It’s a nature versus nurture question.
There are no “right” answers per se. I’d like to hear your thoughts and experiences. As regular readers know, I’m all about the conversations rather than getting to an absolute answer. What is true and right for one person might be something another person can’t stand.
Dominance and submission
Are you submissive? How do you identify yourself? Do you say you’re a sexual submissive or are you a submissive man or submissive women … or even this: only submissive when crossdressing? Yes, there are many forms of submission. You are unique and your sexual expression is also unique to you.
This blog often explores the these kinky nuances.
This post is inspired by a request from Forrest who says:
“I would love to see a blog post on the differences between sexual submission and a submissive nature. I feel I have a very submissive nature, but sexually I am neither submissive or dominant. My actual view of sex is that of indifference. And yea I like cake.”
~laughs~ Cake is a good thing Forrest! So, let’s discuss! You’ve mentioned before that you do love to masturbate but you’re indifferent to sex with another person. Do I have that right? If so, you’re not alone.
Masturbation is the most popular form of sexual pleasure
Many people prefer self pleasure or masturbation as their main form of sexual release simply because you get exactly what you want sexually! After all, who knows your body better than you!? People who love to masturbate often enjoy having a Mistress give instructions, guidance and masturbation management. This can be with varying amounts of cock control and orgasm control.
Sometimes the control only happens in a sexual content; for example, only during the phone sex call or during a specific erotic roleplay. This might be an example of someone who is sexually submissive or turned on by being submissive in sexual situations.
I think it is easier to define submission in sexual situations rather than something elusive like a “submissive nature.” That’s why I’d like to hear from you My dear blog readers who leave such great comments! How do you define, submissive nature? Do you think that is situationally inspired or are you born with that submissive way of being? Are YOU submissive? *wink*
I would like to comment on this one; I feel that sexual submission is something some one wants & desires; maybe fantasied about & wants to happen, yet will go back to an every day life like most people. The whole thing was sexual & you’ll never forget what happened! Submissive nature; You have NO Control over ANYTHING until you’re allowed as you are soo submissive that you give yourself to the Woman & EVERYTHING about you. You have No Control at all as You are the Submissive one.
Thanks for your comments timm. I’m going to do my comment on the next comment of yours.
Sexual submissive means You want them to take control but in the end You have control of yourself. Submissive Nature is giving yourself up to someone else & allowing them to take complete control of you!! That’s my thought & expression.
Hi timm and thanks for the comment! 🙂 I think you’re absolutely right in that where there is that sense/desire/yearning for submission when you get it you really experience something special. Submissives talk about going into sub space or even, flying, where the delicious “let go” happens. It is quite amazing to see (from the Femdom side) and experience (from the submissive side).
And, I loved this comment in particular because you talk about the submissive retaining control of him/her self. There is a culture of some in BDsm land that says if you’re submissive you blindly so what Mistress says. That is fine during a scene where there has already been a discussion of wants, needs, boundaries and limits. BUT a smart and experienced Mistress doesn’t play with someone you won’t retain that basic sense of self.
I have a laid back, rather than submissive, nature, Ms. Olivia.
What can make me submissive is a female’s sexuality. I have a complete weakness for sexy, seductive cockteases.
But if she tries to dominate me by other means, or goes into other areas of D/s which don’t feature her feminine powers, she will lose her control over me.
*nods* Oh YES peter, I can totally *get* that about you! Actually, that’s one reason why you want someone with experience with feminization…when done wrong, ANY sex fantasy can wither (the fantasy and everything else).
Oh no Ms. Olivia, you misunderstand me.
It’s when a women embraces her own sexuality and then uses her female charms against me, which is what makes me submissive to her.
I have no interest in being feminized myself.
NOW I see who wrote this! You’re absolutely right and I’m sorry. There’s another Peter who does love to be feminized and I saw peter in the name and my mind apparently went *zip* right to him! I’m so glad you wrote back! Actually THIS reminds me that I need to do a panty tease post for you! *wink* Something that will get you squirming and aching and gasping……~laughs~…….
You do, Ms, Olivia? A panty tease post? *adjusts erection*
Thank you Ms. Olivia, you’ll make Miss Violet *squirm* very happy!
You are only allowed to *adjust* things peter….now be good! ~grinz~
I will try Ms. Olivia, but you do make things ‘hard’ for me!
~laughs~ We DO love to make it nice and hard for you! I think that maybe BLUE (as in blue balls) is our favorite color! *wink*
Yes, you do like making me blue, and giving me a hard time, Ms. Olivia!
~laughs~ peter you inspired Me! I went to My wish list and put on blue flannel sheets! Just to imagine My lovely body against that blue background. The soft flannel. The gentle curve of My body as I tease you by slipping just one leg outside the top flannel sheet…..then, oh ohhhhhhh, pulling it back under with a *wink* at you! ~smiles~
I’m always happy to inspire a Mistress, Ms. Olivia!
And it looks like your actions can to the same and give rise to other things! *adjusts erection*
Ahhhhh, but of course! That’s why you’re a tease toy! *wink*
*squirm* Yes, Ms. Olivia!
~flashes My lovely panties at peter and then struts away~
Dear Mistress Olivia,
I have had submissive thoughts/actions since a very early age and have always ‘known my place’ around dominant women, hoping they would pick up on it no doubt or maybe its something more freudian as it was not a normal mother/son relationship! I find myself more submissive when horny (which is a fair chunk of time to be fair) and can be submissive in other situations but it most always leads to a sexually submissive thought of some sort. It will never go away, that is for sure so not worth fighting what cannot be beat…
Great point about masturbation and sex. Masturbating with the thoughts through the mind taking a journey can be a different planet sometimes, especially when guided by someone who knows my headspace. During sex, to be told when to thrust and when to withdraw is another level altogether as well as not being allowed to cum during sex under order. ‘Normal’ sex is good but not neat the level of the with the former in floating the boat so my main sexual needs are based around subservient dynamics.
As to whether I am submissive sexually or by nature, I suspect the two are joined in some way for me as most of my submissive thoughts always end up as a sexual nature but start from some small sentence or look/action. I suppose submissive nature can be learned and for some, and to give up power after being dominant/neutral must be very fulfilling. From my perspective i have always had a naturally submissive nature which is enhanced by sexual stimulus(whether imagined or real) to a great degree.
Great blog and thanks
What a wonderful and thoughtful reply Paul! I too adore *vanilla* sex on calls and in My real life …. but, just like you describe it is the Power Exchange that really takes My breathe away (literally)! Your comment points out that I or any Femdom needs you (the sexual submissive). It’s a symbiotic relationship because without one, the other doesn’t get the *thrill.* That you so much for beautifully pointing that out!
Well I much prefer a nice moist devils food cake with a rich butter cream frosting. 😉
I do enjoy masturbation, I find it to be very pleasurable and fun. I just have no real desire to partake in partnered sex, because of this I do not feel sexually submissive or dominant.
My submissive nature shows up in the form of being the one who is always doing the things to keep the peace. There are times it feels like I am just giving in just so others are happy at the expense of my own joy and just being quiet about it.
I believe that submission is a mixture of both nature and nurture. Situations could dictate how your submission will show but the submissiveness has to be there to begin with.
~laughs~ and hands Forrest moist devils food with butter cream frosting cupcake!
Hmmmm…..I’m not sure if I would equate being a *peacekeeper* as with being submissive. There’s actually something in a democratic or consensus process that is like agreeing with the consensus even if you disagree. It’s more than just going along. I can’t remember the name of the term right now but I remember reading about it and thinking, wow, that’s a pretty cool concept for group dynamics and decision making.
I might have trouble thinking of the name because, now you’ve got Me thinking of cupcakes! ~laughs~
Thank you for your view Ms Olivia. In the realm of D/s I am really not sure where I fit. The peacekeeper role is really the only thing I used to compare myself to. I feel like I may just be sitting on the fence in the middle looking at both sides, not really feeling like I am on either side. I have enjoyed reading all the comments both here and on EE. It has helped me understand the whole dynamic of D/s a little more but in terms of myself it has just helped me feel like I am still on the fence.
Well Forrest, you might not BE a participant in the Dominance submission power exchange play….you might enjoy the learning and being part of the EE community but the actual sex style might not be your thing at all. There are people on EE that aren’t into kink but enjoy the diversity of the community AND learning about all this diverse erotic expression. I also know people who aren’t submissive OR Dominant sexually or otherwise….they’re just hmmmmmmm….not sure how to describe them…..I guess vanilla/regular people might be an apt description. Does this make sense?
Well vanilla is a description I do understand and say that is a good way to describe people who are neither Dominant or submissive. I may even fall into that realm a little bit myself. But I am a bit kinky in so far as solo gratification. I do not have an actual sex style as I am not interested in the sexual act. This is kind of why I am so interested in sex itself. It started out as a way of trying to figure myself out. Once I did come to the acceptance of self I was still interested in sex, if only from an academic point of view. I am always amazed when I discover something new, be it a kink, sexual act or even a new masturbation method. I have learned so many things from this exploration that I do not believe there is anything that will surprise me.
Actually Forrest I think vanilla means more “not kinky.” I know people who are into kink but don’t consider themselves Dominant or submissive. I love the labels as more of a starting point for conversations. ~laughs~ I’m going to the Museum of Sex when I’m on My NYC trip …. now, that’s a place I bet you would love! ~smiles~
I share your love of learning!
Dear Mistress Olivia
As you say there are, no doubt, many varieties of submission. For me, i am very proud to be a submissive for Mistress Violet and for her to fully know at all times that i embrace her as my Mistress, that i want to please her as best as i can. Certainly that is for the delicious moments of sexual submission and when i am in the “Violet Zone”. It is also a part of my every day life as i seek to conduct myself in a way that would reflect positively on her as Mistress and i try to send her my best energies and intentions each day. So my submission is an active commitment to her and i cherish that she accepts my devotions.
Does that all make for a submissive nature? i have never been the aggressive male guy; in recent years i am more and more embracing my feminine side. But i am also a very accomplished professional – PhD educations, started four different companies, currently have a staff of 40 highly educated professional staff working for me. i am not hesitant to be clear about the work that needs to be done.
Submissive by nature? i think, yes, in many ways. Submissive in all ways? Hardly. Sexually submissive to Mistress? yes and grateful to be so,
What a fantastic comment Susan!! I love your points about being in the Violet Zone….as regular readers of this (and other blogs/comments/etc.) I absolutely ADORE Ms Violet! She is amazing and I count her as a personal friend as well.
Your comment got me thinking about what INSPIRES submission. Like you said, you’re highly accomplished and not submissive in all ways. I personally think it takes a great deal of internal strength to BE submissive. It’s the GIFT of submission. So, I see it as a strength, rather than a weakness. And your comment inspired another aspect that is critical to the Dominance submission power exchange … that the submissive WANTS to submit and is grateful to submit, as you are with Ms Violet! Thank you for your comment!
Very interesting topic. For me being submissive is a mood thing. Some nights I want to be dominated, other nights an evening of making love is what floats my boat. Usually the hornier I am, the more submissive my mood.
That’s a great distinction player! I’ve also talked about vanilla sex and how that is tons of fun. I’m going to think about your comment….I might be exactly the same! ~smiles!~ Thank you SO MUCH for leaving a comment on My blog 🙂
I’m submissive sexually. I find having a woman tell me what to do makes me extremely turned on. From her telling me I’m not allowed an orgasm to her telling me to spank my cock with a wooden spoon, I get rock hard, as I’m sure you noticed Mistress 🙂
~laughs~ Oh YES I have noticed Jake! You are submissive sexually but not necessarily obedient all the time! That is why we’re talking about getting you into a chastity device! ~grinz~ That will certainly HELP your areas of self control! *wink*
I’ve always been submissive. I can’t be dom type. I’ve always been into wearing women’s clothes,bras,panties, lipstick, lotions, perfumes, heels, ankle boots. I wear them after work at home its great way to relax and end day. It hot turn on that gets me hard wet and off. It only way for me to masturbate. I had lawnmower accident when I was (young) I’ve been in hospital … 100s of operations never had normal childhood nor ever a girlfriend. Watching gilligans island got me into dressing. Seeing ginger and Maryann have way with gilligan as well as ginger’s hot dresses. If you meant being submissive in you and other mistresses dressing me as girl I’ll never ever go back to bring dom. How can I say no? I cant.
OMG, peter I haven’t thought about Ginger on Gilligan’s Island in years! Thank you for putting that in your comment! ~smiles~ I think you would look fantastic in a Ginger-type of dress! And then you can be My lipstick lesbian….*wink*.