Lifestyle Mistress
I’m going to break from the IM chat with the man new to Femdom and phone sex and answer a question from Magnus and post an actual IM chat I had with My guy.
Here’s the question
Magnus wants to know: Do You decide when You are “on”? i.e. With your real life D/s relationship, do you put the Domme aside or is it always there? I ask because I know some people talk about being 24/7 whether live in or not.
Mistress versus bitch
We have all met certain women who are just plain disagreeable. When a female is behaving badly (not in a good ‘bad’ way) she is usually called a bitch. You can see from the previous (and upcoming IM chats) that I am NOT a bitch. I want to make sure that you get the best phone sex call of your life and that means having conversations about exactly what turns you on and what doesn’t. We can have the conversation at the beginning of the call or you can catch Me between calls on IM (if you don’t mind the delays in My response – I don’t IM during a session). Even if you know exactly what you want for the scene, I’ll still ask a couple questions to make sure we’re on the same page.
Being bitchy is lousy customer service!
BEFORE your session I will be a generous professional. I will work with you to identify your needs and desires. You’ve seen that here (and you’ll see it in the upcoming posts). I know for a fact that just because someone calls for a cuckold fantasy that doesn’t always mean they want to suck cock. Just because someone calls via a profile on sissy school that doesn’t mean they want full feminization or coerced into bi sexual or gay scenes. There are all sorts of ways to do cock control. You get the point.
When I’m the Domme in My phone sex life
I am a strong woman who knows My needs, limits, mind, etc. I manage Myself, My Moods and My career. Therefore I am a professional here and understand the distinction between being a Dominant (or scene Bitch) during a scene versus being a bitch about your customer service questions and issues. I’m the Femdom in a scene …. an expert professional everywhere else.
When I’m the Domme in My private life
Magnus asked about My real life relationship. I’m exactly the same in My real life as I am here. I’m appropriate to the situation. I have a great guy in My life. We’re a semi-normal couple (LOL) in most respects AND we have a varied sex life. I’m usually the Domme for fetish scenes although since I’m a switch I might be topped by another player. I’m his Mistress in scene play. Otherwise we are equal. I couldn’t do any version of 24/7 ‘tell him what to do’. BLEH! And, yes Magnus, we also cuddle (a lot!) and even have (gasp!) really sweet vanilla sex. For us, the kink provides a healthy dose of fun, fetish and naughtiness that we both enjoy.
Since I’ve been doing IM conversations recently….I’ll show you how we actually talk with one another. I sent him an IM to ask about the poll I posted on our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire. Like always, I asked his permission, changed his ID and took out the identifiers. Enjoy! And, I’m really curious about your reaction to this peek behind the scenes. (He reads the blog and your comments, he just doesn’t post. LOL He did mention that he’s shy.)
Ms Olivia:
can I ask you a sex question?
are you in a sex mindset?
My guy
I can be put there… lol
ask away
Ms Olivia
~laughs~
you’re the BEST baby !
So, tell me about the source of your interest in Femdom?
My guy
like what made me curious?
Ms Olivia
Yes……what happened that made you interested in Femdom.
Where did you find it?
My guy
hmmmm…. good question
Ms Olivia
how did you find it?
did you always know you wanted a woman in charge?
did you stumble across it and go wooooooo?
was it after you GOT interested in other fetish things?
My guy
well, being shy in general I do like it when a woman takes charge
Ms Olivia
*nods*
My guy
but I really enjoy watching BDSM, even when the man is the top and the woman submissive
I just can’t do it (be the man on top) though
but I think at one point I wound up with a couple “regular” porn tapes that had some S & M undercurrent to it and really liked it and just kept investigating more because it fascinated me which led to online searches, and kinkier and kinkier stuff. I’m trying to think if there was any one thing specifically that made me want to be dominated.
Ms Olivia
*nods*
My guy
now that i think about it I started getting porn magazines from the time I could find
a store that didn’t ID me when I was (young) and always liked the harder, kinkier stuff like Hustler over Playboy
Ms Olivia
LOL
My guy
and there was one fetish magazine I discovered in my early 20s that I loved…. wish I could remember what it was called. I just thought of something really weird if you want to hear it
Ms Olivia
Sure, yes !
I’m trying to think of names of fetish mags.
LOL
My guy
I just remembered that when I was a little kid there was a Tom Thumb movie, and towards the end someone was about to get whipped, and even then that fascinated me
Ms Olivia
LOL
that’s so great !
My guy
that might be the only scene in the movie I remember. I bet if you find a synopsis of the movie it’ll mention the whipping scene
Ms Olivia
Can I use your comments in my blog?
My guy
absolutely
Ms Olivia
you’re the BESTEST !
My guy
*smile*
My guy
wish I could remember that weird magazine I liked though
My guy
(movie synopsis link)
knew it… LOL
Ms Olivia
is that the SCENE?
My guy
no…. just the synopsis of the movie. Kind of hard to read because it’s all one big paragraph…. but towards the bottom says Jonathan and Anna are sentenced to a public whipping in town square I knew I remembered that. I remember a couple lashes before they were saved, but not sure I was like (young) when I saw it.
Ms Olivia
Tom Thumb? LOL You really should have a Giantess fetish!
My guy
LOL I also always liked the episode of the Flintstones where Wilma and Betty wanted to join Fred and Barney’s Buffalo Lodge, so dressed as men to try, and wound up being hazed during the initiation, including being paddled LOL
Ms Olivia
ohhhhhhhh 🙂
My guy
LOL…. I just googled that…. it’s on a bunch of spanking websites
Ms Olivia
oh that’s funny !
and kinky!
My guy
https://americanspankingsociety.com/?p=10901
Ms Olivia
I’m going to look at that after I finish this next blog post.
My guy
LOL
making me remember all my repressed childhood fantasies
Ms Olivia
good 🙂
My guy
I’m going to (go do stuff)
love you
Ms Olivia
I’m sorry for the delay — I got tied up with blog posts.
My guy
no problem
Ms Olivia
HUGS YOU BABY
Hey, wait! Did you jack to our conversation?
I DO always love to hear about jacking…..from you….not just others!
My guy
actually not this time…. I just don’t find Betty Rubble as attractive as I did when I was (young)… and don’t remember what Tom Thumb’s mother looked like. LOL got distracted looking at (other non porn) stuff
Ms Olivia
LOL
you’re funny.
got a text session…..hugs sweetie!
My guy
and funny looking
have fun
So, that’s a peek inside My life. Thanks magnus for the question. As always…..post your comments and questions and let the conversation begin!
Ms Olivia
IM with Olivia’s pet
Ms Olivia:
can I ask you a sex question?
are you in a sex mindset?
My guy
I can be put there… lol
ask away
Ms Olivia
~laughs~
you’re the BEST baby !
So, tell me about the source of your interest in Femdom?
My guy
like what made me curious?
Ms Olivia
Yes……what happened that made you interested in Femdom.
Where did you find it?
My guy
hmmmm…. good question
Ms Olivia
how did you find it?
did you always know you wanted a woman in charge?
did you stumble across it and go wooooooo?
was it after you GOT interested in other fetish things?
My guy
well, being shy in general I do like it when a woman takes charge
Ms Olivia
*nods*
My guy
but I really enjoy watching BDSM, even when the man in the top and the woman submissive
I just can’t do it (be the man on top) though
but I think at one point I wound up with a couple “regular” porn tapes that had some S & M undercurrent to
it and really liked it and just kept investigating more because it fascinated me which led to online searches, and
kinkier and kinkier stuff. I’m trying to think if there was any one thing specifically that made me want to be
dominated.
Ms Olivia
*nods*
My guy
now that i think about it I started getting porn magazines from the time I could find
a store that didn’t ID me when I was (young) and always liked the harder, kinkier stuff like Hustler over Playboy
Ms Olivia
LOL
My guy
and there was one fetish magazine I discovered in my early 20s that I loved…. wish I could remember what it
was called. I just thought of something really weird if you want to hear it
Ms Olivia
Sure, yes !
I’m trying to think of names of fetish mags.
LOL
My guy
I just remembered that when I was a little kid there was a Tom Thumb movie, and towards the end someone
was about to get whipped, and even then that fascinated me
Ms Olivia
LOL
that’s so great !
My guy
that might be the only scene in the movie I remember. I bet if you find a synopsis of the movie it’ll mention
the whipping scene
Ms Olivia
Can I use your comments in my blog?
My guy
absolutely
Ms Olivia
you’re the BESTEST !
My guy
*smile*
My guy
wish I could remember that weird magazine I liked though
My guy
(movie synopsis link)
knew it… LOL
Ms Olivia
is that the SCENE?
My guy
no…. just the synopsis of the movie
kind of hard to read because it’s all one big paragraph…. but towards the bottom says Jonathan and Anna are
sentenced to a public whipping in town square
knew I remembered that
My guy
I remember a couple lashes before they were saved, but not sure
I was like (young) when I saw it
My guy
I also always liked the episode of the Flintstones where Wilma and Betty wanted to join Fred and Barney’s
Buffalo Lodge, so dressed as men to try, and wound up being hazed during the initiation, including being
paddled
LOL
Ms Olivia
ohhhhhhhh 🙂
My guy
LOL…. I just googled that…. it’s on a bunch of spanking websites
Ms Olivia
oh that’s funny !
and kinky!
My guy
https://americanspankingsociety.com/?p=10901
Ms Olivia
I’m going to look at that after I finish this next blog post.
My guy
LOL
making me remember all my repressed childhood fantasies
Ms Olivia
good 🙂
My guy
I’m going to (go do stuff)
love you
Ms Olivia
I’m sorry for the delay — I got tied up with blog posts.
My guy
no problem
Ms Olivia
HUGS YOU BABY
Hey, wait! Did you jack to our conversation?
But, I DO always love to hear about jacking…..from you….not just others!
My guy
actually not this time…. I just don’t find Betty Rubble as attractive as I did when I was (young)… and don’t
remember what Tom Thumb’s mother looked like
LOL
got distracted looking at (other non porn) stuff
Ms Olivia
LOL
you’re funny.
got a text session…..hugs sweetie!
My guy
and funny looking
have fun
What a wonderful peek! As I’ve already said, I share some similar youthful experiences with your IM guy. And thanks for the glimpse into your own private life too.
You’re more than welcome tommie ….. posting that from My guy was yet another experiment! LOL Based on the response, I would say it worked! Look for more IM conversations and some more with him too 🙂
very sweet conversation, thanks for sharing Ms Olivia. I completely agree with your attitude about kink in the bedroom, “healthy does of fun, fetish, and naughtiness” I think most switches have that attitude. It’s one of those, “which comes first” scenarios. Does the “fun in the bedroom” aspect open the person up to switching, or is the fact that their a switch make it tougher (or not as desirable) to include D&S in their real life? Although the true answer to “which comes first” is almost exclusively my wife…LOL.
I remember that Flintstones episode and every time I saw it after the first I would be glued to the TV until that scene. There were a handful of other TV spankings/paddlings that I would look for too.
@ wellspanked …. ~laughing and smiling~ I don’t remember that episode but pet sure does! LOL
On the switch question…..hmmmmm…..I never thought about it. I think as a woman I was socially ‘trained’ to accept more submissive aspects of being a switch but My natural straightforward approach and skill at creating erotic scenes birthed the Domme part of Me. I relish both.
I think taking personal desires into a real life relationship takes communication. For example, in My bedroom I’m the Domme but I experience the switch side of me when I’m topped by another Domme, Dom or Top.
I don’t buy into the ‘soul mate’ thing and haven’t found it healthy to be the ‘everything’ TO another or have her/him be the ‘everything’ to me/Me. I bring the best of what I have to the relationship, pet brings his best. We meet and create from there. AND, both of us have full and active creative lives that don’t have anything to do with the other and certainly aren’t dependent on one another.
THANK you so much for your conversations here! I enjoy you up one side and down the other!
I agree. Trying to pretend you are something you are not (outside of playing for fun) will hardly ever live up to the expectation of the one who wants it, and do little or nothing for the person trying. Like I said, trying something out is one thing, but trying to fill a role that isn’t you probably won’t turn out well.
*nods* at wellspanked …. That’s why I’m actually ME here. It’s as much or as little of the real Me and you want (obviously personal boundaries of both parties are in effect and will be respected). These phone sex calls can be a real …. or more real actually …. then so called real life because the games are kink games and that is VERY real emotionally.
Thank you Mistress Olivia for sharing this. I am always fascinated to understand what are the dynamics of real Mistress/sub relationships, since that I what I am now seeking in my personal life. Yours sounds like a wonderful and rich relationship. Lucky man!
@slavemind …. ahhhh, thank you for your kind words. Lots of people say HE is the lucky guy but really we BOTH are…..because we *fit*. And that is the biggest blessing of all …. when you fit with another person. We’re lucky in that we have it in a huge variety of areas including our mutual kinky desires. We both are lucky 🙂 That is the key to any good relationship be it phone sex, D/s or vanilla 🙂 Good luck in your journey to find this is real life Ms Violet is the perfect play partner, muse and support as you are on your journey.
MsOlivia, this was definitely worth the wait. And I am very glad I could provide You stimulation and get Your (creative) juices flowing. 🙂
Thank You so much for sharing that part of Yourself with us. While I am by no means an expert and I would defer to many people first, I have learned many things in my own exploration of BDSM and one of them is that whatever people do that makes them happy (again as long as all parties are willing and it’s safe) is fine and fits in well. As with every group, it seems there always has to be the holier than thou crowd/group who has to have it their way. I’m not a big fan of them. One way of doing things may not work for some but would for others.
So what I am getting at is that I think non-24/7 is wonderful since it works. Clearly with the loving words in your IM, there is a lot of love there, not just a waiting for the next time to get spanked. 🙂 I say again that You are both very lucky and I wish You the best in the future.
Since it was brought up as well, I’ll talk about my own beginnings a bit more then I did in the poll. I, like Your guy, have always felt an affinity toward BDSM, for having a woman in charge, not in a bitchy way, but in a commanding way. I don’t think I can point to any cartoon moment from my upbringing there, though I can for my love of sexy feet (and that’s a different topic). Although maybe Natassia on Bullwinkle comes close. 🙂 I can’t think of any particular female that inspired me either. No teachers or other adults anyway. It’s just always been there on its own accord.
hugs, pinches and *wiggles toes* at magnus …. btw, those are peep toe high heeled shoes and I just got a pedicure! *wink* Now that I have your ….. ahem ….. attention … LOL …. THANK YOU so much for your comment.
I don’t criticize what other people do and I don’t let their opinions dictate My standards of behavior. Like you, 24/7 D/s would be tedious and unrealistic but I met a couple who did that at a recent BDsm lifestyle party and they were very happy! Now, the female slave was lively, smart and opinionated so it wasn’t the total *energy drain* that I tend to associate with the concept of 24/7 Lifestyle which, I saw, was My OWN personal bias AGAINST what obviously is working for them. Me! Biased! Pshaw! But, there it was front and center. One of the great things about this exploration of all things fetish and kink is that you really have an opportunity to see your own values, limits, emotions and more. If his female slave/life partner had been ‘mushy’ My original attitudes would have been confirmed. As it was, I had to look at My own ‘stuff’ which is always more on the ‘playing court of life’ (the arena of Roosevelt’s quote) then giving a critique from the stands.
magnus, I always enjoy your comments and our interplay *wink*
*Reluctantly tears my eyes away from Your wiggling toes with a wistful sigh* 🙂
I totally like the way You look at others’ lifestyles as a way to better examine Your own. I am in no way saying that 24/7 D/s relationships can’t work or that those in them don’t still act like other couples. Your case in point is a good example. I just don’t see myself ever in one just because I think I would also need more personal space than that (or at least how I envision it). I do think that I can always learn from others as well (and try to do so every day). My gripe was more about people not quite so open-minded, though that seems odd by itself that people involved in alternate lifestyles would still look down on others. I digress though….
May I ask a follow up question, MsOlivia? How do You go from cuddling to spanking? i.e. Is it decided up front that tonight would be a D/s night instead of a vanilla one? Spur of the moment perhaps when passion turns into a quiet command to kneel? Other? (I’m not looking for specific details, obviously, just wondering how the mood turns a certain way.)
@ magnus ….. SURE! Always feel free to ask follow up questions!
Some of the Domme / submissive days or nights are planned around play parties. Then. we’ll both *rev up* to that mode by talking about it, thinking about it, masturbating about the upcoming events. Some of the spanking is, by definition, limited by what’s going to happen during the play times themselves. LOL pet’s ass gets VERY red and sore! Other times it’s spur of the moment with modified play …. and those are also semi determined by how much pain and sensation play is coming up at any given time. As the Femdom I am the one responsible for the health, safety and sanity of pet when he is in pet-mode. I take that responsibility seriously.
After ANY BD/sm session, it’s really important to give good aftercare to any submissive who experiences any level of sub space. What is true in real life is also true on phone sex and sexy texting. After care is when the Domme helps the submissive return *gently* to earth, to feel loved and supported in their excursion.
What I communicate is this: no matter what was said or done as part of the play (pet likes humiliation and pain) the submissive is told he is deeply adored and I acknowledge the Gift of submission is a cherished gift. Specific aftercare is physical for pain sluts …. that is usually placing pet’s quivering body in a soft, cuddly blanket (I bring our own to play parties) and laying down and holding him …. making sure he drinks water …. has a bite to eat. On the phone there are other ways to do this but the principle is the same.
Finally, the vanilla cuddling actually tends to happen all the rest of the time. A sweet kiss, holding hands, a gentle caress on the back of the neck, you get the picture. And, I’m smiling right now as I write that.
And I smiled when I read it.
*wink* good!
I posted this on the Daily Cock, but I’ll reply here as well…
Very interesting!
Although I respectfully disagree on one thing… To me being a “bitch” is not a bad thing. While certainly I will agree that some people (male and female alike) are just plain disagreeable, I don’t use the label “bitch” for that. Why is there a separate term just because one person being an ass is female as opposed to male?
Besides, the term “bitch” while we might agree that is a conventional description, is most always misapplied. It is far more commonly used (at least among men) to refer to women who refuse to conform with male agendas or ideals. That by beating men at our “own game” they necessarily sacrifice some inherent quality of femininity. Cold bitch, heartless bitch, ball-busting bitch… usual ways to describe them talk more about how they either vex men, or have forsaken “proper” female sexuality (“If she doesn’t respond to me, she must be a lesbian, or a frigid bitch!”)
I can only speculate on what the term means when women apply it to one another, although I’d guess it isn’t too dissimilar to guys calling other guys a dick or asshole. But whenever I am watching a TV show or movie with my wife, invariably the characters I like are the ones my wife will say are bitches. In fact, she has often postulated that I must think she’s a bitch, since I apparently “go for” bitches.
But in my view, we are really talking about femme fatales, cougars, users, seducers… However much or little they might kive up to such stereotypes, the commonalities are more likely to be independence, aggressiveness, the willingness to use their feminine wiles as needed, etc.
Now, of course we are talking about “them” on a fantasy level. Certainly many of these characters are “villians” and use their powers for selfish or ill intent in the course of these stories. But that alone doesn’t, IMHO, warrant an extra epithet to single them out.
Ms. Olivia, you started a similar discussion about the word “pervert.” You embraced that one, even though I didn’t (and don’t) really care for it. But if I ever were to call you a bitch, believe me it would be meant as high praise :-p
Although ironically, I suppose the gender context flips the meaning for me quite substantially. I admire a stong woman who is a “bitch,” yet yearn myself to be made a “bitch” under their perfect thumb. :-p
Thanks for your interesting comments and (of course) well reasoned thoughts! I love the semantic play with you! Of course, like you point out words aren’t static objects …. like a chair for example. You can get a chair, put it in your living room and the chair stays there and stays the same. Not so with words. The meaning of words changes depending on lots of things …. as you correctly point out ….. that’s one of the things that makes wordplay so much FUN ! Witness your comment about yearning to be made a bitch …. under her wing and under the proverbial thumb as well. I do that, of course, on phone sex calls … I even did an audio about that on get girlie! *wink*
Thanks for this post! It is indeed an interesting peek inside. The fascinating thing to me, although it shouldn’t surprise me, is that you are Still you in your IM . I suppose it just proves that you are the genuine article. Still, that conversation (though not necessarily the subject) could well have been one you and I had. So, thanks for being you….and for sharing.
*nods* @ DCMike ….. LOL….that’s a great point. I really am ME on the phone sex call! And, like I tell everyone they can have as much or as little as they like of the ‘conversation’ part of the connection. I think relationships are about communication …. great communication always leads to great everything. LOL Soooooo, duh! I do communicate 🙂 THAT you communicate as well is one of the things I adore about you! 🙂
I think you picked up even more fans with this post. Having a sense of humor in a relationship is indispensable. Thanks for sharing.
Personally, I never quite understood the whole mistress/slave 24/7 deal.
You see that a lot when guys talk about femdom on message boards. Their fantasy is for their wife/lover to be in charge of all aspects of their lives at all times. From finances to when they can go to the bathroom. Basically they want to abdicate all the real world responsibilities of a partnership so they can zone out in fantasy land wearing apricot colored panties while doing some light ironing. They act like this would be a great deal for their partner.
Seriously, what women in her right mind would say no to that?
For a lot of people kink is like French cuisine, best enjoyed occasionally for maximum pleasure. As for whether it’s “real” or not, it really doesn’t matter. Kink is adult play time. A chance to let your mind wonder. You’re both actors on your own erotic stage. You play your part and when the play ends you go back to figuring out how to pay for the kids college education and who’s taking the dog to the vet.
*spews coffee* Well said John! I couldn’t have said it better! That is EXACTLY My beef with the 24/7 stuff. Now, I tend not to have to deal with that issue in phone sex because of the financial and practical boundaries (limits) inherently in this venue. Even in this realm there is a fair amount of ‘Mistress tell me exactly what to do” which is more than fine during the session (that’s part of paid play) but…..hmmmmmm……that’s not an IM conversation that will get and keep My attention when I’m doing free IM chats.
I’m curious about message boards …. I’m not sure how much of that is real real and how much is the fantasy talking. Do you think there actually ARE Femdoms that assume total control for a slave? I’m not sure if that’s even Female Domination …. LOL …. that sounds like Mommie Dearest control issues. BLEH! I’m more than happy taking total control of the scene and making decisions for him …. but, if he abdicates his responsibility to say what he wants then he also loses the right to critique My performance. I’ll do that back and forth twice and then tell him he can’t do a scene with Me unless he writes out exactly what he wants and how he wants it.
I love your description of kink as adult play time … it IS …. and thank you so much for your comment and making Me ~laugh~ !!!!!