BDSM is captivating (yes, that pun is intended). I am drawn to the paradox of pain as pleasure and submission as freedom. Power exchange is fascinating. There are so many things I can do to control a submissive. It’s important to note that submission and humiliation don’t automatically have to go together, but for certain submissives, this combination is very powerful.
The tools of power exchange games
I am genuinely curious about you. Your erotic fantasies might bring us together initially, but I have long term relationships where we are more than our mutual kinks. Case in point: check out this email from Palmer:
“I have been talking to Olivia for years now. We are friends — we discuss politics, movies, and the ups and downs of life. She is profane, funny, and caring.”
The topics Palmer mentions aren’t related to power exchange or his fetish but I remember everything we talk about. There are no “idle conversations” with me. I use everything to deepen our relationship, and then, when the time is right, I lull you into complacency to set you up. Abruptly switching topics allows me to find out all your naughty little secrets. Palmer knows all about this:
“She knows a secret about me — my fascination with the idea of sucking a trans woman’s cock, but only if Olivia talks me into it.
He’s right — I know ALL his secrets and use every single thing I know. Palmer continues:
“So our conversations proceed along, touching on the weather, or baseball, or pets . . . until Olivia brings up my little problem. I almost don’t want her to, but she always does.”
submission and humiliation
Is submission always humiliating? No but the combo is so much fucking fun! It’s the PB&J of kink—a natural fit! From walking fido to face fucking, from career to cock. I wrap you around my little finger, pull your strings, and make you dance like the horny lil puppet you are. I love this description of how I use my Mistress voice:
“Her tone changes as she raises the issue — slightly lower, and scarily business-like. My mouth goes dry, I feel my heart in my chest, and the bottom drops out of my stomach.She makes me confess. She insists that I say it all out loud: exactly what I want, and what I want her role to be. Then she is all practicality: here’s what I need to do to please her; here are the concrete steps I will take, here are milestones and deliverables. She reassures me that I can do it, that I will do it, and that she will support me all the way.”
Make your Mistress happy and proud
I like planning. Someone told me I would make an excellent project planner. In my pre phone sex life, I was in charge of various projects where I would plan, execute, and review measurable outcomes all with a focus on achieving goals. I bring that skillset into my Femdom life. When I started talking to Palmer about measurable goals, a mix of rewards and punishments and due dates suddenly his fantasy was becoming real. That is powerful! He describes his reactions and feelings:
I fall into a fog of submission and humiliation. I desperately want to make Olivia happy. What gets me most is the REALITY of the plan — the idea that I am really, finally going to do it for her, that it is inevitable, that the fateful moment will finally arrive. . .There is no end to it — until I do the deed — so I hang up in a state of tension and lust. I work on my assignments, send Olivia emails, re-read her blog, listen to her podcast, then I set up another call.I just adore Olivia.
Are you ready to submit?
Have you ever experienced that fog of submission? What happened? Did the scene involve humiliation or a mindfuck? I want to know everything! Leave a comment. Obey.
Oh my my my! I am struggling to not touch myself re-reading this for the fourth time. What a wonderful post and I am so so happy for Palmer!!! What a wonderful and in a way predictable response he has to your voice Mistress Olivia! Oooooooo that change in tone. The REALITY of knowing this IS going to happen to him. What Mistress Olivia wants, Mistress Olivia gets. Palmer is in for a life-changing experience and I both envy him and am so excited for him!!!
Well, this is fascinating …. because YOU SlutPie inspired PALMER!
laughs
And I am so so so excited for him as well.
You, SlutPie, know I am the “Mistress of the workaround” and where there’s a will there’s a way!
Oh my YES! And your “workarounds” are even hotter! At least for me, because it hammers home how in charge you are in addition to how NOT in charge I am. I would have just given up on many things. YOU do not give up. You are always planning and plotting on ways to do something and it leaves no doubt to me that it’s eventually going to happen. It’s not just talk. You WILL make it happen and I have no choice and no control over it. Not that I want any. lol. I mean, after all, that’s the whole point anyway, that YOU are the Mistress, and in control. I am here to please you and obey. Once you get something in your head, it’s over… it’s happening. If that makes sense. OMG I am getting worked up just thinking of that. lol. I’d better stop now. ????
Thank you for your comment and you bring up some great points!
One thing about the “no choice and no control” comment — that’s the fantasy, right? The willing puppet of a Femdom. The REALITY is that power exchange, even total power exchange, is a dance between two people. Each always retains elements of agency. The submissive always has the ultimate level of control in that he/she can simply leave or ghost the Domme. That doesn’t happen often, but it does happen, and it’s a weird, sad feeling.
As you know, I LOVE the planning, plotting, and organizing, and I love the creativity of finding the workaround…..and then seeing the workaround come to pass! That’s the smart part of sexy smart.
What do you think?
Yes I agree with everything you said, Mistress (and not just because you are my Mistress!! lol). Everything about the Domme-sub relationship is a two-way street and requires trust and “buy-in” (for lack of a better term right now) from BOTH sides. Even, and maybe especially, in TPE. I have to trust You that you will not let anything happen to me when I am giving myself totally to you and cannot make rational decisions for myself (slut switch on. lol). And conversely I have to ensure that my desires never place you at risk or in a bad position as a Domme. You also need to trust me to let you know if things aren’t right so that You do not have to deal with guilt or any ramifications of my getting injured or something else bad happening. Communication is key and OPEN communication and not being scared to open up to each other is so so important. I KNOW that I can be frank and upfront with you, and trust you with my most sensitive and intimate, kinky perverse thoughts that nobody else in the universe knows about. You may not agree with them but you never judge and then we talk about it and ultimately come to an agreement together. I love that. There is quite literally nobody else on this earth that I trust as much as I do you, Mistress Olivia.
Then of course the planning and plotting. That can only happen because of what we above. And oh do I LOVE that as well. Your workarounds make things possible that I never thought possible. Really. And how I LOVE Your surprises!!!! ????
This is exactly spot on perfect! Yep, THIS !!!!!
Oh and when you said that I need to know what’s going on with you … whew that is so important. I think I’ve talked about this on our podcast, skim if you’ve already heard this.
I was doing pain play with someone — spanking, caning, paddling — and he didn’t say it was getting to be too much – and I realized he wasn’t really in sub space he was crying from the pain (and not the good kind of crying). OMG I felt HORRIBLE !!!!! I mean I like pain play but not if it’s the bad kind of painful.
Whew, we had a SIT DOWN kind of convo several days later and I said why didn’t you say anything and he said, I wanted to please you. I burst into tears and said, well I don’t feel very pleased so don’t do that again! I STILL cringe about that, just even writing this comment to you!
The fog of submission is absolutely real. I can compare to other activities that can put one “in the zone”. It is a point where the desire to serve, to please, to obey becomes almost a singular focus. Not that you lose the ability to think, but your thinking all leads to the some goal, submission and how to deepen it. Runners high is similar, where the discomfort becomes background noise and the urge to keep pushing forward is almost all that matters. I think gooning is a similar mindset. Pain can be another way, during a corporal punishment session or nipple clamps, once you are past the initial flinches and settle in you can float in sensations.
For submission, I love to sink into the fog. Again, I’m still fully conscicious of what I’m doing, that it is my choice, that it might be uncomfotable, or “not what I want to do”, or embarrassing, but the drive to obey overrides all discomfort and fuels the desire to perform. One method I like is a series of tasks, with specific instructions. Know the list, being able to see the path and learning the specifics as you go, as you are corrected or rewraded, as you achieve.
Bring on the fog
What a great comment wellspanked …. you get an OTK as a reward funishment!
LOL
I wonder if this “losing yourself” happens with anything requires singular focus. For example, when I’m “in the zone” for writing, I’ll realized that I’ve been writing and haven’t moved in what hours and I would swear I’d only been writing for maybe 30 – 45 minutes.
MY thought is that the “thing” has to be challenging … physical challenge like running, hiking, swimming …. mental challenge … I get in the zone with some submissives (in person and on the phone it’s more about the person and our energy than physical proximity). It feels DAMN GOOD!
What do you think about the ‘singular focus’ idea?
I think singular focus can bring on a sense of time dilation. When you “fixate” on one thing, and other stimuli disappear you might feel in the end like a longer amount of time passed than actually did. I don’t think you really feel it in the moment.
There are certain competitions that I do. In them we use the phrase “slow is fast”. Two meanings really, one is when you are doing well and “in the zone” you usually don’t feel it. Then you see your time and think “wow”! The other meaning is, “be slow and deliberate so you don’t make mistakes and get penalized or have to repeat”. But the second meaning isn’t what we’re talking about.
What a great point, wellspanked!
That conscious and deliberate slowing down to “avoid mistakes” actually keeps me out of the flow that you describe. I’m a fan of avoiding mistakes and acknowledge that there is an element of stress in that statement because resisting the negative is always more stressful than going with energy that is positive.
Does that make sense?
Dear Ms Olivia, When I read your orders ‘leave a comment’ and ‘obey’, I obviously had little choice but to write something. After all, mistress is the boss!! I must say that’s a very telling picture with this article. Are you the lady in the picture? She has nice long and well-toned legs, she’s wearing a very sexy and daring mini-skirt or mini-dress, and she looks in complete control of the situation, so it could be you?? Moreover, I was able to enjoy the picture since this lady isn’t showing any part of her underpants!!
Ahhhhhh that perfect little black dress …. and what color underpants do you THINK I’m wearing?
Hmmmmmm?
Thinking, imagining, perhaps even HOPING.
Right?
I wonder if I should punish you for merely THINKING about black underpants!
Well, Ms Olivia, as you know, I often wonder what colour underpants you are wearing, but, of course, I wouldn’t dare ask the question since both Ms Hunter and yourself have so clearly forbidden me to do so!!
What would you do if I said, “OH I’m going commando today” hahahahahahaha
Now, I’m not, but your comment makes me want to say that just to watch your … ahem … head explode!
Well, Ms Olivia, I’m sure you would look very sexy with no knickers on!! Whoops, sorry, i mean ‘underpants’ of course. My apologies for my incorrect use of vocabulary!! And, by the way, when you refer to your own underwear as ‘underpants’, that makes me feel very submissive. It’s a reminder that mistress wears the pants and the underpants i.e. she is the boss and she calls the shots.
Mistress DOES wear the underpants and the PANTS!
LOL
Yes, Ms Olivia, yes, ma’am!
laughs
I read that with an echo …. you saying yessssss Ms Olivia, yesssss Maaaaa’aaaaammmmm as you are thumping down the basement stairs!
Mistress Olivia, I just love your articles and I really do.
Everything you write is so close to me. It’s just the way you write. When I feel that a dominant person values me as a being, I’m just willing to do anything for her (as much as possible). I don’t mind being humiliated, I don’t even mind being ridiculed or however suffer for her because at that moment I see it as an exchange of energy as you aptly describe. It’s a wonderful game where everyone plays their part and they complement each other wonderfully.
Thank you, again your article warmed my heart.
You are just a fantastic being and I just love you for it! I mean ît in a good way
way.
I’m sorry I may not have described it as well as I feel, but I just really like your attitude, opinions and approach.
I wish you only the best! <3
Thank you so much Casandra … you lovely fun frisky person, you!
grins
You said this: ” It’s a wonderful game where everyone plays their part and they complement each other wonderfully.”
And that’s a fantastic way to put this … I know some subs will say, ‘do anything to me Mistress’ but that is NOT everyone doing their part. I was trying to explain this to someone else and I’m going to use your phrasing.
OH and YESSSSSS if your partner doesn’t RESPECT and CARE for you (outside of the play) then don’t ever stay with that partner (no matter how casual) …. BDSM is about respecting each other enough to communicate the most intimate of needs and vulnerabilities.
Does that make sense?
The beautiful and wonderful Ms. Olivia, it makes sense to me. You wrote it so beautifully. You are simply the epitome of beauty, wit and wisdom.
Whoever is allowed to kneel at your feet must be infinitely happy.
Have a wonderful day!
Ahhhh thank you so much sweet Casandra!
xoxo
Good morning Ms Olivia, This is truly a combination that can play off each other. While in subspace almost anything is possible. Mild private humiliation between a sub and his mistress can easily ramp up the excitement of a session. When the trust between them is secure, the secret draws Mistress & Sub closer.
Thank you for your comment sub-D ! You’re right about it being a symbiotic relationship.
Ms Erika and I are both reading Edge Play by Jane Boon. We’re going to interview her on The Weekly Hot Spot podcast. The book is FANTASTIC! Ms Erika finished it and I’m about 1/2 way through.
She brings up the point about trust and letting go and how hot that is … and I’ll also say being a recipient of that trust is hot for ME! If that makes sense.
You are so right trust, it is the glue that binds a sub to their Mistress. I’ve been serving Ms Erika for several years now. She knows me so well, every kink and fantasy. She knows every button to push to make any session memorable. I trust her pretty much unconditionally, this allows me to relax and sink deep into subspace. I am hers to mold & manipulate, there is no clock, no schedule, no todo list. Just her voice existing in my head. The total release of responsibility even for a short time is almost as wonderful as the climax she coaxes from me.
That’s a fantastic point Sub-D and that trust goes both ways … just as you relax into Mistress Erika’s commands and instructions – she also trusts YOU. So, it really goes both ways.
Reading what you said about the “total release of responsibility, even for a short time,” makes me think of meditation. Have you ever done meditation, quieting the mind? If you have, does it feel like that? Of course, your mind isn’t QUIET because it’s filled with the voice of your Mistress, but YOUR chatter that fills up your mind is quiet, and that is always such a relief.
Yes; There is a fog that creeps in to a subs mind as a session progresses. As we obey, falling deeper into obedient submission to a Mistress’ control. I remember the first time a Mistress changed Her tone during a conversation. Transitioning into taking in full control of what was now going to happen. Amazing! The sudden shrinking of myself as the way She began speaking to me left no misunderstanding that the Power exchange was now in full swing. WOW the feeling of my pure submissive place below Her completely over took me. To this day i love the way a Mistress can make me feel when She employs that, matter of fact, i own you right now tone. I believe it is the first level of subspace.
In the very short time of getting to know Ms Olivia. I already agree that She does not forget some kink experience you may have mentioned being curious about. Even in passing.
Be careful what you think You want. I am convinced Ms Olivia will be thinking up ways to make it happen. It may be humiliating.
laughs oh my yes it may be humiliating …. it may be challenging and it will always be interesting! Right?
OH and Ms Erika and I are tossing around an idea for a podcast about using our voices.Not that exactly – probably something about how to create an aural experience using words, tone, timber, pacing, etc. I’ll admit, sometimes it’s unconscious and it just kind of flows, other times it is totally deliberate and similar to performance art.
I’m not sure that would be a whole episode or maybe we’d end up doing it as a section of something else. What do you think?
Yes, I have been in fog for years and didnt realize it. Now being married, im definitely in a fog of submission and humiliation
hahahahahahaha
Well, I know WHY you’re submissive and WHAT is humiliating about your whole situation so yeah …. you do have that FOG going on.
How’re you FEELING?
HUH?
~laughs~
Ms. O, ever since I discovered you and your blogs, it’s been transformative. Just after reading your post, I had to walk down the hallway at work, and realized I needed to rush to my office because my little hard-on started poking out of my pants. I can’t hide it because it points straight out. I agree that it is fascinating how my feelings of owning a small cock and imagining being dominated by all the big cocked men I’ve encountered, the women who have teased or laughed at my cock, or the thought of being dominated by a FemDom who has a larger strap-on than my penis brings me into a whole, puzzling world of erotic feelings I don’t know what to do with. I am heterosexual, and I act as such, but these feelings and the constant reminders I have a such a small penis and seeing the comparisons near daily (gym locker, sauna, you name it) are almost overwhelmingly powerful. Thank you for this post and your encouragement to come to grips with these feelings. And how many times your posts have made me have to rush to my office/and/or deal with unexpected leaking all over my underwear.
Speaking of being dominated by a strapon, have you ever heard of the “ghost cock” … ? … I actually should do a blog post about it because wow, this is a really wicked, fun humiliation scene.
I’m laughing at your tiny dick “poking straight out” whoospie daisy and I’m #SorryNotSorry
Hi Ms. O,
As I continue my journey to accept I have a small penis and there’s nothing I can do about it, I recently started wearing a new pair of shorts when traveling and at the gym. I have never been crotch watched this much, and it actually got on my nerves after I could clearly see one woman on the plane look at me, then my shoulders, then straight to my crotch as I lifted my luggage up to stow it, and she started emailing then cracking up. Events like this are happening more often this summer, especially as I lose weight. What can I possibly do in response?
laughs
Oh yeah women check out men and one of the spots is his crotch … with you it’s obvious that there’s not a lotta real estate down there.
Awwwww, sucks to be you.
tee hee
Tis not a fog almost every woman in a pair of panty hose I notice in public could take me some where and I would let them face sit me or just give me a foot to massage and toe suck. All they gotta do is ask or hint about and I am willing
I think you’re like a lot of people …. women in general don’t know the power of being female.
Now, a FEMDOM knows!
laughs
oh yeah we do!
Yes, it’s difficult to hide as soon as it decides to tent. What is the ghost cock you speak of?
Keep looking at my blog —- OR Ms Erika and I will do an episode on our podcast, The Weekly Hot Spot.
Wow, Ms. Olivia, my mouth went dry with anxious humiliation as I read through this blog post and the comments. Your insights into the fog of submission are not only dead accurate (of course)…they undoubtedly slam-dunked every submissive who read this into a fog of submission.
Now, in fairness to my Headmistress Erika, I was already in a fog of submission after catching up on one of her blog posts in which she called me out. Therefore, I was already in panties when I arrived here. But you and I both know that I would have ended up in panties if I had shown up here as a pretend alpha.
As I read your post, I could hear my Headmistress Erika laughing with you and I could feel the knowing smirk of my ex and one of her close girlfriends. That’s exactly how it feels when you and Headmistress Erika humiliate me. You know exactly what makes me tick. The satisfaction in your voices as you crush my will with a thorough mindfuck is absolutely hypnotizing and with every call I am drawn deeper into my beta therapy like a moth to a flame.
The body language is very obvious to a knowing Woman when the fog of submission takes over a beta. The weakened voice, being lost for words, the nervous smile, the tentative eye contact, the willingness to do things that are silly and trivial yet demeaning.
For example, you say “Move my drink over here.” And you are pointing 1/2″ away from where your drink is on the table yet it requires me to get up from my chair to do it. And your condescending smirk makes it clear that I’m your bitch. Although you don’t say it out loud, you know that I feel like you just announced that I’m a short-dicked little sissy who’s wearing nude seamless pantyhose under my dress slacks. And the look in your eyes says “You’re lucky that I let you wear socks. This time. peeeee-weeeee. Mr. SMALL penis. Stubby. Femcock. Little one.”
Yes, Ms. Olivia, I am most certainly in the fog of submission now.
Thank you for such a wonderful blog post!
P.S. Headmistress Erika and I explored a call where I simply addressed her as Erika. The logic being that it is very humiliating to set a context wherein she’s a strong, superior female and I’m her subordinate. Period. No need for titles…everyone knows that I’m her bitch. There’s no need to pretend…
hahahahahahahaahaha
What a fan-fucking-tastic comment pee wee and honestly I expect the best from you because … well ….you have all that PENT UP sexual energy!
LMAO
kneel down and BE our bitch right now !!!
LOL
Ms Olivia, I’d love to do a role play where I am your taxi driver who drives you to a party. You wear the outfit in the picture above (black mini-skirt or mini-dress) and you decide to sit in the front passenger seat next to me so that you can ‘tease’ me by crossing and uncrossing your legs at various intervals. I enjoy regular glances at your sexy, long, and well-toned legs, but, since I know you are skilled in self-defence and martial arts, I wouldn’t dare to try to touch your legs! I get ‘worked up’ and ‘excited’, but I can’t do anything about it. Absolute torture!
Ohhhhhh this sounds very fun … and right up my alley with the wicked teasing.
And oh yes, you’re right, I DO have those martial arts skills … you’d be in real trouble if you touch without permission!
Yes, Ms Olivia, yes, ma’am! I would be in the embarrassing position of trying desperately to keep my ‘hard-on’ under control, whilst you giggle at the sight of the growing ‘banana’ or ‘cucumber’ inside my knickers. You, of course, just continue to sit there confidently, crossing and uncrossing your legs to increase the pressure. Sooner or later, I will probably be forced to ask your permission to put my hand on your leg as we continue our drive to your destination.
Looks like this will be a very HARD drive for you! laughs and laughs
Dear Ms Olivia, I can’t stand it any longer! May I please put my hand on your leg?? I promise to keep it still.
What?
You hand on my leg?
Mr. Wimpy Wet Knickers …. absolutely fucking NOT.
What will Ms Hunter say that you even ask?
Hmmmmm?
Ms Olivia, I apologise for upsetting you with my misbehaviour! I await any possibel punishment with trepidation!
hahaha
I do enjoy punishing you.
Oh I absolutely do fall into the fog of submission. And our last call 5 looong days ago now I didn’t fall into it, you dragged me into it by the collar and I was smiling just to hear your voice!
I LOVED how aggressively you launched into me! I NEEDED IT, NEEDED YOU!
You humiliated me very deliberately, punishing me for the long drought between calls!
Even though it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t call for a while it is still THE Alpha Females’s prerogative to punish when SHE sees fit!
Goddess Olivia is MY Alpha Female! Goddess Olivia is the COOLEST Alpha Female!
So yes, you are sooo cool you don’t have to be as deliberate in your humilation. You are always aggressive to varying degrees and all of our sessions you are your FemCool self.
You are FemConfident.
You KNOW your FemPower. You know how to use it, know when to use your voice inflection on me to hold me in submission under your heel.
You wield your FemPower not with an iron fist, but with a slippery satiny fist, so I can’t get ahold of anything, so I have no control and spend my time grasping at gaining composure but always failing because you know everything about me, all my dirty, taboo secrets, all my weaknesses and you remind me of them whenever you need to and if, IF, it looks like I may be slipping away you call me out by my name knowing full well I will snap back to attention.
You KNOW what makes me tick and use it against me. TIC~TOC~TIC~TOC. The pendulum never swings in my favor because on the clock you are the big hand, I am the small hand, always slower than you, always behind you trying to keep up. But that chase is futile.
YOU are THE Alpha Female.
I am nothing but a wind-up toy in your hands.
Mmmmmmmm I love that phrase: “I am nothing but a wind-up toy in your hands.”
That’s really the perfect description of your kind of submission to a strong Dominant Alpha woman. Perfect!
Oh my dear Alpha Female Olivia! There is nothing better than being wound up by you then let loose while you talk to me! I love your dominance, I love your FemPower!
I LOVE submitting to strong women so I can be told and taught to submit to ALL women!
I truly feel lucky to have an Alpha Female standing over me, and it’s YOU!
SUBMIT
Submit to strong women, to Dominant women, to ALPHA women.
Show how submissive you are by doing everything we want you to do — that includes gobbling up ALL of your cum!
grins
I just want to be taken and used for panty hose fetish and foot worship. I look at Church women . This one lady attends with out hubby. Wears long sundresses does her nails nice nice feet crosses her legs to my side slit in dress .Recently started wearing slightly black tinted panty hose. She used to sit next to the Church hoe . The hoe goes for all the really old guys without wives gives them 80 + guys huggs me at 70 gets nothing. So one morning I say hello to The woman next to the hoe . Ignore the hoe so this lady starts sitting next to me in church row. Is it a possibility or my fantasies making me think possible?She is Married . Sitting next to me preacher asks about her Hubby ? She says he was in North Carolina she says she had to be home alone during our big storm. I think the preacher knows I can’t resist temptation and I can’t . I am weak I admit it .They have no idea about my secret sissy life crossdresser and nudist life style. Of course I don’t know their secrets either. I have 2 times before brought crazy women to church and sat with them.But most of the time I go alone.
.
Wait.
Why are you calling the church lady who gives hugs at church a hoe?
And, while I’m at it … what’s wrong with sex workers?
I’m a sex worker.
Nothing wrong with sex workers
I am OK with everything. I said she is a hoe because she seams like she wants to spread it around. Which can be a good thing when you are on the receiving end. Everyone enjoys.
Wait, hugging people at church is “spreading it around” — I don’t understand. How is that sexual? People hug at church.
Oh this is a different kind of hug . She is kind of a hottie and only hugs the really old guys that lost their wives. She is fishing the old widower pool. Old married guys with wives get no hugs or single men or women get no hugs.