When you are submissive
I get lots of questions about how to handle your kinky sex fetish with your real life partner. Sissy kathy had a two part question. The first part was about crossdressing and purging.
Today, I’ll address her desire to be a sissy submissive in real life. While kathy identifies herself as a sissy, the desire to be a submissive in real life is a common theme I hear on many phone sex calls.
The erotic thrill of being controlled by a Femdom Mistress is a powerful urge for those with that kink. I’ll post more from the men themselves about why they love to be a submissive to a Dominant Woman. This description is from tommieboy: “I love the layers upon layers of gift-giving and receiving that can be found in dominance and submission. The submissiveness of a strong man may indeed be something that is highly valued by his Domme, but the ways she shows him this are also gifts that make him (me) want even more strongly to show her how much I will suffer for her. And of course the scene games we play are gifts of spontaneity in where they go, whether it involves suffering or not.”
Are you ready to suffer for Mistress?
What does it mean to you when you read that? Does this inspire your submission? Tell me all about you.
Regarding Sissy Kathy, I would vote run but who am I to say? I can understand how someone would think this is their one chance for something that really matters in their life.
In our one trip around the sun, we’re never going to have all the experiences, meet all the people and do all the living that our minds can envision. Time is relentless. Sometimes we want something so badly, the regret of never having it so overwhelming, we don’t chose wisely.
Probably most true in affairs of the heart.
That it will never come again
Is what makes life so sweet.
I actually think that’s what makes life so bittersweet at times.
Separation of fantasy and reality and finding an acceptable outlet for that fantasy is the key for many.
I mean, is there a bigger poster boy for the benefits of phone sex than Rep. Anthony Weiner? Dude blew up his entire life over a couple of emails and photos. Morality aside, for $2.50 a minute he could have lived out his fantasy all he wanted. Not real life, but I bet it would have been far more creative and satisfying sexually than what he was doing.
He would have also spared his family a great deal of public humiliation.
I agree with you John! Maybe one of the hallmarks of being human is to make really bad choices for really intensely powerful reasons …. and then experience all the *stuff* that comes after the *fall from grace.* I’ve often wondered why someone who is a public figure with lots to lose wouldn’t use the phone sex option. *shakes head* Maybe we ARE here to learn certain lessons and life lessons from adversity sure do create opportunities for ….. ahem…..learning! Actually, your comment is making me think about a post on the topic of regrets…..a regret that you did alongside the regret about something you didn’t do, but wish you did. What do you think about that as a post? Too gloomy?
MsOlivia, the part about losing my hardon from something You wrote does not compute. 🙂
I also have to give kel major kudos since I could not have said that better. I don’t remember now how I voted but I think I was in the maybe category, but that would only have been because I felt the run away fast part to be too strong a sentiment. I agree that with the current situation as is today, there’s no way in hell this sub and this Domme should proceed with such an arrangement. They don’t know each other enough, not nearly enough for that. They are thinking that they can just transition from fantasy to reality with no problems at all and that just ain’t the case.
Now, I am all for fantasy. They let you do things and become things that you would not otherwise be able to do, easily anyway. And not just in the sexual sense either. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it to You or not, but I also do live action role playing where we immerse ourselves in a character for an entire weekend. Even doing that though, we never lose touch with reality, especially when safety is involved. That’s because reality permeates everything and we can easily separate our little fantasy from the real reality. (Yes, I know that last part is redundant.) In addition, back to the sexual fantasies, I have many that are fun to go through my head with or perhaps a partner in role playing but that I would never ever want to actually do in real life. Many of them involve extended bondage or being trapped in a small cage. (Although if a certain Domina in thigh high boots were the trapper…. ;-))
So really this comes back to a lot of what we’ve discussed in previous blogs about how Dommes and subs are real people with real jobs and goals and even in a dedicated 24/7 D/s relationship, those things don’t go away. The uber wealthy Domme with the mansion in the country and staff of naked slaves just doesn’t exist, but the divorced woman down the street with three dogs and two teenage sons does (though I guess that depends where you live :)).
@ magnus ….. you made Me laugh with that comment about the uber wealthy Domme with the mansion in the country and the staff of naked slaves. That reminds Me of a call I did early in My phone sex career. The caller asked Me if I kept My submissives in the basement. What in the world do I say to that? There’s only laughter …. although in a fantasy phone sex call, being kept (caged or trapped) for the pleasure of Mistress is totally HOT! I’m a FAN of kinky sex fantasies that stay in the erotic fantasy arena.
What live action role play do you do? I’ve been to a bunch of civil war reenactments and loved it! Do you do that?
Hmm, not sure my reply made it so I’ll try again.
MsOlivia, I don’t do reenactments. Live Action Role Playing is different from that. Reenactors, well, reenact. They show battles and scenes as how it was, or as close an approximation as possible. Live Action Role Playing is all fiction/fantasy. There are different genres but we do high fantasy. Think Lord of the Rings on a much smaller budget, or playing Dungeons & Dragons but actually getting dressed in costume and hitting monsters. (We used padded weapons and are very safe.) It’s very much like being in an improv play but there is no audience.
WOW magnus…….that sounds like sooooooooo much FUN! That IS totally like fetish scene play! I’ve had some elaborate scenes on various phone sex roleplay calls and been involved in complex fetish scenes ….. I love those, where they’re a story and a plot line. How scripted are yours? Is it like a concept and then you improv around the concept?
Hi MsOlivia, it’s not scripted at all really. There are rules to the game of course and we play within those rule of course but other than that, everything we do or say is up to us. There are also cast members who play the background characters and they are a bit more scripted. Maybe think of that arrangement like a dinner theater except we do much more than watch a play. So a cast member may come in as a farmer or something and say his fields are being overrun by some monster (simple example) and we all would go to help. So all our choices are our own as we could tell that farmer to go screw (though we would not normally) and how we act is up to us. Does that help?
OMG magnus……..the live action role play you do is EXACTLY like phone sex! ~laughs~ No wonder I’m totally intrigued with your description of the play! I love this! And, thank you for making Me giggle!
Well, I did not start with an erection, so technically… no. :-p
But it is certainly true that many of your blog posts are intellectually stimulating, rather than fantasy engagement, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that in general.
I would say it really boils down to the state of mind of the individual and what drew them to read a Mistress Blog at that time.
I would be dishonest if I said that a healthy dose of reality was never a downer. There is a certain level of escapism in fantasy, and everyone has their own reasons and needs for indulging in escapism. But I have never seen an Experienced Mistress post that I would consider to be bubble-bursting in a bad way.
ahhhh, thank you NB! I don’t want to be bubble-bursting …. unless of course, it’s the ball bursting orgasm! ~laughs~ One phone sex call got so intense he shot his load all over the wall behind his head and had to repaint the room! I will throw in some pure (or impure) erotic blog posts but you do know I lean to the intellectual stimulation. THAT is totally My form of foreplay. The interaction and the intimacy of communication is *the* thing that gets Me hot.
The respective parties haven’t anything in common with the exception of their mutual interest in partaking in something they’ve cum to realize is the antithesis of what society would condone.And while that may be the reason behind either or both parties assuming their respective roles,it’s far from a strong enough reason to go beyond that point,especially going so far as to invite them to cohabitate.That requires a different type of trust altogether
*nods* @ gay porn fluffing cum dumpster — thank you for taking your time to write a comment. Your point about being *outside* so called normal society is well taken. I think there is the sheer joy of finding someone who understands your particular sexual fetish, kinky desires or even *gets* the stuff most people don’t get …. that is a powerful draw. I can’t tell you how many offers of marriage or running off together I’ve had because a caller and I click via phone sex. At that point, I say wait, wait … there’s a difference between fantasy and reality. And any real life relationship requires, as you point out, trust (and more).
An intelligent post from a beautiful woman, nope, didn’t kill my hardon. Would I put in the catagory of stroking material? No probably not, but serious discussions on topics are interesting and keep people (at least me) coming back for more (and coming back for cumming maybe sometime).
So for me, no not a buzzkill at all. Thank you for taking the time to condense what was a lot of thoughts and comments into a concise post.
Yay! Thank you wellspanked. I sure don’t want to be a buzzkill! ~laughs~ I’m sooooooooooooooooooo hardon friendly and I am in full support of cock stroking wank material.
Some of My phone sex calls are erotic conversations like this on the blog and others are raw hot kinky sex. I like the combo on calls.
I love what you said about the serious discussions keep you coming back…..ME TOO !! I started writing blogs like this to keep ME engaged and it turns out that others like it too 🙂
I’m really GLAD you’re part of the community here wellspanked.
It certainly did not kill my hardon! On the contrary, your responsible advice gives me confidence that there are real and responsible ways to have a D/s type relationship, and that feels very exciting indeed.
You are an inspiring example for me.
@ slavemind …… awww, thank you ! I’m going to reply to your other comment in full and wanted to say thank you here as well!
I’ve been pursuing my own path to a real D/s relationship. But I’ve run into a disturbing observation, and I wonder if you might have some thoughts…
I’ve now attended about six BDSM parties in my area. I’ve started to build some very enjoyable friendships, but I’ve also observed a pattern that concerns me. I’ve witnessed many wonderful M/f (male dominant/female submissive) scenes that were sensual, sexy, even romantic. The male dominants didn’t just beat on their female sub, they were also gentle with them, stroked them, stimulated them, whispered in their ear, even kissed them, in addition to the other BDSM activities you might expect. The combination made for some really hot scenes.
But the F/m scenes are often (actually always) very different; more hard core, much less emotional connection, much less sexual, never any kissing, even out-of-scene. Sometimes the scenes are just an impersonal beating, but even when they are more than that, it’s still nothing like the hottest M/f scenes I’ve witnessed.
This concerns me because, in addition to serving a mistress, I want to be deeply, and romantically connected to her, in-scene and out. In fact, without some significant emotional connection I feel no desire to submit to her at all. But when that connection is strong (as with Mistress Violet), WOW, the desire to submit is powerful, and what results are real fireworks!!
I know you and your guy attend play parties. Have you noted a difference in the dynamics of M/f and F/m scenes? Do you and your guy incorporate a lot of sensuality into your play, even at play parties? Maybe the dynamics of real F/m relationships in private are more sensual that what I’ve observed at the BDSM parties I’ve attended. I certainly hope so…
@ slavemind You bring up a FANTASTIC question and it’s one that I’ve noticed subconsciously. It took you asking the question for Me to really *see* it, so THANK YOU for posting the comment and the question.
I think you’re on to something there. The Femdom to submissive male scene play DOES tend to be more hard core, with apparently less emotional or sensual connection. I have noticed that too in BDsm play parties …. BUT, remember what you’re seeing at the play space is negotiated beforehand. Many males like to have the kink compartmentalized. So you might be seeing someone who wants the *vacation* of being the submissive for the duration of the play party and that might include the lack of sensual touch.
One thing to keep in mind when watching others at their kinky, fetish play is that they are doing what works for them and that might be VERY different from what you would want to negotiate. The play space owner *warned* Me before a Dom and his lifestyle slave played…..it WAS extreme and totally HOT! Not sensual or loving at all but it totally worked for them.
Wait, wait…..this is a wonderful blog post and it’s perfect in the theme right now….I’m going to finish My comments on the blog itself. I’ll get it up today or tomorrow at the latest so please do look for it there…..and THANK YOU for being an inspiration! 🙂
Thanks for the well thought out post and EE poll. I agree with you about the need for caution and concern. I believe a D/s relationship only works if the two participants work as “people” first. If it’s going to be 24/7 anywway. I feel we need the anchor of compatiblilty and a real relationship apart from kink. Still, while one must be careful, for those of us not in a D/s relationship, we do need to keep the dream alive!
Thanks again MS Olivia!
Loved your comment Mike! That’s a great line ….. the “anchor of compatibility” is a perfect way to describe it. It’s possible to *connect* just on the kink. I have some long time and regular callers that JUST call for the specific phone sex fantasy roleplay they want that day. We don’t talk much about anything else. I liken that to someone who just does a fetish or kink scene with another at a play party. There is a fun freedom in that and that is not the stuff of a 24/7 relationship. Nothing wrong with it but, like you said, for any real relationship to work the participants must also work as people!