Submission to Mistress
What does a Mistress look for in a submissive male, subby, servant or slave? The short answer is that it depends on your particular kink or fetish. It also depends on how you express that erotic desire in conjunction with your submission to your Mistress. How’s that for a vague answer? ~laughs~
Seriously, I don’t have pat answers and I don’t provide cookie cutter phone sex. One of the differences between a session with Me and this blog (or the free IM chat between My calls) is that your sessions are unique and personalized directly to your life, lifestyle, erotic interests and fetish needs. That’s one reason why I LISTEN to you!
Some domination happens simply because of the beauty and sensuality of the Mistress. Ms Constance gives a great example of that in a sensuous tease that ‘inspires* rather than orders. This free erotic audio shows the power of brains, beauty and baby oil! *wink*
Submission combined with fetish sex turnons
I’ve written about the use of panties in submission and you don’t have to be a sissy or a crossdresser to be a man who gets a submissive feeling from being put in My lacy panties.
Some submissive men express their willingness to suffer for their Mistress, especially with a willingness to submit to cock tease and denial and/or pain play. ((Please always remember Safety First if you have any interest in pain play. Ms Vivian is an excellent teacher about fetish safety issues. I am adamant about safety –= we will play in a safe, sane and consensual manner.))
Each Femdom has different ways to *think* of her submissive, I tend to think of you in the classic hero archetype. You go on an adventure (for Me). It is difficult (because you suffer). You and I both learn things and benefit because of the your journey. And, then you bring Me back (offer) a tribute. That tribute can be your submission, you obedience, the very thing that defines your masculinity (your cock and balls, the content of your explosive orgasm), etc.
I was reading blogs on our adult social networking site, Enchantrix Empire, and I found a blog post by mindless. He has a beautiful description about what it takes to be a submissive male from his point of view. Thank you mindless for allowing Me to post part of your words. There will be more blogs on this topic and you’ll hear a variety of thoughts.
One caller on being a submissive male
By mindless: “Strength. This one word sums up a great deal of what makes up a sub for varying reasons. A sub requires first before anything else, the strength to step aside from the ego, to let at least the uppermost of their pride to fall away and offer that first glimpse of surrender.
That original experience of letting someone else have even a little control over you is so frightening and so exciting that the sub begins to realize and feel that yearning in their soul even though they have no understanding of what it is or were it will take them.
The second trial of strength comes after that experience. The mind and pride reasserting itself causing doubt, regret and humiliation at what you had just willingly put yourself through. It is only through strength of will that a sub is able to push these negative feelings aside and dwell instead on the positives that they encountered. It is this defining strength that separates a submissive from those who had one chance experience and have forever distanced themselves from such a thing.
I’ve done calls with someone new to Femdom submission and want to try it. Some people want to be ‘dominated’ and are looking for a strong, sexually assertive Woman. True submission in the BD/sm sense tends to be something that you either love it or hate it. When you find a woman who really *gets* you … the whole you, including the part of you that yearns for Her control and Dominance … then you are in for a treat! That is when the Hero’s Journey of submission begins. mindless describes it this way:
“The submissive will find a certain joy mixed with more anxiety and fear when they admit to themselves that being submissive is something they need to be fulfilled. It is only through extreme strength of character and will that this very first need is ever discovered let alone nurtured and brought forth.
A thousand authors writing a thousand pages in a thousand books would still not scratch the surface of what all these things are. There are no final answers, there are no absolutes, there is only what was, what is, and what will be.
mindless is right that there are no simplistic descriptions of male submission. As an Experienced Mistress, I know that everything we do and experience it is, above all else, complex.
What do you have to say about this?
Great post, as usual Ms Olivia, and great insights from mindless. I’ve written a few erotic short stoies (some posted in EE in my blog) that try to hit on some of the keys to submission. In exploring it I’ve found many facits that seem contrary to truely being submissive. There is a certain degree of selfishness to a submissive. When the submissive derives pleasure from acting that way and the dominant one takes control, the dominant usually also takes on directing and anticipating giving the sub waht they actually want while masking it in what they want. For a dominant that can be a lot of work, but also can lead to a further paradox. It can give the dominant person who understands this can make the situation into one of “careful what you wish for”. The thought of, I will give you exactly what you think you want, and you may just regret it on some level. I believe that is the secret behind the knowing half smile that mistress have the knack of giving. My rambling point is, while on the surface submission appears to be a one way gift of servitude, it fills a need in the submissive person that provides fufillment and giving fufillment is one of the greatest gifts of all.
@ wellspanked Your point about the submissive being the one actually ‘in charge’ is THE debate in the kink community, right? ~laughs~ And, you’re also right…..MUCH of what we do is a paradox! It’s those opposite sides of things that is part of what is offputting for people who don’t *get* how spanking, for example, can be a profoundly loving and yet wicked experience.
I’m thinking about the *who is actually in charge* question in terms of the phrase the “Gift of submission’ …. just because something fulfills a ‘need’ in the gift giver that doesn’t devalue the gift in any way. People *give* because they *get* something….that’s human nature!
Here’s the way I think about gifts. Gift giving is a symbiotic relationship. In order to GIVE a gift you must have someone who is willing (and able) to ACCEPT the gift.
Giving gifts is TONS of fun! I love giving gifts!!!! To *see* someone light up with an unexpected surprise fills Me with ….. hmmmmmm, light and air and tingly feelings! It’s the BEST! BUT, I’ve also been on the side where I was trying to give a gift and the person was ohhhhh no no, I can’t take that from you. Then, that light, airy feeling collapses and I start to feel constrained and just plain ICKY. Some people are FANTASTIC gift receivers and some aren’t. THEN to compound it, you have some people who EXPECT gifts and that sort of self absorbed arrogance of entitlement totally KILLS the yummy feeling I get when giving a surprise gift. So, that type of person is no *fun* to give a gift to either!
So, to have fun giving a gift there needs to be the right kind of person on the receiving end. Someone whose response fulfills what you’re looking for as the gift giver. Just like Power Exchange between a Dominant and a submissive….their energy, styles, etc have to mesh together. When people *click* it’s the *zing* that brings life to LIFE.
I know some men who LOVE to give gifts to arrogant, entitled women….that IS their fun and that’s FINE (for them)! I know some women who keep throwing gifts at men that rarely even acknowledge the gift or say thank you. I’m not judging others behavior, just saying I think people (BY THEIR ACTIONS) show that they’re getting their needs met by continuing to take the action.
All that is a roundabout way of saying that the Gift of submission the way I’m using the term FOR ME (others opinions/experience will vary!) …. the gift is like a surprise …. like an ohhhhhh wow, we get to PLAY like THIS? Yummy! Now, that I read that I don’t sound very Mistressey! ~laughs~ My guy told Me the other day that he loves to watch all the expressions on My face because I make cute, childlike faces when I make a strike in bowling, get caught up in a concert, or get startled by something we’re watching. ~laughs~ That’s true! And, I take that same sense of exuberance, joy and wonder into phone sex calls and kinky fetish play. It’s PLAY! Very ADULT play but play nonetheless. So when the Gift of submission appears in My world My reaction is general OH WOW< OH BOY< OH YUMMY FUN! ~laughs~ I don't really care who is 'in charge' or whether the 'gift' is given for 'selfish' reasons......I'm like.....oh wow, now we BOTH have all the things we need to PLAY TOGETHER. Can you tell, I'm a fantastic gift receiver....AND a fantastic gift giver? I enjoy the gift (whatever it is) that allows us BOTH to play together! Wellspanked, I should NOT answer your comments first thing in the morning! ~laughs~ Tell Me, did that make ANY SENSE?
you completely made sense. And I waitied until later in the day to respond so I could keep it breif 🙂
I liked that you mentioned that what something is to one person that doesn’t diminish or devalue what it may or may not be to someone else.
And as for not sounding “mistressey” you are confident, assertive, knowledgable, damn sexy, and you go for what you want. Regardless of the details that makes you pretty mistressey.
Thank you wellspanked! You and I totally agree that confidence and not arrogance is what is sexy! *wink*
I think that this is an extremely tricky question, and really depends on what POV you are taking.
In pure fantasy play, the “sub” is often really the star of the show, no? A lot of sub related fantasy is by subs, to appeal to subs, and fulfill their fantasies, etc.
In more of a “reality” situation? I expect it might be extremely different.
Even in the vanilla world, I am reminded of the oft seen joke – what really will turn on your wife/gf/partner isn’t that “gift” of lingerie, but maybe doing some housework :-p
Are we talking about sex or a relationship? Because a lot of the fantasy play really tends to center around the former.
But if we are sticking to fantasy for moment, sub is probably too broad a term. As you mention, there are subs who want to throw themselves at the feet of the domme and beg beg beg their domme to deign to acknowledge their presence… While others prefer to see themselves as a ‘normal’ guy who is seduced/coerced by the captivating/powerful domme, etc.
~laughs~ with NB …. I love that quote about the *gift* of lingerie versus the (maybe more needed) gift of housework! That is SO TRUE! I just did a LONG answer about gifts (gift giving and gift receiving) to wellspanked and much of what I said applies to your comment as well.
Like always you move the conversation forward …. this time, with the housework comment. A well placed gift is one that actually IS a gift in the world of the other person. For example, a gift of a cruise would not be very welcome if the gift receiver feels pressure to take time off to go, has deadlines & projects to finish, doesn’t LIKE cruises, etc. THEN (in that instance) the gift becomes added pressure (not fun) even those objectively it looks like it should be a ‘nice gift.’
In real life relationships, real life fetish kink scenes, and phone sex …. the two people communicate to make sure each person’s need, wants, and desires are being met. That’s why communication is so important. To use the cruise example again….in conversation maybe both come to understand that a cruise is NOT what is needed but a couple pounds of kinkin’ Sumatra coffee would be the best. It’s what makes both feel connected….the gift become a mode of connection.
As usual, mindless expresses it very well. The notion of grateful surrender is a central part of the connection, and I agree it takes strength.
@ tommie ….. There’s MORE to the great comments by mindless and I’ll be posting those in the future! I love these types of discussions, as you know! I’ve gotten a huge amount of feedback from the Tranny, femme and crossdressing girls about what it is like to be a FEMALE submissive! I had a GREAT phone sex call about just that topic so I’m doing a blog post right now to go in tandem with this one! Thanks for your comment tommie……I do love to celebrate the strength of the submissive!
Good gift giving and good gift receiving. EXACTLY!!
That is such a wonderfully insightful perspective. It avoids the whole “do me sub” dynamic, and gives one a path to giving real service. Find out what your *particular* Mistress really loves and needs, and try to thrill and satisfy her in that way. But,,, you also have to find a mistress for which the kinds of gifts you are capable of giving with joy will overlap with the kinds of gifts that thrill and satisfy her, and that is where the chemistry comes in.
I suspect, Olivia, that you interpret many aspects of your life from the perspective of good gift giving and good gift receiving. It’s actually a very spiritual way of approaching life.
And… this is very good language to talk about a certain type of D/s dynamic in a relationship, while avoiding the BDSM language, which can be off-putting to many women. Oh, this is great!!
This is an idea that really strike and chord and resonates broadly. THANK YOU 🙂
I think that submission is in the mind of the submissive. Each sub makes their own mental rules and guidelines for their own submission; their limits play a role, their fantasies, and their state of mind when they embark on their session, too. Like you said, Olivia, it’s complex. It always is when human monkeys get involved. lol!
One of the things I like best is the negotiation before a scene, when the potential submissive is layout their soul for me, telling me where they keys to their psyche lie, and what to do to drive them up the wall and around the bend. That’s the beginning of trust for me, right there.
Great post Olivia! 😀
I’m soooo glad to see you post a comment Ms Harper! I love your blog and I know you *get* this! I agree with you……that back and forth before a phone sex fantasy (or real life) is part of the PLAY! I love that you brought up the issues of trust……that really is such a GIFT, isn’t it? When a potential submissive trusts us enough to bare their soul (and their bottoms!) to us. We take that trust VERY SERIOUSLY and I know you’re a Mistress that gets what a gift it is. Oh and ps…….you’re sooooooooooo easy on the eyes! ~laughs~ and sends you a wicked *wink*
🙂 I’m glad you like my blog, because I sure do love yours! Hearing that someone I admire enjoys my work just makes my head blow up. lol!
I discovered one day that what I was really in the scene for was the trust and power exchange… it was when someone asked me to do something that wasn’t really my ‘bag’, but it was something they really needed and were afraid of at the same time. That display of trust, of surrender and acceptance just.. yeah. That did it. I do what I do because I love it, and the trust is a huge huge part of it.
OMG Ms Harper …. your comment just touched My heart.
I’ve had My version of that same experience….the experience of being on the receiving end of trust. ((not so much of ‘doing something on phone sex that isn’t my bag’ mostly because I’m a KINK FREAK and enjoy it all! LOL) But, like you I’ve been on the receiving end of someone really trusting Me with intimacies and honest communication. Sometimes, it’s the first time they’re saying these things out loud. I know you take that responsibility very seriously and so do I.
That emotional and energetic sensation is the most amazing experience and one that I would ‘expect’ to find with other sort of advocacy and/or service work. WHO KNEW Femdom phone sex is all this and more!?
The first thing for me was to become comfortable with my need to submit, this took quite a long time and only really happen as a friendship developed with the pro-domme I was seeing. Once this happened it was interesting in that in our relationship we would talk about all sort of things, do many things friends do such as dinner, play pool or go to the theatre but the D/s element was always there as an undertone.
It was just then how much it was, in private it could be high with certain rules all always being applied such as me not being allowed to wear underwear or having to sit on the floor unless instructed in Maitresse’s presence but in public we would be as any normal couple of friends but if I got a bit too cheeky for example she would subtlely let me know and I would be say sorry Maitresse, even though out of session I was allowed to address her be her name, it just become intuitive.
Of course if we played pool or any other game it would often have a winner gets element for fun, losses for me were mostly cane stokes and wins being allowed to cum or pick her outfit for our next session.
So to try and answer the question, for me it was about accepting the need to submit and for me that is never going to be 24/7 but it was there when I needed it.
This is where Ms Oliva has come in as I am too far away location wise to have this relationship now in that she is there when I need a fix of submission, mostly with Ms Oliva the form of submission is denial and she knows I want her pussy so badly 🙂
@ marlowe I LOVE this comment! Thank you soooooo much for taking your time to post and tell us about your experiences.
Our phone sex play time gets quite naughty and intense. After all you ARE the one who inspired the NO audio….~laughs~ …. for those of you who don’t know, we have a site for free erotic audios and I did one that is just the word NO. That audio invariably gets tons of comments from the guys who like that denial!
AND, like your other real life Mistress / friend you and I talk about lots of things other than our kinky sex submissive scenes. And, I like the ALL OF IT with you! 🙂
Hi MsOlivia! Humble apologies for falling behind on my comments. A lot of real life stuff. It doesn’t mean I adore You any less. 🙂 I will do my best to catch up though.
Sooo, male submission, something near and dear to my heart. I really love Your description of going on an adventure and suffering adversity for You. It reminds me a great deal of the devoted knight, sworn to serve his Lady. I think there is a stereotype of a male submissive as a wimp, a milksop, one easily swayed and controlled and pussy whipped. While I think there is always an example of a stereotype as it must come from somewhere, I also think that’s the vast minority. A true male submissive is strong, not necessarily in strength or personality, though he could be those things (I myself do not pick things up and put them down), but he has strength of character. You and I share a mutual love of power exchange. Well, in order to exchange power, one must have power to begin with and have the character to give willingly that power to another.
When I really first start doing research into D/s (read: when I first got internet access), I remember reading someone saying that he really didn’t like the pain but he loved submitting to it. That’s the kind of thing I am talking about. Willing to do something one might not necessarily enjoy on its own, but liking it because it is the giving of oneself.
magnus I love that description…..not liking the pain per se but loving the actions involved in submitting to a Femdom woman. THAT is where experience comes in. Even on a phone sex call, there are levels of play. What is extreme pain to one person is no sensation to another. Take erotic spanking for example, even the PLACE where the spanking happen can determine arousal from a situational, emotional or physical standpoint. An OTK, over the knee, spanking with the flat of the hand will make one submissive lose his….ahem…..mind ….. all over the sheer stockings of Mistress. Another example is the spanking delivered while the submissive is tied to a St. Andrews cross….maybe a paddling on the underside of the ass cheeks which physically stimulates the prostate in addition to the sensations of being bound (immobilized).
Like you, one of the things I love about the Power Exchange play is that there are so many ways to keep it new and fresh, even when doing the same erotic fetish or kink.
I couldnt be dominant if I wanted to….Most guys/girls say im too nice to be mean..Ive done calls with MsOlivia where shes taken me shopping with her and tricked me into wearing bras/panties/lipstick/makeup as well as dresses. She told me you want to make/keep me happy dont you and ive said yes I do. How can I say no to her when she slithers up to me and starts giving me kisses? I cant.Even thought its fantasy and buy phone its real to me. How many women would do that for real? Im sure theres some but not alot as I think the odds are around 10% or lower. If I were to come up to women and ask her to do that t me im sure id get shot down or looked upon as crazy or gay I dont think this would happen in real vanilla world. Even though is only by phone I think this counts as bf/gf mistress/sub relationship Im not sure. How can I say no to MsOlivia if im in bra/panties/lipstick? I cant and why would I want to shes then one who wears the pants in our relationship and she is the boss.
~laughs~ You are so right Peter! When I start to ‘slithering’ and kissing…..well, there’s NO saying no! *wink*
I love these phone sex dress up times with you because they are sooooooo sensual. There’s a difference between being Dominant and being mean…..I don’t think being *mean* is automatically Dominant or even attractive. It totally depends on the phone sex session though. Even when I’m ‘mean’ it is usually more part of a luscious mind fuck or the trigger in a session….it’s used as a twist or spice in a session, rather than the whole thing.