it’s good, it’s REALLY good! When it’s not …. (it’s a lousy vanilla marriage with big boy toys….BLEH!)
*laughing* I just did a search on Baroque nobleman images, and came up with a lot of guys in white wigs and big stiff collars. Don’t know if that is what you had in mind *big grin* But the women were dressed in these huge dresses with low cut bodices – pretty sexy though it would be hard to get close to them with dresses that stick out 3 ft in all directions.
~laughs~ Well….you’ve got a really GOOD point there slavemind!
Hmmmmm ….. the strangest thing is that google searches (and reality) often do NOT match up to the visuals in My head! Wow, I just re-read that sentence! ~laughs~ I am NOT a nut! BUT ….. I will say that like most creative people I can make leaps and connections that aren’t the *direct* reality representations. Which is why I’m perfect for the creativity of phone sex.
I imagine you in the lush sweet sensuality of a Jane Austen type of movie made during the modern era. The sensual linguistic style of, say, Isabelle Allende. Creative juxtaposition of black and white mixed with splashes of color like in the movie Sin City.
You are wearing….hmmm…..a collar and……~laughs~ ….nothing more!
Hi MsOlivia! I have never thought that Femdom and romance are mutually exclusive. Why, I can easily picture presenting You with a beauitful bouquet of roses before You strap my naked body to a St. Andrew’s Cross, telling You how the glint from Your thugh-high spike-heeled boots offsets the color of Your eyes, and sharing a candle-lit dinner before having those same candles drip wax on my sensitive nipples. 😉
OK, no removing tongue in cheek here, this goes along a lot with things I’ve said before. In particular, a Domme is a person (and so is a sub for that matter). Those in a real relationship, i.e. not the Pro-Domme scenario, have a relationship, something to be worked on. Real people need more than just the kink time. It’s part of them, but it’s not their whole. And something else too. Depending on them, there’s a very good chance there’s love there too, fondness at the very least. Doing nice little things for one another to show appreciation is something we all like, and why should this relationship be any different? Some couples like sports together or traveling together, and some enjoy kink together. They are still couples, still people with vanilla needs too. I agree that a relationship based on one thing would wither too and a fresh relationship with many things thrives.
*squirms* That is a LOVELY visual magnus! ALTHOUGH, just so you know, I’m not much of a roses gal …. LOL …. wild looking bunches of in season flowers are more My style. Music and/or books ALWAYS works!
Now, what I thought of when reading that was an amazing scene with My guy…..it was an artificial torch flickering (not a real candle) in the darkened play space …. his wrists cuffed, hooked above his head…..he was facing a mirror but I had room to be able to circle him ….. and …… ~laughs softly~
ohhhhh……poor sweet magnus. Literally left you *hanging* didn’t I?
ps I know you let a really sweet comment about REAL romance in real relationships that include kink play. I’ll respond to that in the next blog post. I love our community here and the phone sex venue that brought us all together.
LOL MsOlivia, now Ypu have me squirming. And well, if I am to be left hanging, You are certainly the one who would know how to do it properly.
@ magnus……hanging…..dangling….tormented…….*blissfully happy*
*wink*
First off, that is a seriously hot picture!
Second, for me hearing details about your life is great. It’s like a peek behind the curtain and it makes it seem like a relationship with someone that say and kinky and fun is possible. I don’t mean that it makes me believe a relationship with you or a particular mistress is possible, but that women like you do exist out in the real world.
I guess that sort of leads to the romance part. There is a line between fantasy and reality, but it doesn’t mean that elements of both can’t cross,or that both can’t exist with the same person.
*nods* @ wellspanked ….. I’m so glad you got a chance to leave a comment! Thank you!
Here’s a dandy teaser for you……
as soon as I finish the new blog post, look for another peek behind the curtain of My love life!
And, continuing on the theme of real life relationships, I just got an IM from a crossdresser who is going to call with his WIFE! His wife is not only supportive of his erotic and fetish needs, but she is also learning more about it by joining him in calling the Experienced Mistress phone sex line! I’ll post the IM about phone sex for couples asap!
*What do you think our lives are like?*
i read this and wonder why i would think that Yours’ are any different than the rest of *us,* except maybe that since communication is so crucial to D/s, if D/s is a core element of Your relationship, there’s bound to be some communication spillover into all of the varied aspects of Your lives…and that is a wonderful thing.
*Do you like getting an *inside peek* inside the real life relationships of a Mistress?*
of course i do, Ms. Olivia. it provides an inkling of *the art of the possible.* like any other sets of relationships, Yours provide insights, not only into downright successes, but in coping with frustrations, petty annoyances, and the like. there is no such thing as too much illumination into the human condition. 😉
*What are YOUR thoughts about romance and kink?*
dare i use that word again, Ms. Olivia….continuum? lol. i really think that it applies here as well. there’s no reason why, at one end of the spectrum, two individuals can’t coalesce for a shared moment of meeting “kinky” needs once or serially, as the kink equivalent of *one-night stands* or *fuck buddies.* at the other end, every little thing in a relationship has the potential to be imbued with romance. is there any difference, really, between entering chastity for Your Domme and the the chaste love immortalized in ballads from *The Age of Chivalry?* although my ex & i were as vanilla as extract in our relationship, i still managed to express my submissive nature in the romance of the daily. she was a Master Gardener & loved puttering. i built her herb garden, i attended the day to day. as i described it to others, she was the artist…i prepared and cared for her canvas. after the marriage, the first woman i had a relationship (with elements of D/s & Wicca) with expressed a fondness for Shakespeare. i happened to stumble upon a website, where you could sign up to have a sonnet e-mailed to you each day. i signed up to receive it myself. and each day, for the duration of O/our relationship, i’d take that Shakespearean sonnet, tailor it for She & i, and send it on to her. i’m sure i did Willie a great disservice!
*nods* @ coffeeboy …..
You’re right on target….we do have a close and intimate relationship in large part because of the D/s and kink need for communication. But, frankly, I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t very straightforward in his communication and if he couldn’t handle My straightforward (sometimes BLUNT) way of communicating. I find *squirmy* communication really ….. well, frustrating …. LOL I’m fine if someone has trouble communicating and I’ve endless patience with that. But, if I intuitively know someone knows what they want but they want me to say or do things that are really THEIRS to *own* …. well, then I tend to lose interest in the conversations.
As soon as I get the post written, you’ll see another peek inside My love life. 🙂
Use “continuum’ all you like coffeeboy!!!! As you can tell, I’m a BIG FAN of that word as well! I LOVE what you called the “romance of the daily.” Ahhhhhh !!! And, in any relationship it is the DAILY things that will make or break the intimacy level of the relationship.
I LOVED your example of the woman with the fondness for Shakespeare and how you sent her sonnets each day. That is SOOOOO romantic. My guy sends Me music but the romance is the same!
I now your use of the term Willie is short for William (Shakespeare) but….I got to giggling about the term willie on a phone sex blog and now I have to go ~laugh~ !!!!
Dear Milady Olivia,
Aaron Jacobsen here. I read your romance blog the other night and it got me thinking. I have been in a unique mood lately and the blog took me to a random tangent of thought.
While this was floating in my head I was on IM with Milady Ann and that was around 3:00 am or so. I am finishing up my second week of vacation.. sooo enjoying myself.
And why do these type of conversations happen late , late at nite?? Another one of those famous “2:00 am deeply intimate conversations” or that is what I call them chuckling ruefully.
In my perspective I think it is because the emotional part of the brain pushes back the rational part, for you are speaking to someone you trust.
The thoughts were this. That I might have a sneaking suspiciousness that if one asked that I am definitely at least a “switch” / sub. But my thoughts went back to the blog on Romance and Kink. And I was curious to know if indeed that is who I am, when I ever do get in a relationship again, would the lady be “content” just to be exclusive with me to be romantic and enjoy kink, and not need to involve another individual F or M, for I know from my past that I would not be able to handle that.
At least am able to realize that insecurity about me, for I would want somebody that I could trust, and that right now is a “HUGE” factor.
And again my thoughts floated back to the conversation in the blog between you and Milady Delia, that if I understood correctly, that you both have a significant male other, that loves you.. if I may say that, and that they trust you, as they realize the dynamics of the relationships you have.
Paraphrasing Milady Ann here, she basically said yes one can have an exclusive domme / sub / switch relationship the involvement of both romance and kink. Well me knowing me I purposely put romance first.
I was curious about what your thoughts were, on this random tangent that your blog / conversation dialog with Milady Delia brought to the surface with me. I hope I did not respectively tread over lines about the feelings of you significant male partner.
Plus if you want to throw this message to Milady Delia as well I have no problems with that either.
Aaron
Hi Aaron! Thank you so much for posting this. I think you’ve got some amazing points and I’m THRILLED you get the *wee hours* writing urges! In fact, this is so good that I’m going to put this into a blog post and then answer there!
THANK YOU !!!!! Look for this next week 🙂
ps…..I think you Milady salutation is soooooooo ROMANTIC!
Wonderful post as always Ms. Olivia! One thing i wanted to explore was whether and how being in an openly kinky relationship (where you are openly kinky with your partner) could increase the romance. This was in a different post, but you said that having to “talk to one another” can really increase the intimacy and that seems very romantic to me.
Thank you for leaving a comment gMan!
My experiences (in life and on phone sex) continue to reinforce My innate conviction that all things flourish in sunlight and clarity of communications.
I’m still a fan of privacy and have respect for boundaries (mine, yours and more where appropriate). Where there is close communication (like needs to be there in kinky relationship) that ability to communicate tends to flow into non-kink areas….to the benefit of ALL!
then, Ms. Olivia, You’ll get a great kick out of my full nickname for Shakespeare = Willie the Shake!
So basically You’re saying You are self-selectiing in the communication arena. Please be aware that the male psyche can be a veritable minefield. The ex & i communicated well early on, but one ostensibly minor incident crippled it. we had agreed to relocate to minimize my travel, which had been upwards of 60% annually. we agreed on the location, which, purely by accident, was her hometown in the solid South. it turned out her hometown wasn’t particularly amenable to women in her profession & i came home one day to a locked bedroom door & the sounds of her sobbing on the other side. i was devastate that i had failed so badly to *make her happy*. i couldn’t find the words to convey to her the hurt i felt for letting her down so badly. we returned to DC not long after that, but that moment in time just festered within me & seemed to infect everything else. the one time we did have a serious discussion about it, her response was “Get over it!” which by then was easier said than done.
Woah coffeeboy! Ahhhhh…..I hear you! I don’t think MEN are the only ones who have that “veritable minefield” …. that’s probably part of the screwup potential inherent in flawed human beings.
I’ve admittedly had very few *goofed* calls in phone sex, but those that I do are easily repaired in communication. In my personal life, you’re right, I AM self-selecting …. LOL …. I’m a big fan of acknowledging the goof, agreeing on a solution that works for both people and then moving on to something that is more interesting and exciting. In that sense, self forgiveness is as important (and sometimes more important) than merely forgiving the other person. Does that make sense?
it makes perfect sense, Ms. Olivia. and in many ways, even now, self-forgiveness is harder for me to achieve than forgiving others. i’m my own toughest critic & that often makes me my own worst enemy.
ahhhhh now coffeeboy…….~laughs~ ….. the journey of and to SELF-forgiveness IS perhaps the journey of life.