What does Mistress enjoy?
There are so many terms used in BDsm that it can seem like a foreign country. In a way it is … we do go to fantasy land and have a wonderful, kinky vacation! Mistress was the same when when I started learning about kink and fetish play. We have created a really great Library of Kink essays if you’d like to take a look.
Let’s talk about some of the terms of BDsm. I identify as a switch. That means I’m comfortable in various roles in fetish and kink play. The “position” I’m in (in real life or on a call) depends on what is agreed during our conversations about the fetish scene play. I’m going to primarily talk about these definitions in terms of phone sex, since we’re not going to meet in person.
Communication is key to ANY good relationship
Phone sex is similar to real life fetish play in that we both have a conversation about needs, desires and limits. A good Domme always asks her submissive what he or she is interesting in doing. What makes phone sex different is this: although I am the Dominant Mistress, part of My role here is to give you what you want and what you pay for in the call. I don’t consider this topping from the bottom, although each Mistress is different in her style. Ms Violet has an excellent essay on topping from the bottom and communication with your Mistress. The bottom line is that you can’t be ‘at My mercy’ if I don’t know what makes you tick.
My various roles in Power Exchange scenes
Dominant: I love being the Femdom who gets into your head (and more) with a creative erotic scenario that whips you all around the roller coaster of submissive emotions! The give and take of the Power Exchange is a rush for both of us. Sometimes it’s totally in the realm of sexual roleplay and sometimes there’s a blending of real life cock control or wicked erotic humiliation assignments. I can give you a wicked mindfuck or be the sensual Domme who torments you as you beg for release. In all of these scenarios there is the element of power exchange between the Dominant (Me) and the one who submits (you).
Switch: I am a switch and that means I will also be the submissive on the call. Note! Not every Mistress will do this! Be sure to check with her first. I do have more limits in terms of what kinds of Domination I ‘will’ submit to, so that’s always an important conversation to have if you’re interested in that.
Top / bottom: This is where the power between the two of us is basically equal but one person is designated as the ‘leader’ (Top) and the other is the follower (bottom) in a specific scene.
What are YOU? How do you describe yourself?
Ms Olivia
Hi MsOlivia! I certainly consider myself a submissive. I don’t think the dominant role suits me. Could I do it? I’d say yes but my heart would not really be in it. I think a big part of the submissive role is it allows one to be used and to give up control especially when they are expected to be in control of so many things in the other portions of their life. That certainly makes sense to me.
I do have a question though about switches and how You see Yourself in that role. I tend to think there are two kinds of switches. There is the type who’ll decide day to day, scene to scene perhaps, whether they want to be Domme or sub, and there is the kind that may want to sub to a specific person (perhaps more of a full time Domme) and Domme another specific person (this time the full time sub). This is my own observation only and even then there can certainly be blurring of the lines. As You had mentioned in a previous post, everyone is unique. Does this jibe at all with how You see things and/or how You see Yourself in that spectrum?
Hi magnus…..loved your comment/question about BDsm and switches. Hmmmmm……I know for Me I’m more Dominant. I don’t need or have to be “in control” in life or love and I’m a FIRM believer in respectful behavior (others and, most certainly MINE). I like boundaries and limits. I like clarity and overt communication. So, I guess in that sense I’m more Domme but I think some of that nature is by default because of ‘mushy’ relationship styles. In a sense I became the natural leader in life almost by default but that’s almost a “which came first, the chicken or the egg” kind of sentiment.
In kinky sex I DO like blurring the lines! I don’t sub for ‘just anyone.’ I don’t do that even on phone sex calls. So, to answer your question, I’m person specific in the submissive role. I like to sub for fellow switches because they ‘get’ the nuances of the switch.
Intuitively I’m more Femdom than submissive anyway.
My guy is like you….in an earlier blog post he mentioned that he’s more submissive in nature. I see that for sure sexually but I disagree with him about his ‘nature.’ He’s not ‘showy’ about his strength so I think he sometimes discounts it. I see that a lot. Personally, I think it takes internal fortitude, strength of character and a wicked curiosity to be a male submissive.
That’s a long answer…….~laughs~…..which I know, SHOCKS you! But, you’re right…..I know of some people who are scene by scene switches and some who are a switch only to a special person. Sometimes the Domme just wants to bottom so it can ‘look’ like a switch but BE more about sensation play without having to think. I love that too and will do THAT much more often then be a submissive.
Does that make sense? ~laughs~ So MANY nuances!
Hey enough with the blogging already, go fetch Master Hank a nice cold beer.
Sorry, I’ve had this “beer dumped on head/severe beating from Mistress” fetish for years.
LMAO @ Master Hank ……. I’m laughing at this memory: I was in college, working at a pizza place, this guy starts WHISTLING at Me like a DOG to bring him another pitcher of beer. Slllllloooooooooooowwwwww boil. I got the beer, dumped it on his head ….. gave My, ahem, NOTICE effective at that moment.
Now, how in the world do we do your beer dumped on head fetish on phone sex? Hmmmmmm……..let Me think about that one!
hi Mistress Olivia,
great idea for a question about how we see ourselves,i do adore serving a Mistress who is dominant and takes charge of a role play session, but i know i like to throw a few ideas in there for Her to run with. like many i have my favourite ticks and i really enjoy it when a Mistress includes these – does these mean i have a dominant side? – not in this type of play i think more a case of maybe i like to go down a certain path? but then i love to explore new scenarios as You well know Mistress – this has given me something to consider
speak soon , i hope
Your devoted slut
starbaby xxx
Hi starbaby !
Thank you for posting your comment! I don’t think the conversation about what you WANT in a session or for any kind of sex fetish is an assertion of ‘dominance.’ In fact, a personal pet peeve in life and with phone sex is the person who doesn’t OWN and SAY what they want. It’s a set up for failure of the sex call because despite all My amazing powers, mind reading, is not one of them.
What I like is a brief (PG if it’s the free IM chat) set up that says, “I want you to make me do naughty things like this and this and this.” I LOVE THAT! Unless a person has a specific script in mind, then tell Me the script. If someone is shy, I’ll ask questions and the most reticent man will generally TELL Me in an atmosphere of lovingkiness and acceptance.
I’m even fine with someone who doesn’t know WHAT he wants or how to get it and I’ll try different things. IF he doesn’t LIKE what I do or how I do it (after the second time we play), it will then become his responsibility to TELL ME what he wants (and therefore OWN that he wants it). If he can’t or won’t do that, but still wants to do sessions (with the free time processing of complaints after) then we are not a match. His nature and mine are not effective playmates. This BTW, has happened only twice in talking with hundreds of men, crossdressers and sissies over three and a half years. I’m not sure how many people I’ve talked with, but it’s got to be way over the 1,000 mark.
YOU dear sweet SLUTTY, naughty starbaby are (as you should know) one of My favorites because we’ve talked and shared and explored. THAT does not mean you have a dominant sexual side (which you do NOT you rascal!)…..that means you’re clear in your kinkiness and have an adventurous soul. You have always been such a FUN kinky sex playmate. NOW BEND OVER YOU bitch-boi and TAKE IT! ~laughs~ *wink*
For me I really do not know, maybe a little bit of both to be honest. But I do know this after reading your polls and still trying to think of an answer since they are deep polls, I try to create an atmosphere of sensuality. Even during a call, I want the Milady to take off that mantle of Mistress, to be herself, and to enjoy her, for being her, so she can relax and step back.
That IS My goal where that falls in this blog or the latest poll about sensuality I truly do not know. I do know it is about trust. To me in real life if I ever pursue that situation, it is important that it is equal pleasure, hers is first of course, just do to the fact it is polite and considerate to pleasure a woman’s desire first, to build up and create an experience for her, if that means that she is “top” or Domme, that is fine, but also it would be nice to share that sensual erotic pleasure with me as well, so WE both enjoy and create a deeper meaningful sexual sensual bonding together, for each other’s pleasure.
I know I am trying to straddle the fence, I think it is possible to have both ways for both partners… it is easy to write this down, without experiencing first hand, but to actually be brave enough to try in real life, with trust etc… I think there would need to be a lot of conversation first, and that would hopefully not take away from anything… but hopefully make it much more deeper emotionally and lovingly in deeper life if the lady is your girlfriend / wife.
I hope this made some sense…
Actually Aaron, your comments sound like My real life relationship…..so I know for a fact that it IS possible. And we talked about music for MONTHS and MONTHS before moving into other areas. We clicked as people first. I think any relationship has to have a basis in MUTUAL attitudes, needs (wants, desires), commitments, etc.
So…..for you…..beyond ANY kinky sex stuff I see you as needing to be with a woman who will ACCEPT the Gift of sensuality, love, attention, etc. It seems like a no-brainer that someone would WANT that from their partner…..but I’m surprised at how difficult it is for some people to accept GIFTS. ((Just like I’m surprised at how hard it is for some people to GIVE.))
Being a giver is not automatically ‘better’ than being a ‘taker’ …. or vice versa ….. The two people just have to match one another. So, if one person LOVES to give, find someone who loves to GET what you love to give. It’s the same thing even with phone sex, I don’t fret if I don’t match up with someone, I work with them to find a Mistress that WILL match what they need/want.
YOU Aaron are a total catch. Please don’t EVER worry about lots of conversation taking away from any potential hotness. I’d say you NEED conversations like I do. If it takes away from anything then you aren’t a match, that’s okay. There are superficial relationships that work for superficial people. You’re not. I’m not. Don’t EVER settle!
i really don’t have to ponder this, Ms. Olivia. i AM a submissive to the marrow of my bones. it doesn’t mean that i can’t be stubborn. it doesn’t mean that i’m going to just roll over for anyone or take a bunch of guff from anyone.
what it does mean is that for as long as i can recall i’ve been driven by a need to please…and to know i’ve pleased, even if its just a pat on the head via Twitter. 😉
@ coffeeboy…..YES ! The common misconception is that submission is a *weak* act ….. I, for one, think that it take a strong man to submit. I have noticed that even on phone sex submissive scenes……the best subs are willing to LET the Mistress lead….it’s a dance, just like in dancing one person leads, the other follows or else the feet get tangled up and the dance collapses. That’s where the negotiation comes in — WHICH DANCE do we do?
Thanks for the “Library of Kink” link! I wasn’t aware of it.
I identify myself as a sub. I have had fantasies where I’m dominant (usually involving tickling) but for me, they are never quite as fun and I often end up feeling a little guilty. I don’t know if I would ever be able to actually play the role of dominant in a real life (or phone) scenario, even if I knew it was what she wanted. For me, in power play giving up control is just so much more fun than taking it!
And yes, the terms in BDSM are quite confusing to me, especially since it seems some terms mean different things in different contexts or used by different people.
Hi Alice! Now, that’s interesting…….can you tell Me more about the guilt when you’re in the more Dominant role? I’m curious.
You mentioned fantasy….were these in phone sex fantasy sessions?
I love all the BDsm terms and individualized nuances……..SINCE they are soooooooooo different (ie the same word used to mean different things) I always check to see how the other person is using the term……..so I know their definition and we’re on the same page. Same thing with sessions really. One person might say I want to be Dominated. I’ll ask, what does that mean to you? Everything is individual 🙂
I am a total switch. For me any sort of bdsm or domainant/submissive activities are 100% for sexual fun. Not to say that it can’t be taken seriously and that I’ve been in relationships where I stayed in one role or the other, but it’s about who I’m with. If the person I’m with gets no thrills from topping, or even wanting to try than I’m happy to stay on that side. But for me, topping, bottoming, and everything in between are toys in the toy chest and it’s fun to get them all out at one time or another.
Along those lines, I also appreciate that for many people it goes deeper than that. And that’s where, “getting into someone’s head” from either side becomes more than just fun. Fufilling emotional and sexual needs can go hand in hand. One thing I have not been able to do is stay 100% in a “role” in and out of sexual situations. One woman I was with wanted this, and while I could understand what she wanted I couldn’t keep up being “master” 100% of the time. More on that if people are interested.
*waves hands* YO! I’m interested! Tell Me/me and us more! ~laughs~ Did you expect ANY LESS? ~laughs~
I understand about that reluctance to be 100% of the time in the role of Dominant. I also get that on phone sex calls. And, some of that is okay…..but then, I shy away when the other person wants that sort of attention outside of sessions. It *can* get very invasive and just plain too much. I know I would not WANT to sustain that in any sort of real life relationship. I like My submissive to respect boundaries and limits and also to be “well” emotionally. While I like to be *served*…. making ALL the decisions for someone else is just a little ……. ahem…….well, that’s not Me in real life and it a dumb business strategy for a career. ~laughs~ And, I do tend to balance and reveal BOTH here on the blog 🙂
ok fine, twist my arm. So I was dating this girl and things were good, mutual friends, etc. Some of our friends made comments to me that she was a little nuts be we were enjoying eachother. After a little bit, as things heated up in the (bedroom, and living room, and shower, you get the picture) I thought, “this is great”. She was very quick to say that being submissive turned her on. She liked to be tied up and taken, she liked being spanked and whipped, above all else she loved her nipples pulled, clamped, bit, whatever. Now being a switch I had to let some things go, like getting spanked myself, although I would occassionally say things like, show me how you want me to do that by doing it to me first. So I got to feel a few whacks now and then. Also as we moved on to things like commanding her to do things, strip for me, or to do things that prolonged getting pleasure like, “yes we will have sex, after you fold and put away all of those clothes. If it’s not done well, you will be spanked.” All in good (really good) fun. Then it moved on outside of sex too. She wanted to have reminders of her submission all the time. She wanted me to tell her to wear certain things, or not. She loved it if I did something like tieing a thin rope around her chest, neck, back, and arms. Not enought to restric movement or cutoff circulation, just there, and then have her dress and wear it all day. Sometimes things like that were fun too, but not really as much for me. I was ok with it though, she liked it, wanted it, and it made her horny!
Then it moved onto other things, like me ordering food for her, and her wanting me to order what “I thought she should eat to be healthy”. So when we weren’t together, or she ordered for herself she would order, “the opposite”, and then later wanted to be “punished for it”. Well I was perfectly willing to punish her for no reason at all, but this made it more “real” in her head. The last step was her doing thing to get punished that really were just stupid. Going out with other people on nights we were supposedly getting together (basically standing me up), or flirting with guys (and I think more than flirting). Basically, as long as I was willing to “punish” her, she was guilt free in doing whatever she wanted. So it was her rationalization of acting how ever she wanted. Well, I got tired of it pretty quick, and broke up with her. I didn’t try the game of, if she were really submissive than she would do what I say, and then be really domineering, or chaining her up at home. When I confronted her about it, she would say, then punish me and I’ll be good next time, but it was obvious what she was doing and wanted.
So this started out hot and went to blah…lol…but hey you asked for it.
~laughs~ THANK YOU so much for writing that wellspanked! I, for one, totally GET IT and the same thing will happen with some phone sex relationships. For example, I love, love, love to push agreed upon boundaries! That sort of edge play is lots of sexy, hot fun! BUT, I’m not so keen on having My boundaries pushed for the sake of being pushed to try and get Me mad or irritated to *manipulate* Me into punishment or humiliation or whatnot. I don’t LIKE getting real life irritated or mad! It’s negative energy and I’ve found that to be less than effective for accomplishing career and life goals.
Just like you mentioned, I’ll have meta conversations about it….ie, really TALK with the submissive and say something like,” this behavior does not work for Me because ….” I’ll always give a reason. That’s respectful. I’ll make sure the other person knows that I’m stating a real boundary and not playing in fetish sex mode. BUT, once I’ve articulated My boundaries, needs, etc for several times — if the behavior (which is really manipulation) continues, I’ll distance Myself. Safe, sane and consensual always includes MY consent! ~laughs~ I can almost SEE you nodding at that one wellspanked!
THANK YOU again for taking your time to write that…..I know these sorts of things are much easier to visualize when I’ve got a specific example to *peg* to the concept/issue/idea. Now bend over, I’m going to give you WELL DONE spanks for the wellspanked man! ~wink~
LOL…like I alwasy tell Human Resources. If you say “good game” when you smack someone on the ass, it’s not harrassment.
~laughs~ That’s soooooo politically incorrect wellspanked and just friggin’ FUNNY! Thank you 🙂
Im def submissive!!!How can I be dominent? I cant not even if I wanted to? Most guys/girls say im too nice to be mean. In our calls weve done Youve taken me shopping and tricked me into wearing bras/panties/dresses as well as put makeup/lipstick on me. How can I say no to you as well as be mean and dominant to you? I cant. Even though its fantasy its real to me. I havnt called in long time but in fall I think its time I start back. Im not sure if phone calls with you count as real relationship or not. But how many women would do to me what you do? Not many and you have to factor safety also. I think odds are 10% or lower on having regular women feminize me. Im really submissive to you MsOlivia and you do wear then pants in our relationship and I dont mind that you are the boss. How can I say no to you with you having me in bra/panty/lipstick as you slither upto me and give me lipstick kisses as well as rubbing lipstick in my cheeks to give me blush as well as lipstic im prints to remind me in your sissy lipstick lesbian lover.
I’m definatly a bottom. Can’t even see myself in another role. It just feels right when a woman takes command and give me orders.
*nods*
Yes froope…and a lovely bottom you are!
Dear Mistress Olivia… another winning blog topic from You!!!
i think that the question of switching questions is a really interesting. The female submissive purist in me likes to believe that i am submissive at all times but the truth is (for me) that the dynamic between two people in real life will actually calibrate the specifics of any sexual activity.
i identify as submissive and genuinely love the surrender to a woman and to the divine feminine, but i would be a liar if i claimed not to (on occasion) love the thrill of shifting gears halfway through a scene, and in a heartbeat finding that the dynamic has kind of quantum leapt into a new and equally exquisite paradigm.
i love how that can happen almost subliminally… by a thrust of one’s pelvis, the tensing of one’s fingers on an Other’s lower back, a whispered word or simply a nano second of eye contact in which each party agrees to boost the turbos and to reconfigure the para-meters.
i love how visceral this can be, how the chemical compositions of the juices transmute… how liquids become gas and how muscles turn to mush. In the graze of a nail on skin. How yin starts fucking yang for a turn. In the glimpse of one’s own body reflected in the window. Blood being pushed from the centre to every extremity and back. In a heart beat. How the masculine and feminine cartwheel like angels in the clouds. In the slightest dilation of the eye. Craving each other enough to create enough valence to keep a single raindrop or bead of sweat intact.
Sex … in other words 🙂
xoxoxox
chrissy
WOW chrissy!!!! Well said m’dear! *swoon*
I know your concerns about phone sex but I must say, I’d love to hear all that said in your *voice* and not just your written voice!
~laughs~ OH MY !
Your point is very well taken when you said, “the truth is (for me) that the dynamic between two people in real life will actually calibrate the specifics of any sexual activity.” As you know there are lots of blogs and comments about just this. I totally agree with you. I like the fluidity of relationships and when the energy starts flowing back and forth ….. why …… ANYTHING can (and often does) happen!
Thank you so much for writing that!
Dear Mistress Olivia,
It was an absolute pleasure writing my comment, as it always is reading Your blog posts. Thank You so much for including my comment among all the other great contributions.
~sighs longingly~ and OH YES! i would LOVE to hear Your voice too but until then lets just explore the meaning of tantric sex at its most extreme 🙂
Always with love,
chrissy
Thanks chrissy! HUGS!
I think the submissive role is the only role for me. I would definitely try to be dominant if my partner wanted but I would probably be really horrible at it…sort of like when I try to build things in my yard. I have always possessed a lot of sensitive qualities, so for me doing the opposite would exuse my french “fuck up my chi” I have always liked doing things for people, so being a submissive fits very well.
~laughs~ and we do NOT want to “fuck up your chi” dear sub matty! Seriously, you sound like My guy 🙂 Since you’re responding to this blog, you know that I’m a switch. One day he asked Me, “Do you want me to try and ….errrrm ….. dominate…..errrrm…..you?” I laughed and said nooooooo baby…..we’re good with Me in the Domme position! He goes, “Whew! Okay!” I’ll sometimes switch on a phone sex call and even rarer in real life …. but, I think each of us are in the roles we are meant to be in.