If you’re reading My blog, chances are you really ARE just a bit naughty! Â ~laughs~ Â I know I am! Â So, let’s talk about whether exploring your sex fantasies in phone sex puts you on some arbitrary naughty list.
Nice people also are kinky!
In My personal experience, some of the nicest people I’ve ever met are into kinky or “non-traditional” sex. Â In fact, the couples who are into fetish sex actually have to communicate *gasp* about all sorts of things. Â By and large, you don’t get the festering passive aggressive stuff you tend to get in relationships that avoid the difficult but important conversations. Â In order to talk about intimate things, you do need to BE intimate! Â (shocking, I know!)
Secret Sex Lives
I actually think that most people have sex fantasies that they don’t share with a partner.  I know y’all love giving Me cock control!  ~laughs~  And I love being in control!  Some of  you want to keep the various aspects of your life separate.  I see this with many married callers who love Femdom kink as a sort of sexual and psychic vacation.  For some it’s because you’re shy or embarrassed.  For all the straight men with cock sucking fantasies, you know you’re not talking to your female partner about that!
Crossdressers and Gender
Some of you know that the “nice” person you’re with would heap loads of judgment on you. Â (That doesn’t sound that nice to Me.) Â This can happen, obviously, with any category of sexual desire. Â I see this very often with crossdressers and trans women. Â The other people in your life might not understand about gender issues!
As this year draws to a close, what I want for YOU is this: Â That you continue to be nice ‘n naughty! Â You see, I don’t think the two are mutually exclusive! Â What do YOU think?
Ms Olivia
I totally agree. Thanks to you and Ms Violet toy both opened my eyes to kinkyness. I love you both for that. I think it’s the norm to be kinky. I font like or am interested in hardcore domination. Any chance you and Ms Violet interested in doing hot call for my birthday next Thursday? I think it’s long overdue the 3 of us do call together. I really think we are awesome 3 some with the 2 of you having way with me. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Merry Christmas to you also.
I’m on flexible hours during Christmas week. I do take appointments for an hour or longer that week. Send Me an email peter and we’ll talk more. Remember the appointment policy. Makes sense?
Your right. I’m thinking morning around 8 or 9 central time Thursday for hour any chance you can get Ms Violet to am call that day. I’ll email you Monday to set up time
Great! Looking forward to your email 🙂 and we’ll do our best!
Thank you Olivia, for making an important point. One of the things I struggle with acceptance of the part of myself that is kinky 🙂 Not being able to share is tough (the reasons for that are many and complex, but I’m sure anyone who has any experience of cross-dressing will have had to deal with that side of things at some point).
Personally, I find it difficult to separate the loneliness of struggling to find a place in my life to fit my need to dress – and what it means for my sexual self – from a feeling of guilt. However, I know that there’s no problem with my values as a person, and your post simply emphasises the point that it’s not ‘wrong’ to have a kink.
Accepting oneself – all of oneself – is one of the toughest and most important journeys anyone can embark on, IMHO. I’m not there yet, but you’ve helped a little bit along the way. So thanks for that!
Sara
xx
Sweet sara, thank you for your comment! I think the need to be understood (and accepted) is one of the most basic human needs. And, this need is not just with kink or sexual activity but with everything! I’ve known vegans who were absolutely frustrated because meat lovers thought they were fanatical about their diets.
Now, what you mentioned about struggling to find a place in your life to fit your need to dress is something that you share with many people who are actually in touch with their own legitimate sexual fantasies and desires. I count myself as really blessed because I do phone sex and therefore HAD to have realistic conversations about sex with my partner. Most people act like they’re happy with the little vanilla box they’re in. I don’t think they are….just witness the HUGE popularity of the series Shades of Grey! Once people see something is socially acceptable they’ll admit they like it too. It’s a safety in numbers kind of thing. I’ve seen various numbers for men who like to crossdress but it’s somewhere between 10 – 15% of the male population. That’s not a small number! I just wish more people could talk about it and be honest without facing the sting of judgment.
Alas, judgment almost seems to be the set point for human reaction when faced with anything that makes someone uncomfortable. Sad but true. I think with dressing, it’s generally best to keep private things private until and unless you really TRUST the reaction of people around you.
Thank you Olivia, this is what I love about your blog posts! This subject is fascinating and I could talk about it all day.
I’ve seen the figure you quote for cross-dressing before – as you say, it’s not a small number. As far as acceptance of oneself goes, part of my ‘problem’ is that I am, I think, more than averagely self-aware for my gender. I think there are two reasons for this – partly it’s because I have a feminine side to my persona, but it’s also because I have a mild depressive tendency. Over the years I’ve had to learn to deal with this, developing various coping strategies along the way. Like my dressing it’s a part of who I am – I can’t change it, but I can learn to live with it. In the process of doing that I’ve learnt a great deal both about myself and about the way I related to other people. It’s both a blessing and a curse, because it can cause a lot of introspection. And that can turn out well, or not so well…
I think I’m making solid progress in acceptance of myself, by me 🙂 The loneliness of dressing is somewhat alleviated by being able to share with people like you occasionally, but I’ve also REALLY enjoyed going to dressing services and being pampered for a few hours, revelling in feeling as womanly as I’m ever likely to experience. That’s wonderful, and it’s so nice to be able to do so in a non-judgemental atmosphere with a woman who clearly enjoys making me look and feel beautiful, if only for a few hours.
I wish it wasn’t so expensive, but I suppose I have to count it as a hobby and justify it to myself in that way!
sweet sara, I remember when you went to the crossdressing service! Actually when you sent the photos and you looked so happy and so content it brought tears to my eyes! I do agree with you that dressing in a community (even if only 1 other person) can make all the difference in the world.
As for your introspection. Ahhhhh yes. Who was it that said, an unexamined life is not worth living? Aristotle? Maybe Socrates? There are various spiritual traditions that have that. I do it several times a year, personally. Here’s the thing, you’re right, it IS difficult. Sometimes all of us face reality or truth that we just don’t want to be that way….but it is. There’s the Serenity Prayer that goes, (God or your higher power) grant me the ability to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. Introspection (for whatever reason) is the gateway to your own personal Wisdom. Remember, if it were EASY, everyone would be doing it! Sending you hugs!
No, it’s not easy, but I don’t mind that (it helps that I’m stubborn and determined!). I think the sense of loneliness is harder to deal with, but I’m probably doing better than I have done for a while in finding solutions to that.
One of the things I’ve learned along the way is that, as you’ve hinted, relatively few people are willing or able to make the space and time to ask themselves some searching questions. That’s fine – each to their own – but it does raise a fascinating question. Would we find that the prevalence of fetish interests is actually much wider than suspected, if everyone had the ability to be honest with themselves, their desires and needs?
Food for thought!
Dear Sara, I think the original Kinsey report on human sexuality back in the 1950’s really blew the lid off the whole sex secrets thing….so to speak LOL. I watched the Kinsey movie and then went back read more about the history. People were SHOCKED! Here was really the first time folks said actually what they wanted, fantasized about, and DID! It was a firestorm! We might LOOK like we’ve gotten more ‘open’ with sex and sexuality these days. Especially when you look at media images of sex all over the place. BUT, it’s raunchy within very narrow ‘boxes.’ I think the same is true. there are some things that people just don’t talk about and, if they do, they pretend they’re not “into” it. It’s like the line from Casablanca, “I’m shocked, SHOCKED to see gambling going on here!” ~laughs~
TRUST ME on this one…..you are NOT alone! That might not help with the loneliness but at least some of that is the essential loneliness that is part of being a thinking human. Dorothy Day’s autobiography was The Long Loneliness. Even Mother Theresa talked about being lonely. Most people who are thoughtful and introspective experience this. I know I do at times and sweetheart, I have the most fabulous life! And yet…..sometimes…..
Do you see what I mean?
We all keep making hand signals and see others through the glass darkly. Maybe it’s like combining the tart of balsamic vinegar with sweet berries. It’s the juxtaposition of the emotions of lonely and connected that we end up with a real appreciation when we DO find a connection! And we do, don’t we? THAT is real and doesn’t disappear when the loneliness comes (as it will) …. I’m a Bruce Springsteen fan and his latest album is called Wrecking Ball. Part of those lyrics are: “And hard times come, and hard times go.” Take a look at the lyrics. When life (or brain chemicals) send a wrecking ball, know that at some point things will change. Does that make sense?
Hi Olivia,
What a wonderful and thought-provoking reply 🙂 I saw the Kinsey film too, though it was a long time ago.
You’re absolutely spot-on about loneliness being, in essence, the flip-side of the contentment that can be found (I like your line about being a ‘thinking human’). I had a high school teacher once (no, not THAT one! ;)) whose response whenever a member of our class complained that something wasn’t fair was always the same. ‘Life’, she would intone, ‘is not fair’. Of course we all thought she was just being old and dull, but it’s funny how you sometimes remember these things later in life, isn’t it? Rough with the smooth, yin and yang… lots of different ways to express the same thing.
For various personal reasons my need to dress has been suppressed for several years. I don’t regret that decision – it was the right thing to do at the time. It’s nice, though, to have a little time and space to explore that side of me. I’ve accepted that it won’t go away. The next stage is to find some sense of peace with that outcome.
I’ll get there, eventually 🙂
I totally get the need to focus on other aspects of self (depending on life circumstances). And, I’m so glad that you’re not beating yourself up about that. This is what life is….a journey that is often full of stops and starts. I sometimes wonder what My life would have been like 20 years ago if I knew (then) the things I know now! ~laughs~ Actually, there’s probably a reason why everything happens in the time and place it happens in! Sometimes I sure don’t like some parts of the journey but, hey, think of the other alternative! ~laughs~ I hope that made you laugh. *kisses*
I absolutely agree too. There are definitely aspects of my sexuality that I share with my wife, and those that I only indulge in myself or with a mistress (over a cam).
Spanking is fortunately something I have shared with my wife, and while my fantasies still may exceed reality I’m very happy with amount of giving and receiving I get with regards to spanking. Bondage is another area that we share.
Anal play (which I’ve dabbled in, and recently got back into), humiliation, and cock control are things I’ve kept private from my wife.
Well said, wellspanked! I think most people (no matter how intimate and close) do keep some sex secrets and I actually think that’s healthy. Share what works and then pleasure yourself with the rest. I know you’ve got a great marriage, one that the vast majority of kinksters would envy unless they have partners into the fetish scene 🙂
Hi Ms
I don’t know how kinky it is but being a bride for you is soooooooo hot. Next call I am going to turn the AC down!! I have this beautiful picture in my mind of us dancing. You in black and me in white 🙂
xxxxx
Yvonne
Ahhhh, sweet lovely yvonne! You really ARE a beautiful bride and you looked stunning! THANK YOU for humoring Me and wearing the mermaid dress! I can’t wait to see your new purchases!
Now, a note about being kinky and crossdressing. Kinky is one of those things that each individual gets to decide (even though there are lots of people who are happy to tell you their opinions LOL). Since I also have opinions, I’ll share mine. There IS kinky crossdressing. BUT, I don’t think all crossdressing falls into the category of kink. You, dear one, have a femme side! That’s not kink, that’s the woman in you. Other cultures honor this by talking about (and often accepting) third and fourth genders. These “two spirit” people are unique, valued and cherished. That is how I think of you. Does that make sense?
I know other cultures revere people with multiple genders, some are even treated as royalty. Thank you for thinking of me in this way 🙂 So often crossdressers get caught in the guilt cycle. Like what they are doing is some kind of taboo. I can’t wait to show you my new things 🙂 I am still waiting on the wig and veil. I also bought 3 different styles of hair pins 🙂
xxxx
yvonne
Sweet one, I know (intellectually) that you’re right. And, I have also faced the muck of judgment by others. Here’s the thing….some people will like and support you as YOU. Some people will like and support only the ‘you’ that they are comfortable seeing. Some people will never like or support you no matter what contortions you twist yourself into to please them. That’s just reality on this human plane. Not so great but also there is a possibility there too. I love the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That’s not always easy to do, I’ll admit. So, reach out to the ones that you know actually see and support you. Remember no one can define you. Only you can define yourself. Here’s another Eleanor Roosevelt quote that I like to apply to the femme girls in my life: “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” ~laughs~ Fits doesn’t it? I like that one for myself/Myself too! 🙂 ~kisses sweet one~
I LOVE THAT!!! Leave it to Eleanor to put things in perspective. Thank you for your support. This time after not dressing for awhile it came back very strong. Might have something to do with the holidays, but I don’t really think so. After seeing the Celtic Woman concert on PBS it really triggered it.
xoxoxoxoxo
yvonne
sweet yvonne, I did have to laugh about the Celtic Women’s concert being the uber trigger! And yes, Eleanor can put things in perspective. She certainly did not have an easy time being a unique individual AND a woman! So, she’s a personal hero of mine! 🙂 I’m glad you also like the quotes!
Ms Olivia
The Celtic Woman concert was visually stunning. Example:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yfwlj0gba_k
It is just so beautiful.
xxxx
yvonne
Thank you for that link yvonne! You are so right! WOW!!!! I love that song to begin with and the violin beginning is so haunting and lovely! Then OMG their dresses! The whole thing….the staging, their hair and makeup, the song, everything! So feminine and so very lovely!
Merry Christmas Ms Olivia
I have the whole DVD and it is just simply stunning. It is call Songs from the Heart. You can find it on Amazon or Ebay.
xxx
yvonne
Thank you so much for that tip yvonne! Merry Christmas to YOU too! *lipstick kisses*
Hi Ms
I have found the most elegant place for our wedding 🙂
https://www.wyndhamdeerfieldresort.com/weddings/weddingsservices
I think a beach wedding would be so much fun.
xxxx
yvonne
Ohhhhhh yvonne, and after the wedding there are so many options. Staying at Deerfield beach, catching a cruise or strolling around Miami! How elegant and wonderful! This is a great idea 🙂
I would like to counter your statement “nice people are kinky”, with kinky people are nice. Some of the nicest people I have met have been in the kink community. Mostly in the LDW world, on blogs and at Enchantrix Empire. I have also recently attended a kinky con and found the same kind of people there as well.
I believe you hit it right with the comment about communication as to why this is that way.
I totally agree with you Forrest! While there are jerks in every place, I do think there’s a huge percentage of really kind, compassionate and helpful people in the kink and fetish community. The vast majority of people I’ve met through BDsm are respectful of others in ways that the vanilla world isn’t. There’s much more of a live and let live kind of attitude. Ironically, it LOOKS like we’re bad asses because of the fetish outfits, the whips and bondage! ~laughs~ Scratch a Mistress and you’ll find a compassionate sex therapist with an … ahem … adventurous sense of sexuality! ~grinz~